As I See It: Karl Farbman
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s we are hearing from an old favorite: Karl Farbman. Karl take it away….
Last week, Don Mattingly’s story about the Chiefs reminded me of something. It’s the story of the greatest gambling moment I have ever been a part of.
In the fall of 2004, I was studying in London for the semester. Even though there was a big time difference, my roommates and I would stay up to watch Sunday and Monday Night Football each week (which started around 1:30am GMT). During the 2004 season, my online gambling account was dormant. I told myself at the beginning of the year that it would be too hard to follow the injuries and the ebb and flow of the season to bet the games week in and week out.
In late October, I got an email from the online site that said something like, “Where have you been? We’ve missed your business. We’d like you to come back, so here is a free $200 in your account.”
Now, it just seemed like a no-brainer to bet games. If I lost the money, no big deal. If I won, I vowed to withdraw it from the account once I returned to the States.
Those next six weeks or so, I was up and down with wins and losses. I was relying on a lot of online research during the week to make my picks, which was still no where near how comprehensive it is today. I spent a couple hours every Thursday in the university computer lab trying to read as much as possible. While I was doing this, my fellow students in the lab were raving about some new internet site called, “Facebook.”
With one week to go in the semester, there was a meaningless December Monday night game on the docket. It was the Chiefs playing against the Titans in Tennessee. Both teams had no chance of making the playoffs, so pride was really all that was on the line. The Chiefs were 1.5 point underdogs. I had a feeling they were going to win big, riding the golden arm of Trent Green. I decided to bet the adjusted line, which made the Chiefs a big favorite, but paid off at 3 to 1. So I put a considerable chunk of my account on Kansas City favored by 7.5.
The game was a shootout with a lot of twists and turns. First the Titans went up by 14 (putting me down by 21.5 early), but the Chiefs came roaring back. In a see-saw battle, the Titans kicked a field goal with 2:26 to go to take a 38-35 lead.
I was sunk. No way I could cover the 7.5 spread. Two minutes to go and I would need two touchdowns to do it.
The Chiefs got the ball back, and Green engineered a magnificent drive down the field, finding Eddie Kennison in the end zone to take a 42-38 lead with 32 seconds to play.
It was an entertaining game, but I was pissed. The Chiefs had played good enough to win, but not to cover the adjusted spread.
The Titans got the ball back and threw a couple of incomplete passes. With about 20 seconds left and some 70 yards to make up, they needed a big play. Billy Volek dropped back to pass and threw a short slant route. The Titans tight end attempted to lateral the ball to a streaking receiver, but the timing was off. The ball was fumbled.
Chiefs defender Kawika Mitchell picked up the ball and ran untouched into the end zone, scoring with 8 seconds left. Chiefs win 49-38.
I was going insane at 4:30 in the morning across the pond. The play happened so quickly that I thought I was delirious and making things up. But then I watched the replay over and over. The impossible had happened. The announcers saw it as a meaningless final score, but to me it was a miraculous finish.
I recently unearthed a video of this game (pay attention to the last 45 seconds or so): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7cb8-BkQBk
Also, the box score of the game in question can be found here: http://espn.go.com/nfl/boxscore?gameId=241213010
It’s the type of story I’ll tell my grandkids.
As I See It: Don Mattingly
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s we are scraping the bottom of the barrel – Don Mattingly. Don, take it away….
It was merely three years ago, yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It was October 2007, an unseasonably mild month, in which the Legend of the Chiefs began.
Fall 2007 was an interesting time for me. I entered the autumnal season after a bizarre August and September that left me not much different than Bill Murray at the beginning of Stripes. I spent my days constantly wearing a bandana as a headband, surfing Career Builder, and listening to hour-long Phish songs. When I wasn’t serving Half and Half’s to Gary Thorne at the James Joyce, my nights were spent carousing around town, pathetically spending my last pennies on the trivia machine at Rafters.
Unlike any other time in my life, I had neither the time nor motivation to sit in front of my computer for hours on end researching box scores and fantasy stats (Ironically enough, I DID have time to play about 20 seasons of Baseball Mogul in which Jim Thome won 15 MVP awards including one well talked about season in which he blasted 80 homers and drove in 200 runs!). I couldn’t even tell you a single player from my pathetic 2007 fantasy football team. Needless to say, I definitely didn’t have the interest to try and sort through weekly NFL lines and pick teams for this so-called up and coming Funny Money league which I had just joined a month before (I confess. I had Antonio Gates). Then, one night, it all changed…
As legend has it, I had bet late for about three consecutive weeks, but one Saturday night at approximately 11:56 PM, I remembered I had to place my bets, so I blindly texted the Executive Director (at this time, we could still use this archaic method) my two favorite teams… $300 Giants/$200 Chiefs. The pick was in. I had no idea who they were playing, what the spread was, or if they were even playing at all that week, but the deed was done. The Giants, at the time, were middling in mediocrity, Coughlin’s job on the line, while the Chiefs were off to a surprisingly good start. What was I thinking with these picks? I was already in dead last. Could it get any worse? What happened next was a mythical rollercoaster ride the likes that had not been seen since the great Johnny Appleseed.
As was customary of this period, we all met at Don’t Know the next day. Wouldn’t you know…the Giants registered double digit sacks on Sunday Night Football, while the Chiefs smashed the Chargers. The following week came around, and I rolled the dice again… $300 Giants/$200 Chiefs. Covers again! Was I on to something here? Little did we know at the time that this was going to be the Giants’ Super Bowl season and they were sneakily good at covering, while it only took some garbage time screen from Trent Green to Larry Johnson when the opposition was playing Kutler’s prevent D for them to cover their enormously large spreads. The ride continued throughout October…$300 Giants/$200 Chiefs…spawning a new handshake, Don’t Know Rumplemintz sales through the roof, and even, at its apex, me being thrown into the side of a Mercedes on Light Street.
But alas, as quickly as the meteoric rise of $300 Giants/$200 Chiefs had taken place, the fall was just as abrupt. By the end of October, gone was the time fighting corporate. I was back in the cubicle, back in the khakis, back to pretending to work on some random spreadsheet, back to 15 minute Dead jams, and back to tirelessly obsessing over fantasy sports. Gone was the freewheeling $300 Giants/$200 Chiefs; in was the conservative $200 Indy/$200 Pats/$100 Titans picks, and gone were any hopes I had at trying to be good at Funny Money.
So, here we are – 3 years later. The Giants are middling in mediocrity; Tom Coughlin’s job is on the line, but they did just have a double digit sack game on Sunday Night Football. The Chiefs are off to a surprisingly good start. I am dead last in Funny Money. I’m putting the league on notice. This Sunday, I’ll be the guy enjoying chicken salad, on rye, untoasted …with a cup of tea!
As I See It: Art Schlichter
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s columnist is the gambling aficionado Art Schlichter. Art, take it away….
As an avid watcher of many games of NFL football each week, I am in a perpetual state of shock at the game management tactics and strategies employed by head coaches. It’s almost as if coaches have no idea of the score at any point in the game.
The very first game of the season provides a great example. Trailing 14.5-14 at home to Minnesota, New Orleans took possession and began to march down the field for the winning field goal. With first-and-10 at the Minnesota 46 and 1:49 remaining, coach Sean Payton ordered Drew Brees to take a knee and kill the clock, dooming the Saints to defeat when they needed only a few more yards to attempt the winning kick. You have to wonder what Payton was doing in that situation.
The following week, Payton was again the goat as he kicked a field goal with 2 seconds left while trailing 26.5-22 in San Francisco. Any kid who plays Madden will tell you that’s the dumbest possible coaching move! The Saints lost 26.5-25 to drop to 0-2. To close observers of the NFL, this is no surprise after New Orleans’s disappointing 8-8 finish last season; Sean Payton needs to win some games if he expects to keep his job.
In Buffalo in Week 1, first-year Bills coach Chan Gailey showed the hometown fans that he is completely clueless by ordering the team to take a safety while leading by a mere half-point in the fourth quarter; the deuce handed Miami a 15-13.5 victory.
This year, I have noticed that even the officials seem to have no concept of the score. In week 1 in Pittsburgh, the officials ordered overtime to be played despite Pittsburgh holding an 11-9 lead over Atlanta! The hometown fans went insane, and I don’t blame them! Fortunately, the Steelers scored a touchdown to win 17-9.
In another controversial Saints game, the Falcons led New Orleans 28-24 at the end of regulation. Nevertheless, the officials ordered the teams to play overtime! Sean Payton confirmed his ineptitude as he launched a field goal that would have cut it to 28-27, Atlanta. Luckily for him, the kick was no good, as the Saints’ only chance to win was by scoring a touchdown since the officials were going to end the game after one more score. It didn’t matter, as Atlanta marched down the field and kicked a field goal to win 31-24.
At this point, I am so confused by the calls of the league’s coaches and the bizarre insistence on overtime by the officials that I am beginning the think the score is not displayed in NFL stadiums. Commissioner Roger Goodell needs to rectify this problem immediately, as it is inexcusable that a multi-billion dollar industry can’t even afford a scoreboard.
Hopefully we won’t see any more of these bizarre situations this weekend. Enjoy the games.
As I See It: Boss Hardigan
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s columnist is the long suffering Boss Hardigan. Big Boss, take it away….
Maybe after two weeks I don’t quite see it, or get it. You know what I’m talking about right? Well, if you are one of those two profitable teams in the top 93rd percentile of franchises in FMFL after two weeks I assume they see “it” or get “it.” The other 25 franchises are left scraping up loose change and borrowing out of debt to make this week’s bets. Those teams need to re-focus and perhaps revise their strategies before digging themselves too deep of a hole they cannot climb out of.
I am more or less, referring to those Vegas lines, odds, or spreads. How do they seem to get to a majority of gamblers/suckers every week? Who makes the spreads? More importantly, how are they almost always spot on? Almost every franchise fell victim to a Vegas trap game last week.
Those games included underdogs such as Detroit, Chicago, St. Louis, SF, and KC all covering in Week 2. Many choosing the favorite thinking for example, “No way Detroit even comes close to covering against Philly.” Those silly covers, as I call them, can put the blame on other factors such as broken or demolished furniture, accelerated hair loss, and alcoholism.
As I see it, the human thought process tends to lean towards picking favorites, giving them the benefit of the doubt assuming they are the better team and can more easily cover than the underdog getting points. Take a look at last week’s outcomes as the underdogs won eight games against the spread and favorites won seven, with one push.
My theories are pretty much ass-backwards to start this season, as I used to think that it is best to take advantage of Vegas early on in the season. Thinking that they are working with the same information we are. The odds early on this season haven’t been large, yet some dogs that most of us are picking to lose are deciding that they want to win against the spread. Vegas is clearly on the ball to start the 2010 NFL season. How it goes from here is anyone’s guess.
One must think, though, do the early signs point to dogs continuing to cover at a high rate for the rest of the year? Who knows? But as I see it, that’s why Vegas stays in business and we keep coming back for more.
As I See It: Waldo Geraldo Faldo
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s columnist is Eddie Winslow’s right hand man – Waldo Geraldo Faldo. Waldo, take it away….
As I see it there are few certainties in the world of football, gambling, and Funny Money as can be noted by:
1.) San Francisco’s crushing defeat to the Seahawks. This game particularly had its way with me since I lost $200 in FM (I am not the only one who had the wool pulled over their eyes on this one).
2.) In the world of fantasy football nobody could have seen the huge issues that occurred during Week 1. Ryan Grant out for the season. Frank Gore getting only seven carries (once again, San Fran thank you for your help in my leagues). Arian Foster playing out of his mind.
3.) One certainty that was kept alive however was the fact that the Lions still can not win on the road. This might have been the most soul crushing thing I have witnessed, since watching a NBA player crush the souls of all of his witnesses. I am not here to rant about whether or not the call or rule was correct. I leave all rants about football moves that occur on the football field in the National Football League to Rick Moranis. I simply feel bad for the Lions and the Lions faithful.
4.) Speaking of Rick Moranis, I did however find one certainty it the world. Rick Moranis has come back to his original form and is now back in the dungeons of FM. There is no other place that Rick Moranis would rather be (Except maybe French Lick, Indiana).
5.) One other certainty that I know of but have yet to prove is that YAZ will not repeat his pedantic performance of this week. YAZ has let down both the baseball player and birth control system from which the name was derived.
As I See It: Rick Moranis
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s columnist is none other than last year’s regular season champion – Rick Moranis. Rick, take it away….
“Do you believe in miracles?”
Ever since Al Michaels rhetorically asked the nation the above question in the winter of 1980, sports commentators everywhere have endeavored to apply the miraculous tag to any upset. It must have been something extraordinary and supernatural that spurred little David on to victory over mighty Goliath, right? Hard work and intuition, yeah those are nice, but David can thank Lady Luck and the heavens for his moment of success. They like to say, “Well, that was a swell story.” File it under “miracles” and call up David every five years for a milestone puff piece. It’s time to find another miracle somewhere else.
But David had no intention of going away, didn’t he? In a league full of gentlemen (even those who on the weekends pretend to be women – Larisa) where the majority had to sit through years of parochial school Old Testament classes, we should all remember that the diminutive Israelite became a great king after slaying the giant Philistine. He took down the beast, but then ruled over all, proving that this was his destiny all along. David would have had no use for Al Michaels.
Enter me, Rick Moranis. For two years I wallowed in the shadows of Funny Money “Goliaths,” betting poorly, forgetting to bet, hemorrhaging money and finally throwing darts at a wall in hopes of choosing a winner. Those two years, gentlemen, were merely practice for what ultimately manifested last year. Just as David had trained to master slinging his stone, I was throwing darts to finally master how to always bet against The Chiefs. That practice paid off and last year, in Year Three, I was rightfully crowned Regular Season King.
I see that Rick Moranis has been curiously left out of the preseason Top Ten. Very well, but allow me to conclude with one last history lesson. Once David became king he ruled for forty years. I think you’re all going to need a miracle this year.
Cheers,
King Richard Moranis I
2010 Prize Pool
Total Pot:
24 returning franchises @ $100 per franchise $2,400
4 expansion franchises @ $125 per franchise $500
Total: $2,900
Internet Fees: $100
Adjusted Pot: $2,800
Regular Season Pot: $1,400
Playoff Pot: $1,400
Regular Season Payouts
Overall Champion: $560
Division Winner: $280
Division Winner: $280
Division Winner: $280
Playoff Prizes
First Place: $980
Second Place: $280
Third Place: $140
2010 Vegas Odds
The following are the official 2010 Vegas Odds for the Funny Money Football Championship, as posted by the Tangiers Casino in Las Vegas. The odds are based on past performance, gambling history, and general hygiene.
Odds to Win: Funny Money Football Championship
| Art Schlichter | 15 to 1 |
| Babe | 22 to 1 |
| Bayonnaise | 150 to 1 |
| Blossom Russo | 13 to 1 |
| Boss Hardigan | 33 to 1 |
| Don Mattingly | 100 to 1 |
| Face | 16 to 1 |
| Gordon Bombay | 13 to 1 |
| Karl Farbman | 19 to 1 |
| Kenny Powers | 24 to 1 |
| Kiko Garcia | 20 to 1 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | 33 to 1 |
| Larisa Oleynik | 10 to 1 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | 11 to 2 |
| Mr. Marbles | 19 to 1 |
| Rick Moranis | 10,000 to 1 |
| Ron Mexico | 100 to 1 |
| Slovy Maximus | 22 to 1 |
| Teddy KGB | 50 to 1 |
| T-Ferg | 19 to 2 |
| The 21th Precinct | 20 to 1 |
| The Beard of Zeus | 40 to 1 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | 400 to 1 |
| The People’s Champ | 12 to 1 |
| The Phoenix | 200 to 1 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | 18 to 1 |
| Will Cover | 36 to 1 |
| Yaz | 9 to 1 |
Divisional Draft Chat Wrap
On September 1, the draft took place. The results have already been posted. But here’s how it went down:
The Executive Director: alright here we go
Rick Moranis: Ready dodes
The Executive Director: the order is as follows
The Executive Director: 1. Rick Moranis 2. Babe 3. Yaz 4. Larisa Oleynik
The Executive Director: Rick is on the clock……
Rick Moranis: With the first pick in the 2010 Funny Money Divisional Draft, Rick “Honey I Shrunk My Debt” Moranis picks…The Notorious A.B.T.
Yaz: you know you have a bad nickname if you have to explain it
Rick Moranis: I’ve been retired since about 1991, so I’m not exactly relevant at the moment
The Executive Director: Babe you’re up
Babe: Pick #2 is Waldo Geraldo Faldo
The Executive Director: alright yaz is up
Yaz: Waldo – he’s good competition
Babe: He’s also a head case
Babe: and tells terrible jokes
The Executive Director: yaz your pick?
Yaz: sorry – Teddy KGB
The Executive Director: alright – Larisa is up
Larisa Oleynik: The Phoenix, and I must say this is the single easiest decision of my life.
The Executive Director: Rick you are up again
Rick Moranis: Slovy Maximus
Rick Moranis: or should I say Minimus?
Larisa Oleynik: oo nice
The Executive Director: Babe is up – still all four expansion teams on the board
Babe: Beard of Zeus
The Executive Director: babe keeps his friends close and his enemies closer
The Executive Director: yaz is up
Yaz: Mr. Marbles – wedding plans will mess up his mind
The Executive Director: Larisa?
Larisa Oleynik: Chris B Corey
Larisa Oleynik: jk
Larisa Oleynik: Kenny Powers
The Executive Director: Rick back to you
Rick Moranis: I choose Boss Hardigan
The Executive Director: wow the brothers
The Executive Director: nice picks with those last two
The Executive Director: Babe back to you
Babe: T-Ferg
The Executive Director: word – Yaz your pick
Yaz: Art Schlichter
Yaz: anybody who picks Art as his name has to be a loser – the guy went to jail
The Executive Director: Larisa you’re up
Larisa Oleynik: Rick Moranis, statistically last year was a fluke for this one.
The Executive Director: Larisa your pick?
Larisa Oleynik: Karl Farbman
The Executive Director: wow bold move
The Executive Director: he’s a good gambler
The Executive Director: and quite handsome
Yaz: he couldn’t pick his nose last year
The Executive Director: Rick you’re up
Larisa Oleynik: Where is the autodraft button?
Rick Moranis: Lakers / Celtics, Ohio St. / Michigan and Rick Moranis vs DON MATTINGLY
The Executive Director: wow knew it was coming
The Executive Director: Babe you’re up
Babe: Kimmy Gibbler
The Executive Director: Yaz?
Yaz: Blossom
The Executive Director: ooh wow
The Executive Director: Larisa
Larisa Oleynik: Bayonnaise, sounds gross.
Rick Moranis: nice
The Executive Director: nice
The Executive Director: two rounds to go
The Executive Director: still all the expansion teams up
Rick Moranis: he’s gonna make at least four late bets due to the time difference
The Executive Director: Rick – your pick
Rick Moranis: Ron Mexico
Rick Moranis: welcome back from jail
The Executive Director: nice – Babe?
Babe: Is Kenny Powers still on the board?
The Executive Director: nope
Larisa Oleynik: no
The Executive Director: Face, Gordon Bombay, Kiko Garcia, Mr. DeBlasis, the 21th Precinct, The People’s Champ and Will Cover
The Executive Director: need your pick Babe
Larisa Oleynik: Babe, what a pig that was
Rick Moranis: guy, make it quick. you’ve gotta go walk your dog
Babe: Kiko Garcia
The Executive Director: excellent – yaz?
Yaz: Will Cover won’t cover
The Executive Director: nice – Larisa?
Larisa Oleynik: the 21st precinct
The Executive Director: sounds good
The Executive Director: one round to go
The Executive Director: Rick?
Rick Moranis: Wear thick socks, Gordon
Rick Moranis: Gor-dan Bombay
The Executive Director: three teams left
The Executive Director: Babe?
Babe: Face
Yaz: watch out for da face
The Executive Director: he could be dangerous, but he is an old man
The Executive Director: yaz your pick?
Yaz: The People’s Champ
The Executive Director: nice – and finally Larisa?
Larisa Oleynik: DeBlasis
The Executive Director: great – thank you all
Yaz: good luck, boys
Larisa Oleynik: like some sort of HOT TUB TIME MACHINE
Rick Moranis: No man who loves wasps can be any good at this
Divisional Draft Results
Gentlemen –
On September 1, 2010 the Funny Money Football League divisional draft took place with 2009 division champions Larisa Oleynik, Babe, Yaz, and Rick Moranis participating. Here are the results:
East
Larisa Oleynik*
Bayonnaise
Karl Farbman
Kenny Powers
Mr. DeBlasis
The 21th Precinct
The Phoenix
North
Babe*
The Beard of Zeus
Face**
Kiko Garcia**
Kimmy Gibbler
T-Ferg
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
South
Yaz*
Art Schlichter
Blossom Russo
Mr. Marbles
Teddy KGB
The People’s Champ
Will Cover**
West
Rick Moranis*
Boss Hardigan
Don Mattingly
Gordon Bombay
Ron Mexico**
Slovy Maximus
The Notorious A.B.T.
*Defending champion
**Rookie
