The Postseason Report
Gentlemen – Another regular season in the books. It was an interesting year with most of the league suffering huge losses early, then crawling back up the charts. The overall winner and playoff teams were about the same as they have been in past years, and for the most part there was very little drama in the final week. Two of the division winners didn’t even need to use their wild card bet. Speaking of wild card bets, most teams who used it in the last four weeks failed to win, sinking comebacks, hopes, and dreams. Here’s a breakdown of each franchise.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the 2010 regular season of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Bayonnaise
Amount: $1,800
Winning %: 0.570
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 7 – Seattle – Won
Comment: The ‘Naise had a solid second half of the season and was just one right pick away from winning the division. He’ll go into the playoffs for the first time after building a strong percentage.
Midseason Grade: B+
Final Grade: A-
Karl Farbman
Amount: $1,900
Winning %: 0.556
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Did Not Use
Comment: Farbman and Bayonnaise went back and forth this season, with Farbman pulling slightly ahead in the final weeks. He didn’t use his wild card bet and will go into the playoffs for the second time in four years, winning in 2008.
Midseason Grade: A-
Final Grade: A-
Kenny Powers
Amount: -$2,200
Winning %: 0.414
Fines: $600
Wild Card: Week 12 – Pittsburgh – Lost
Comment: Powers looked solid in the beginning of the year, but faded as the season wore on. After he lost his wild card bet, there was no coming back. He showed some promise of being dangerous next year.
Midseason Grade: B
Final Grade: C-
Larisa Oleynik
Amount: $1,000
Winning %: 0.594
Fines: $700
Wild Card: Week 3 – Tennessee – Won
Comment: After a tough first half of the year, Larisa is back in the playoffs for the second year, sneaking in as the last wild card team. Week 17 was the cherry on top, winning $500 and surging into the postseason.
Midseason Grade: C
Final Grade: B+
Mr. DeBlasis
Amount: -$100
Winning %: 0.521
Fines: $700
Wild Card: Week 11 – Baltimore – Won
Comment: As Farbman and Bayonnaise battled for the division, DeBlasis tried to make it a three-man fight for as long as he could. After a couple brutal weeks in December, he didn’t bet in Week 16, sinking his season. There’s always next year.
Midseason Grade: B-
Final Grade: C
The Phoenix
Amount: -$3,100
Winning %: 0.353
Fines: $200
Wild Card: Week 13 – Indianapolis – Lost
Comment: “The PHOENIX IS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS!!!! HE IS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS!!!” – Dennis Green
Midseason Grade: C-
Final Grade: D+
The 21th Precinct
Amount: -$1,400
Winning %: 0.433
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Week 17 – Indianapolis – Lost
Comment: The Precinct got behind early and could never gain the momentum to make a late season run. In those weeks in which the entire league suffered, he always seemed to lose $500.
Midseason Grade: D+
Final Grade: C
North Division
Babe
Amount: $1,300
Winning %: 0.529
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Week 11 – Baltimore – Won
Comment: Babe closed strong, winning $500 in the final week and clinching a playoff spot for the second straight year. He had some chances at the division title, but couldn’t hang with the Beard of Zeus.
Midseason Grade: C+
Final Grade: B+
Face
Amount: -$3,300
Winning %: 0.378
Fines: $400
Wild Card: Week 12 – Tennessee – Lost
Comment: Face kept losing…..and losing……and losing. If not for a late season run, he was approaching a few of the single-season records for futility (more on that later). Face disappointed in the second half, and has little momentum going into 2011.
Midseason Grade: D+
Final Grade: F
Kiko Garcia
Amount: $1,900
Winning %: 0.551
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Week 6 – Pittsburgh – Won
Comment: Kiko – what happened? A sub-.500 team at the break, Kiko was as hot as a pistol in the second half, making a run at the division and finishing strong to end the year. The rookie will make it’s playoff debut this weekend.
Midseason Grade: C+
Final Grade: A-
Kimmy Gibbler
Amount: -$1,000
Winning %: 0.447
Fines: $600
Wild Card: Week 5 – Indianapolis – Won
Comment: It was a tough season for Kimmy. A lot of one-win, one-loss weeks prevented her from making up any ground after falling behind early in the season.
Midseason Grade: C-
Final Grade: C
T-Ferg
Amount: $900
Winning %: 0.514
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 16 – Tampa Bay – Won
Comment: What a roller coaster. T-Ferg won $1,000 in Week 16 and was sitting pretty for the playoffs. Then he lost three of his four bets in the final week, and missed the playoffs by a mere $100. Good season – but definitely one of those “what could have been” years.
Midseason Grade: D+
Final Grade: B
The Beard of Zeus
Amount: $2,700
Winning %: 0.633
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Did Not Use
Comment: The Beard couldn’t lose in the second half and took home the overall crown and division title. He didn’t even need to take his wild card bet off the shelf. He’ll make his postseason debut and is the hottest team in the league right now.
Midseason Grade: A-
Final Grade: A
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Amount: -$1,100
Winning %: 0.514
Fines: $1,200
Wild Card: Week 7 – Denver – Lost
Comment: Waldo got over the 0.500 mark by the end of the year, but alas, it wasn’t enough to come back from the huge fines he accumulated over the course of the year.
Midseason Grade: D-
Final Grade: C-
South Division
Art Schlichter
Amount: -$1,600
Winning %: 0.500
Fines: $700
Wild Card: Week 7 – Baltimore – Lost
Comment: Staying consistent with the first half of the year, Art always seemed to lose his bigger bet, inching his way further and further into debt as the season wore one. Yet, there’s something to be said about being right 50% of the time. Better luck in 2011.
Midseason Grade: D+
Final Grade: C+
Blossom Russo
Amount: -$4,900
Winning %: 0.297
Fines: $1,300
Wild Card: Week 4 – Indianapolis – Lost
Comment: Blossom tied the record for lowest total in league history (with the more-handsome and funnier Chris B. Corey), and set the record for lowest winning percentage of all-time. What’s pathetic is that he did have some fine money, but for the most part he bet each week. He won nine games this season. Nine. Pathetic.
Midseason Grade: F
Final Grade: I (incomplete)
Mr. Marbles
Amount: $1,700
Winning %: 0.625
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 17 – NY Giants – Lost
Comment: Marbles was one point from winning his wild card bet and winning the overall title. He enjoyed such a large lead that he clinched the title with a few weeks to go, and will make his second postseason appearance. Only the Beard of Zeus had a higher winning percentage. A solid season.
Midseason Grade: A-
Final Grade: A-
Teddy KGB
Amount: -$500
Winning %: 0.500
Fines: $200
Wild Card: Week 11 – Pittsburgh – Won
Comment: Teddy got a boost from his wild card bet in Week 11, but was sunk with the rest of the league by some brutal weeks later in the year. He still had a shot with a few weeks to go, but couldn’t put together two correct picks.
Midseason Grade: C+
Final Grade: B-
The People’s Champ
Amount: -$2,700
Winning %: 0.453
Fines: $700
Wild Card: Week 17 – NY Giants – Lost
Comment: After being among the league leaders at the midpoint of the season, the Champ couldn’t pick a winner once October came. He lost his wild card, and $1,000 total, in the last week of the season. A fitting end for a year he’ll like to forget.
Midseason Grade: A-
Final Grade: D
Will Cover
Amount: -$200
Winning %: 0.450
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 15 – New England – Lost
Comment: Losing his wild card late in the year ended a promising run for Will. He should be proud of his rookie campaign, but couldn’t hang with the big boys late into December. He’ll use this as a learning experience when prepping for 2011.
Midseason Grade: B+
Final Grade: C+
Yaz
Amount: $200
Winning %: 0.515
Fines: $200
Wild Card: Week 9 – New Orleans – Won
Comment: Yaz never got close enough to scare division champ Mr. Marbles, despite Yaz’s heckling of Marbles throughout the year. His contrarian philosophies failed him late in the year, and he barely got onto the positive side of $0 in the final week of the season.
Midseason Grade: C-
Final Grade: B-
West Division
Boss Hardigan
Amount: $1,100
Winning %: 0.522
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 11 – Baltimore – Won
Comment: A very strong second half has Boss Hardigan into the playoffs for the first time. If he could have had one or two more breaks go his way, he would’ve won the division crown. He’s trending upwards heading into the postseason.
Midseason Grade: C+
Final Grade: B+
Don Mattingly
Amount: -$2,800
Winning %: 0.409
Fines: $1,300
Wild Card: Did Not Use
Comment: Once again, Don Mattingly, your donation to the FMFL is not tax-deductible.
Midseason Grade: D+
Final Grade: F
Gordon Bombay
Amount: -$300
Winning %: 0.438
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 7 – Kansas City – Won
Comment: Bombay struggled in the second half, mainly distracted by the close quarters he kept with division champ Ron Mexico. Usually one of the FMFL’s most consistent franchises, his percentage slipped this season.
Midseason Grade: A-
Final Grade: C
Rick Moranis
Amount: $500
Winning %: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 15 – Philadelphia – Won
Comment: Moranis was the feel-good story of the second half of the season. The traditional doormat of the league made a huge run late in the year, barely missing the playoffs. Who knows which Rick was making the picks in Weeks 1-8.
Midseason Grade: D-
Final Grade: B
Ron Mexico
Amount: $1,300
Winning %: 0.550
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Week 5 – Philadelphia – Won
Comment: Another rookie with a strong showing, Ron took down the division crown by consistently winning the majority of his games each week. Can he keep it going into the postseason?
Midseason Grade: A-
Final Grade: A-
Slovy Maximus
Amount: $0
Winning %: 0.481
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 6 – Pittsburgh – Won
Comment: Slovy was so close, yet so far from getting into the playoffs this year. Collapsing late in the season was his ultimate doom. Perhaps, he’ll save his wild card for later in the year in 2011.
Midseason Grade: B-
Final Grade: C
The Notorious A.B.T.
Amount: $0
Winning %: 0.535
Fines: $200
Wild Card: Week 15 – New England – Lost
Comment: The A.B.T. made a huge run in November and December, then lost his wild card bet and couldn’t recover. Had that bet gone the other way, he’d be dancing in the postseason right now.
Midseason Grade: C-
Final Grade: C
Wild Card Bet Update
The following franchises still have their wild card bet available with one week left:
East
Karl Farbman
The 21th Precinct
North
The Beard of Zeus
South
Mr. Marbles
The People’s Champ
West
Don Mattingly
Wild Card Bet Update
The following franchises still have their wild card bet available with two weeks left:
East
Karl Farbman
The 21th Precinct
North
The Beard of Zeus
T-Ferg
South
Mr. Marbles
The People’s Champ
West
Don Mattingly
Wild Card Bet Update
The following franchises still have their wild card bet available with three weeks left:
East
Karl Farbman
The 21th Precinct
North
The Beard of Zeus
T-Ferg
South
Mr. Marbles
The People’s Champ
Will Cover
West
Don Mattingly
Rick Moranis
The Notorious A.B.T.
Wild Card Bet Update
The following franchises still have their wild card bet available with five weeks left:
East
Karl Farbman
The Phoenix
The 21th Precinct
North
The Beard of Zeus
T-Ferg
South
Mr. Marbles
The People’s Champ
Will Cover
West
Don Mattingly
Rick Moranis
The Notorious A.B.T.
As I See It: Babe
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s guest writer is Babe. He’s got a reaction to last week’s ‘As I See It.’ Babe, take it away….
When the Executive Director asked me to write up this week’s “As I See It” I wondered how I would follow up the history lesson dished out last week. And then it hit me…
Seven days ago 26 of us threw away 10 – 20 minutes of our lives re-hashing a day that will live in Funny Money infamy. Sure, we were all able to witness the birth of the game we all know and love, but we were also treated to some very important lessons in both gambling and life.
Number One – Nothing good can come out of a group of men getting together and giving themselves a nickname – The FUBARS? Really? This was like reading a drunk college girl’s AIM/Facebook profile a la “Love my girlies” or, my personal favorite, “You’re only as strong as the alcohol you drink, the tables you dance on and the friends by your side.”
Other notable “ambiguously” all male groups:
• New Kids on the Block
• Backstreet Boys
• *NSync
• New Edition
• Boyz II Men…OK, this last one is the exception rather than the rule.
Number Two – Quitters never win – We’re led to believe that a heartbreaking gambling loss drove a group of friends to throw in the towel, stop betting real money altogether and start up a relatively risk free, friendly game. However, that’s merely the excuse to mask the series of avoidable betting mistakes that drove these grumpy old men to give up football betting. Which brings me to #3…
Number Three – Gambling mistakes to avoid – What eventually led to all of us blindly placing our faith in our own abilities to play the odds against the weekly lines was a collection basic gambling no-no’s.
• Never bet for or against a team in your team’s division – A group of Browns fans picked the Steelers to win. Bad Karma. Period.
• If the worst gambler you know jumps on the bandwagon, then you must immediately jump off – To paraphrase the Sports Guy, this guy sucks the luck out of any pick he touches.
• Beware the suck bet – Every week there are one or two games where the odds seem unbelievably stacked in one team’s favor with a ridiculously small point spread. In this case a Steelers team stacked with future HOF’ers is favored over a misfit group of Raiders (from LA) on a frozen field in Pittsburgh.
As I see it, we all have a lot to learn from our Funny Money forefathers. For one, get out of the game early enough as to not end up looking like Brett Favre. Just let the kids play. And, finally, the only thing more depressing than losing your money to a bookie is losing it to your idiot friend you know just asked his girlfriend to pick the Lions +4 vs. the Jets.
As I See It: Face and Yaz
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s guest writers are the Face and Yaz. It’s about time for a history lesson. the FMFL didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s about time to hear the story. Boys, take it away….
One Bad Day: Birth of a League
Friday, November 5, 2010, 2:35 EST. Don Mattingly is in his ten-by-twelve cubicle, working on a cash flow statement for his least favorite client. He is out of balance. Pouring over each line item and each Excel formula to see where his error lies, his headache intensifies, as his eyeballs dart back and forth mentally ticking in the numbers. Due first thing Monday, he wants to finish today so he can enjoy the weekend.
In the lower-right-hand corner of his screen, up pops an email alert: it’s the Executive Director with the latest on the Funny Money. Don clicks “save” on his spreadsheet and quickly checks out the email. This week’s lines are up. Here we go again. He spends the next 2 hours and 45 minutes analyzing the spreads, injury reports and six or seven handicapping web sites, playing what-ifs, daydreaming that he hits his wild card to perhaps make it to the Top Ten and get a little ink.
Along the way he wonders who the heck thought up this funny money idea anyways. The E.D. would lead you to believe it was him, but he changes the subject whenever you bring it up. Here goes…
Sunday, January 4, 1976, 12 noon. Fairview Park, Ohio. Seven Cleveland FUBARS were gathered at Hubie’s apartment for the NFL conference championship doubleheader. First game at 1:00 – Oakland vs. Pittsburgh on NBC, followed by Dallas vs. the L. A. Rams at 4:00 on CBS. These were the days the networks didn’t cooperate much; hardly any room between games.
“OK, I just called Pizza Joe…the line on the Pittsburgh game is Pittsburgh minus 6 ½, over-under 42 ½. Who do we like?” asked Abes, the inveterate banker, always wanting to take care of business while there was still time. “Hurry up, I gotta get this in, he gets busy around noon, especially before playoff games.”
Pizza Joe knew the FUBARS well, with Abes more often“dropping off” than “picking up” every Wednesday at Joe’s pizza shop. The 1975 season had been particularly brutal. On one visit Joe smirked that the FUBARS paid his two sons’ first semester tuition at St. Ignatius in Cleveland. Not chump change.
The Steelers, led by later-to-be NFL hall-of-famers Chuck Noll, Terry Bradshaw, Franco Harris, Lynn Swan, Mike Webster, Joe Greene, Jack Ham, Jack Lambert, Mel Blount, and several other All-Pros had just cruised through the regular season at 14-2, and were odds-on favorites to capture their second straight Super Bowl. God damn – eight hall-of-famers on the same squad. The Raiders, guided by their suspicious-looking head coach, John Madden, were the bad boys of the league, quarterbacked by the precise but usually hung-over Kenny “the Snake” Stabler, throwing to Cliff Branch and Dave Casper; with the defense including Ohio State’s Jack Tatum, widely-known as a “headhunter” who two years later would end the career of Darryl Stingley, paralyzing him from the chest down after a vicious hit coming across the middle. The Raiders’ kicker was 48-year old George Blanda, coming off his 26th season of professional football, and quite possibly playing his last game.
The game was to be played in drafty Three Rivers Stadium, on that worn, slippery Astroturf. Cloudy and 20 degrees; relative humidity 62%, wind 19 mph; wind chill minus 2 degrees. Bitterly cold all week, the Pittsburgh grounds crew covered the field with a tarp and pumped hot, moist air underneath, forming a bulbous tent. Unfortunately, the tarp ripped the night before the game, and the field literally became a sheet of ice near the perimeter of the field, and about 10 yards in. A zamboni machine was used to attempt to remove the ice the morning of the game. Madden went nuts, alleging the field was hosed down on purpose. Al Davis complained to Commissioner Pete Rozelle, who was at the game, to no avail.
Ben Dreith was the head referee, who was seemingly, coincidentally, always in the middle of games in which the spread made a difference.
“Pittsburgh will win, but not cover, so let’s take Oakland with the points” said the Tools, short for Mike Toula, the legendary Cleveland gambler known for his football handicapping streaks, mostly losing streaks. “That thief Ben Dreith will make sure of it.” Three days earlier Mike had gone 0-5 on New Year’s Day, losing, in order, the Cotton Bowl, Sugar Bowl, Orange Bowl and Rose Bowl with escalating wagers, the latter a crushing Dick Vermeil-led UCLA upset over Woody Hayes’ No. 1 Ohio State Buckeyes, 23-10. Tools had Ohio State and the over. Lost them both.
“That does it, we’re betting Pittsburgh,” said Hubie. “We’re going to listen to the Tools, who hasn’t won a game all year? This is the same guy who back in November lost a bet on an NBA game when his team scored a basket at the wrong end of the court. Jesus Christ, gimmee a break. Abes, put me down for $100 on Pittsburgh.” The Tools had an effect on the way guys wanted to bet.
“Put me down for $100,” said Larry.
“$100 for me, too,” added the Yaz.
“Aw, what the heck, $150; I’m up from last week’s division games,” said Checks, who picked up his moniker some years earlier, the result of a nasty habit of trying to cash personal checks in the midst of high-stakes poker games.
Abes then chimed in for $50; Face was in for $100. Tools begrudgingly went along for $200.
“Hey, how about a Steelers-Rams parlay?” said Face. “2.4-1 on your money. A mortal lock.” Checks’ eyes twinkled, always interested in a long-shot wager. The proposal went nowhere.
“OK, we’re in,” Abes said, as he hung up the phone. “Pittsburgh minus six-and-a-half, $880 to win $800.”
Would it be the FUBARS’ down payment for another semester of Joe’s sons’ tuition? Nope. No way. Not today. These Steelers were going to roll today.
After attacking a dozen or so all-beef hot dogs topped with Cleveland’s “stadium” mustard, and washed down by the first few of many, many cold beers, all settled in to listen to Curt Gowdy call the game, with Don Meredith and Al DeRogatis doing the color. Jim Simpson was on the sideline. A young, portly, afro-topped Bryant Gumble was to do a halftime report. Couldn’t get any better.
The first half ended 3-0 Pittsburgh, on Roy Gerela’s 36-yard field goal in the second quarter. Gerela during the 1975 season was 17/21 on field goals and 44/46 on extra points.
Halftime – Gowdy and Meredith have a chat with NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle. A good time to check out the latest lines on the Dallas game. “OK, just got off the phone with Joe. The four o’clock game has the Rams minus 3. Over-under at 44. Joe said the line’s moving, ‘cause everyone’s betting the shit out of the Rams. So if we like L. A., better get it in now, “ implored Abes. Getting it in early meant he didn’t have to wrestle with busy signals later. No call waiting in 1976. No internet either.
Nobody listened. We had to wait and see how the Pittsburgh game went in the second half. Smart handicappers wait until the last minute.
The third quarter was scoreless. “I’m telling you guys, we should have bet Oakland; you’ll see,” smirked the Tools.
Pittsburgh struck first in the fourth quarter, with Franco Harris barreling around left end 25 yards for the first TD of the game. Gerela kick.
Pittsburgh 10-0.
Oakland scored next, with Stabler hitting Mike Siani on a 14-yard pass across the middle. Blanda kick. 10-7.
Pittsburgh then countered with John Stallworth’s 20-yard touchdown catch in the corner of the end zone. The hold was botched on the extra point. No good. “That’ll come back to haunt us,” yipped Tools. Pittsburgh up by nine, 16-7.
3:35 EST. The Steelers are covering. Gotta call Pizza Joe by 4 o’clock. Abes is pacing, staying close to the phone.
3:48 EST. 1:52 remaining. The Steelers put the stop on Oakland and now have the ball. Raiders have two time outs. The Steelers will run the clock out on this possession. Piece of cake. Abes is really nervous.
“Let’s roll it all on the Rams; get it in Abes,” cried Yaz. Everyone agreed. “Hurry up and make sure you get it in by the 4:00 o’clock kickoff.” Abes, who was sitting next to the phone much like Michael Corleone the night of Don Vito’s ambush, miraculously got through on the first try.
“It’s in. $880 to win $800, Rams minus 3. Most we can lose today is 80 bucks.”
Pittsburgh’s ball with 1:37 to go, second and two. Yes. Notre Dame’s Terry Hanratty now in for Terry Bradshaw, who was knocked out of the game and in the locker room, handed off to Franco Harris. Fumble.
Oakland’s ball. Time out. Clock stopped at 1:31. Holy dick.
“Gimmee another beer,” said Larry.
Face ripped open a second pack of Winston reds, firing one up in the process.
“Not a problem. We just gotta stop them from scoring a TD; a field goal does them no good,“ rationalized Hubie.
67 seconds later, with 24 seconds left, the Raiders had a first down at the Pittsburgh 24-yard line. Time out. Now no timeouts left for Oakland.
On the next play, Stabler launched a pass intended for Morris Bradshaw who, going for the grab, flattened a ten-year-old kid standing next to end zone. Incomplete.
17 seconds left. Second and ten. Two more shots into the end zone for the Snake. Just knock down two passes and we’re home free.
Tools tried to get one more in: “I’m tellin’ ya….”
He was interrupted by Don Meredith’s southern twang: “Blanda’s coming on to kick a field goal…”
Field goal? Did we hear that right? Dandy Don, tell us you’re joking. Field goal? On second down? With 17 seconds left? No way. Is Madden crazy? They’re down by nine, not one, two or three. They need a touchdown, not a field goal. They’re right there at the 24. Get the touchdown, then recover an onside kick, go 30-some yards in twelve-ish seconds and then kick the field goal. That’s the way to do it.
Even if they try one, how can a 48-year old straight-ahead placekicker make a 41-yard field goal at Three Rivers, on one of the worst fields in the history of the playoffs, into a 20 mile-per-hour wind and the temperature now at 10 degrees? For Christ’s sake, the guy has no ass and his pants are near falling down as he jogs onto the field…
Gowdy made the call: “George Blanda…..Stabler to hold….kicks it…up…and the kick is good with 12 seconds to go! Now that makes it 16-10.” Utter silence.
“Who didn’t know that?” observed the Tools.
“Madden has to have money on this game. I’ll never bet football again in my life.” said Checks.
Oakland would recover the onside kick and the game would end as time ran out with a Kenny Stabler pass to Cliff Branch at the Steelers’ 15. But it didn’t matter.
Final: Pittsburgh 16, Oakland 10. On the pizza shop ledger it was Oakland 16 ½ , Pittsburgh 16.
“I told you guys…you wouldn’t listen,” chortled the Tools. “Let’s hope those Rams cover…”
It was now 4:15 EST. “Quick, turn the channel and check the score of the Rams game,” screamed Larry.
It was 7-0 Dallas, en route to a 37-7 Dallas blowout. The Rams’ only score was in the fourth quarter after Dallas had built up a 34-0 lead. Good night nurse.
Bad day. Man did we get screwed. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. But it didn’t matter; no one was listening. The field didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that the Steelers turned the ball over seven times, with four fumbles and three interceptions. Didn’t matter Lynn Swann got driven head first into the frozen turf, suffering a concussion, having to leave the game; same for Terry Bradshaw. That missed extra point didn’t matter either. That Ben Dreith might have altered the game with questionable calls – pointless. That the very last thing George Blanda did on a professional football field was kick an ultimately meaningless field goal to sink the FUBARS – icing on the cake. It was still a loss. It was in the cards. Worst day in FUBAR history.
“There’s gotta be a better way,” said one of Fubes.
“I dropped a car payment today,” added another.
There was a better way. That summer six of those FUBARS (everybody except the Tools) formed the FUBAR Funny Money Football League, and decided to bet mythical money instead of real money, starting with the 1976 NFL season.
* * * * *
The way we see it, because of that bad day, right now you are sitting at your computer reading this.
It’s why Don Mattingly frittered away the rest of that Friday afternoon, and had to go in over the weekend, hung over, to finish the cash flow statement – only to discover it was a transposition error.
The way we see it, if not for that bad day, the Executive Director can’t gloat that he’s organized this great idea via a web site, and is reloading his online account every Sunday morning, along with the rest of the younger guys in this league. If not for that one, bad day.
Epilogue
Two weeks later, Pittsburgh won their second straight Super Bowl by beating the Dallas Cowboys, 21-17 at the Orange Bowl in Miami. The 4-point victory was not enough to cover the 7-point spread. The FUBARS recovered most of their January 4 losses by betting the Cowboys, with Checks leading the charge.
George Blanda announced his retirement shortly after the Super Bowl. In its meeting in January 1981, the Pro Football Hall of Fame’s Board of Selectors recognized the legendary contributions George had made to the game and rewarded him with a near-unanimous vote for Hall membership in his first year of eligibility. He died in September 2010 at the age of 83.
The FUBAR Funny Money Football League is currently in the midst of its 35th season. Total franchises are at 24, and the league is run by second-generation FUBARS. They do not have a web site. There exists a low-level rumor that merger discussions are underway.
Pizza Joe ended his bookie career in 1979, retiring untouched by the long arm of the law. He died in 2002. There is no plaque at the pizza shop saying the FUBARS paid his kids’ St. Ignatius tuition for the 1975-76 school year.
Mike Toula died in 1997, at age 44, the victim of a heart attack and years of tough gambling losses, including the NFL conference championship doubleheader that was watched at Hubie’s on January 4, 1976. One of the divisions of the FFMFL is named in his memory. Long live the Tools.
* * * * *
Box score
Various TV stills of the game
On the icy field conditions (great)
Highlight reel:
NBC beginning of the game
First quarter action
Second quarter action
Third quarter action
Fourth quarter action
Steeler missed extra point at 6:31
Harris fumble at 1:30; Blanda field goal at 6:00
Franco Harris scores
John Stallworth scores
End of game pass to Cliff Branch
The Midseason Report
Gentlemen – We are at the halfway point. It has been a lackluster season at best. Aside from the last few weeks, most of the league struggled to avoid losses. However, a ton of franchises are within striking distance and 18 guys still have their wild card bets left. No division is a runaway by any means. Nevertheless, no one is getting an “A” on their Midseason Report Card. No one deserves it.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Bayonnaise
Amount: $700
Winning %: 0.525
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 7 – Seattle – Won
Comment: The ‘Naise came on strong the last few weeks, +1,500 in Weeks 7 and 8 to be exact. The most alarming stat of the first half of the season for him is $0 in fines. If Bayonnaise goes an entire season without any fines, it would be on par with Wilt Chamberlain having a year of celibacy.
Grade: B+
Karl Farbman
Amount: $800
Winning %: 0.548
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Much like his career winning percentage dictates, Farbman always seems to hover around the 0.500 mark, never breaking away but never falling behind. Right now he leads the East but by a slim margin. His wild card bet could be the key to his season.
Grade: A-
Kenny Powers
Amount: $300
Winning %: 0.529
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Powers has flexed his muscles here and there in the 2010 campaign. He’s also had some bad weeks of betting. But he’s within a shout of the division lead and in the thick of the playoff hunt. A strong showing thus far.
Grade: B
Larisa Oleynik
Amount: -$600
Winning %: 0.429
Fines: $600
Wild Card: Week 3 – Tennessee – Won
Comment: Larisa disappointed early with a wagering gaffe that cost her a $600 fine. Without that, she’d be rolling. However, she had to pull out the wild card bet early in order to get back into things. She’ll need a solid second half to make a push for the playoffs.
Grade: C
Mr. DeBlasis
Amount: $300
Winning %: 0.593
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Mr. DeBlasis once ate the Bible while waterskiing. I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury. With a high winning percentage (almost 60%), DeBlasis is showing why he was an early season favorite to win it all. It might be a Mexican standoff between DeBlasis and the rest of the East: who will pull out the wild card bet first?
Grade: B-
The Phoenix
Amount: -$1,100
Winning %: 0.375
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: The Phoenix is a perfect example of a franchise that hasn’t done particularly well this year, but still isn’t out of it. If he can put together a couple bets in the second half, is it too much to say that the Phoenix might be in playoff contention?
Grade: C-
The 21th Precinct
Amount: -$1,400
Winning %: 0.326
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Hard times for the Precinct. He has steadily declined the last few weeks and now finds himself last in the division. If there is one franchise that needs (and can) turn it around quickly, it’s the Precinct. Look for his wild card to come out in the next few weeks.
Grade: D+
North Division
Babe
Amount: -$300
Winning %: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Babe has gone right down the center line in the first half of 2010. Two bets each week: eight wins, eight losses. Still shaking off the Week 17 collapse in 2009, Babe hasn’t been able to get any momentum from week-to-week. He’s another franchise whose wild card bet will make or break his playoff fate.
Grade: C+
Face
Amount: -$600
Winning %: 0.413
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Going into the season, there were high hopes for Face. A seasoned veteran, he has slipped up in the last few weeks, but don’t count him out. He’s averaging about three bets per week, but might have to go to a two-team strategy to get back in it.
Grade: D+
Kiko Garcia
Amount: -$100
Winning %: 0.364
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 6 – Pittsburgh – Won
Comment: Kiko’s record is quite deceiving. Only $100 in the negative, he has one of the lowest winning percentages in the league. But, he’s managed his money, won his wild card bet, and remains a playoff contender.
Grade: C+
Kimmy Gibbler
Amount: -$500
Winning %: 0.400
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 5 – Indianapolis – Won
Comment: No matter what Kimmy tries to do, she can’t seem to get over the hump. For ever week where she bets well, the next week she takes a step back. Gibbler has the potential, but has disappointed so far.
Grade: C-
T-Ferg
Amount: $-900
Winning %: 0.412
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: After a strong rookie season, T-Ferg has left a lot to be desired in 2010. He was crippled by a few push games in the first half. If they would’ve gone his way, he’d be right in contention. But if they would’ve gone the other way, he’d be way out of it.
Grade: D+
The Beard of Zeus
Amount: $600
Winning %: 0.595
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: With solid, methodical betting the Beard seems to have risen up this season. He has built one of the highest winning percentages in the league and leads his division at the halfway mark.
Grade: A-
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Amount: -$1,500
Winning %: 0.471
Fines: $600
Wild Card: Week 7 – Denver – Lost
Comment: Waldo’s wild card bet was on Denver. The week they gave up 59 to the Raiders. It’s a microcosm of his season.
Grade: D-
South Division
Art Schlichter
Amount: -$1,300
Winning %: 0.438
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 7 – Baltimore – Lost
Comment: Art is the anti-Kiko Garcia. He has a pretty good winning percentage, but seems to always lose his biggest bets. It will take a big surge to get him back into the running for the playoffs.
Grade: D+
Blossom Russo
Amount: -$2,700
Winning %:
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 4 – Indianapolis – Lost
Comment: Oh Blossom. In my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine.
Grade: F
Mr. Marbles
Amount: $700
Winning %: 0.583
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Marbles is keeping pace in the South and still has his wild card bet. It looks as though the quest for the division title could be a two-horse race. But if Mr. Marbles fades in the next few weeks, the Champ could run away with it.
Grade: A-
Teddy KGB
Amount: -$200
Winning %: 0.528
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Teddy has been up and down and still has a shot at making a postseason run. That’s the good news. The bad news is his pattern of falling off in the second half of the season. We’ve seen this movie before and it doesn’t end well.
Grade: C+
The People’s Champ
Amount: $1,000
Winning %: 0.625
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Strong showing from the Champ, especially over the last four games. He owns the highest winning percentage in the league, has avoided fines, and overcame a slow start. But, he doesn’t have a big cushion in his division or overall. For now, he’s leading the pack.
Grade: A-
Will Cover
Amount: $0
Winning %: 0.429
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: After falling way back in the first few weeks, Will rebounded and now sits at even money going into the second half. He still has his wild card and has been trending towards the top of the standings. Can he keep it going?
Grade: B+
Yaz
Amount: -$1,000
Winning %: 0.406
Fines: $200
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Yaz has been way up (leading the division) and way down (now slipping to the bottom of the division). His legendary run at the end of the 2009 campaign showed that he can come from out of nowhere to win, but he has already dug himself a big hole with only nine weeks left.
Grade: C-
West Division
Boss Hardigan
Amount: -$100
Winning %: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Another franchise that has been slow and steady, the Boss is exactly 0.500 on his bets. He’s got the wild card in his back pocket and will need to play it to rise up in the West. Three of the other teams in the division have already used their big bet, so if he can cash it in, the Boss will be in contention.
Grade: C+
Don Mattingly
Amount: -$1,200
Winning %: 0.368
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: He has done so much better since he started betting the Giants and Chiefs.
Grade: D+
Gordon Bombay
Amount: $700
Winning %: 0.474
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 7 – Kansas City – Won
Comment: Bombay brought the noise in Week 7, winning his wild card and taking over the division. He has a slim lead, but has more experience than the other contenders in the West. If this race goes the distance, he should have the upper hand.
Grade: A-
Rick Moranis
Amount: -$1,400
Winning %: 0.357
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: Hell has not frozen over again. Rick is back to his losing ways, though he did win $500 to close out the first half. It looks like it’s going to be a season-long cellar battle between Rick and lifetime rival Don Mattingly.
Grade: D-
Ron Mexico
Amount: $600
Winning %: 0.556
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Week 5 – Philadelphia – Won
Comment: The strongest rookie to date, Ron won his wild card and briefly had the lead in the West. He followed this with a -$500 week and then a +$500 week. He’s only $100 back, but needs to be a little more consistent if he wants to be in the mix for the division – or even the overall – title.
Grade: A-
Slovy Maximus
Amount: $0
Winning %: 0.481
Fines: $0
Wild Card: Week 6 – Pittsburgh – Won
Comment: Slovy crawled back to even money after winning his wild card in Week 6. He’s built a so-so winning percentage by betting tons of games. He’s had some success, but might need to change his wagering pattern to gain momentum in the second half.
Grade: B-
The Notorious A.B.T.
Amount: -$700
Winning %: 0.435
Fines: $100
Wild Card: Still Available
Comment: The A.B.T. couldn’t seem to get it going in the first half of 2010. He had shades of greatness but would be flattened the next week. His scientific approach to wagering has failed him so far. He might turn into a man of faith in the second half.
Grade: C-
As I See It: Bayonnaise
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s guest writer is Bayonnaise, fresh off a $1,000 week and a wild card win. ‘Naise, take it away….
Seven franchises with positive money totals so far this year. SEVEN. Ok, people. What’s going on here? Most of us have done this before, right? Are our girlfriends/wives/fantasy hockey leagues distracting us from the task at hand? (Did he say fantasy hockey?) In the words of the “best damn programmer Initech’s got!” – Samir Nayanajaad (yep, had to look that one up)…”this is a….a SUCK!”
While I’m speaking for myself here, (I’d still be knee deep in the red were it not for one lucky week) there has to be some rational explanation for why only a quarter of this league is in the money. Let’s examine some possibilities:
The Year of the Underdog
By this point in the season we all know that the underdog has been responsible for wreaking havoc on our money totals. Week in, week out, the underdogs have continued to make noise. For instance, on the heels of Week Five, in which the ‘dogs covered a majority of spreads, Week Six saw three underdogs win outright, and three others cover the spreads. This past week, NINE underdogs covered, with six winning outright. Without really knowing where to point the finger for almost an entire season thus far with a sub-zero money total (other than at myself) I’d select the underdogs as the number one culprit.
The 2009 NFL Season Hangover
Not satisfied with shifting his career focus to making Wrangler jeans commercials, #4 comes back for (cringe) ANOTHER season and isn’t as healthy/well-protected/lucky as he was last year. Without getting into the issue of Favre getting “lucky” off the field (hey-oooooo) it doesn’t appear the Vikings are who they were last year. Despite a poor season thus far, Favre and his team made such noise last year that perhaps franchises could still be betting with 2009 in mind?
One can turn to the defending Superbowl Champs for another example. I know I’ve bet the Saints at least once this year when they’ve failed to cover the spread, thinking they were one of the top teams in the league. Why would I think this? With exception of two weeks ago against the Bucs, they certainly haven’t looked like a team that’s capable of covering any large spreads. I blame 2009.
Home Field Not an Advantage?
I think it’s fair to say that some teams clearly do have a home-field advantage…a few that come to mind are Seattle, Kansas City, Atlanta (this year) and Green Bay in the heart of winter, for example. But in some cases, there are teams good enough to go on the road and take care of business, perhaps nullifying any home-field advantage that may lure us into taking a home.
With wins at Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and Miami, the Steelers come to mind here. While Big Ben’s bunch are likely better overall than all of these teams, they were 5.5 point underdogs in Tennessee, only 3 point favorites in Tampa Bay, (and won by 25 without their starting whore-terback) and would have covered in Miami this past week were it not for Roethlisberger being stripped on the goal line. Perhaps I’m biased because of my recurring nightmare of the Patriots getting spanked by the Dolphins in Miami with those blindingly bright orange jerseys, but as they seem to be a decent team this year, one might tend to think twice about betting against the fish in their own tank, right? They’re 0-3 at home.
Favorite Team Bias
Cowboys fans, if you’ve been betting in line with how the “experts” have predicted your ‘Boys to do this year, then your wallet’s probably not too full right now. Clearly, though, this bias can apply to anyone. Sure, I thought my Patriots would get the job done this past Sunday in San Diego…but I stayed away (so close to betting it). I’ve been screwed by believing in my team a little too much in as many a FMFL season as I can remember…yet once again, earlier this year I fell prey to the temptation. Far be it for me to think a Bill “run up the score” Belichick-coached team could win by more than two touchdowns against one of the two worst teams in the NFL. Really? Not even against the team that people were arguing might actually lose to a UFL team? It’s okay…I’m not bitter.
This brings me to another issue; a momentary departure from my attempts to explain our collective Funny Money Football betting ineptitude this year. When there are conflicting interests involving your favorite team and a team you have FMFL $$ on…what do you do?
As any franchise owner in this league can attest to, including FMFL rookies, betting in this league and subsequently watching a game on which he bet can make a man lose his mind.
As I slowly molded into my seat at a Hooters in Chicago a couple weeks ago, proudly donning my Patriots jersey after a big win over the Ravens, it dawned on me that my reactions after the Pats game ended were probably quite perplexing to the patrons of this fine establishment with delicious wings.
The average Urlacher jersey-clad Joe sitting a few tables away from me was in all likelihood thoroughly confused when I fist-pumped for the questionable pass interference call at the end of the Broncos/Jets game. In fact, he probably thought I knew nothing about football (who wears a Ben Coates jersey, anyway?)
I was torn throughout the course of this game on how to react. After all, rooting for the Jets is akin to a sin in New England. But……my bets!! San Diego had already laid their egg in St. Louis, so I was already in the red for the week, and was at the time wondering why I had bet on a team led by Donovan McNabb over a team led by Peyton Manning later that evening (home field bias?) So if I had any hopes of staving off another $500 loss, it rested on the shoulders of my least favorite team in the NFL. Even given the tight race in the AFC East, I couldn’t help but be somewhat pleased when LT ran in that final TD to put the Jets over the Broncos. Money, however so loosely connected to one win in Week Six of a Funny Money Football Season, had me reacting completely irrationally from the standpoint of a normal Pats fan. Again, this league can make a man go crazy!
One more attempt to explain this year….
The Apocalypse?!
The Bucs and Rams just played a somewhat meaningful game almost halfway through the season. What was considered the worst team in the league (sorry again, Bills fans) almost beat a team considered one of the best in their own house. It has rained five times within the last week and a half here in San Diego. It doesn’t rain in San Diego. I couldn’t even tell you the last time it rained before last weekend. J-Wowww may have “lost” in a fight. Don Mattingly is poised to bet the Chiefs again for the rest of the year and rise from the cellar to become a contender in the West. Who really knows WHAT is going on?
As I See It: Mr. DeBlasis
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week, some have called our guest writer “The Most Intriguing Man in Funny Money.” That’s right, it’s Mr. DeBlasis. MD, take it away….
“Oh, but I see. Now it’s clear” – Alan Watts, philosopher
With six weeks in the books, the once young NFL season is starting to take shape. Teams are growing out of their preconceived expectations into their true identity. Certainly some are developing faster than others. However I think it’s easy to identify where all teams are in the NFL lifecycle. Here’s how I see it:
The “Hit-their-growth-spurt-early” Division
We all know the type. All the other kids are hanging around that 4ft-range. That is, everyone except that one freaky 7yr old who stands at a lanky 5’6″. You know, the one who can’t read but could dunk on an 9ft hoop. These teams came out the gate fast and you thought, “Wow, this team could win some games this year!” in the same way a proud father thinks his 7yr is a surefire No 1 NBA draft prospect. Unfortunately the answer is “No, they won’t”. Everyone will catch-up to them both in height and ability. Do not be fooled by these teams. Division Winner: Chicago Bears. Rest of Division: Kansas City Chiefs, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans
The “Bearded 7yr old” Division
These are the teams wise beyond their years and know how to take care of their business. They may be a bit hardheaded, classic been-around-the-block type. As easily the most mature of the group, the understand the process because they invented the process. No one is or should ever be surprised to see them atop the heap. They walk up to school both ways, would prefer to play without helmets and survive on a strictly meat diet – human meat. Ok, they aren’t Chuck Norris, but they will still kick your ass. Division Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers. Rest of Division: Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, New England Patriots, Miami Dolphins, NY Jets
The “Benjamin Button Disease” Division
Ahh, we all remember the Benjamin Button’s of our youth. Even as young children, they already seemed so accomplished, so seasoned and wise. You thought they’d seen it all and could conquer any challenge. Problem is that you are putting confidence in a person who is literally becoming less and less capable by the day. The teams in this division may once have resembled Brad Pitt. However, by the end of the season, they will literally be a screaming baby with no where to look but up to the teams that have passed them by. Division Winner: Dallas Cowboys. Rest of Division: New Orleans Saints, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings
The “7yr old in Diapers” Division
Growing up, there was always the one 3rd grader whose pants were just a little too bunchy. Always smelled a little suspect and made those awkward faces as he squatted in the corner of the art room. Newsflash, he was dropping the Cosby kids in a hammock. This just proves that because you look fully developed, you will never be as good as everyone else unless you lose the Huggies. You’re not fooling anyone. Division Winner (tie): San Francisco 49ers & San Diego Chargers
The “Hermaphrodite” or “It’s PAT” Division
We have all been there, quietly whispering to a friend, “Is that a man or a woman? I mean from this angle it looks like a man. But whoa, from this angle I swear it’s a chick!” The truth is with some people, you really don’t know unless you get under the hood. And I personally would not volunteer for that task. The confusion is further compounded when they have names like Sam or Jamie or, well, Pat. This division is made up of teams that leave you scratching your heads each week with a “Well wait, last week they were a total Nancy but now…” We may never know, nor do we want to. Division Winner: NY Giants Rest of Division: Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons, Tennessee Titans, Washington Redskins
The “Still Nursing” Division
With these kids, you literally have to pry the tit out of their mouth. Crippled by fear of growing-up and actually act their age, these children become the doormat of their age bracket. “No, you cannot bring your blankie to the 3rd grade.” Sucking thumbs and hugging their mother’s leg, these kids will be bullied and picked on by everyone until they get their act together. Chronic bedwetting and bad dreams are also characteristic of these perpetual losers. Division Winner: Buffalo Bills Rest of Division: Cleveland Browns, Carolina Panthers, Arizona Cardinals
The “Little-Big-Man Complex” Division
Well what do we have here. A bunch of little piss-ants that just won’t go away. They are small, undersized for their age but man are they feisty. No one expects the 4ft kid to bully the bigger, faster kids. However, they always manage to sneak up on one or two. Watch out for these kids to be giving more promising kids swirlies and titty twisters before all is said and done. And forget about being able to do anything about it. They have to compensate for their height somehow. It just so happens it will be at your expense. Division Winner: Seattle Seahawks Rest of Division: St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders
The “Participation Trophy” Division
“You did well kid, not good enough, but I mean you showed up every week. Except for a few weeks when you didn’t show up, but I mean, your parents did pay that sign-up fee. I guess we owe you something. Here is a trophy that says you were a member of the team. But unless you want to be bullied by other actual competitors, I would highly recommend not displaying this anywhere. Oh, and by the way, the fact that your jersey looks as crisp and new as the day you got it should not be worn as a badge of honor. Save yourself some embarrassment later and go play around in the mud or roll down a grassy hill.” ‘Nuff said. Division Winner: Jacksonville Jaguars Rest of Division: Denver Broncos, Cincinnati Bengals
