The Final Regular Season Report
Another regular season is in the books and we have our nine playoff teams. Overall, this was a banner year for the FMFL. Three franchises over $3,000, new single-season records for total dollars and winning percentage, and an all-time low for total fines. Before we get to the postseason, here’s a look back at how each franchise performed in 2011.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Karl Farbman
Total: $3,400
Winning Percentage: 0.697
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: Farbman surged to the top of the standings in November, but then idled in December before barely losing the overall title. He did win the East for the second straight year and set the single-season record for highest winning percentage in the regular season.
Grade: A
Kimmy Gibbler
Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.528
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Lost – Buffalo – Week 9
Recap: Once Kimmy lost her wild card bet in Week 9, there was no coming back. She might be one franchise that has to rethink her betting strategy in 2012. Even though she hit on nearly 53% percent of her bets, she spent a lot of time below $0.
Grade: C-
Teddy KGB
Total: -$2,200
Winning Percentage: 0.406
Fines: $300
Wild Card Bet: Lost – Kansas City – Week 9
Recap: Oh, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. Another year near the bottom of the standings. When he bet his wild card in Week 9, it was either going to turn his season around with eight weeks left, or sink him. 40% isn’t going to get it done, and Teddy might want to start betting some underdogs next year. Taking the heavy favorites week in and week out didn’t suit him well.
Grade: D-
The Notorious A.B.T.
Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.478
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Won – Pittsburgh – Week 10
Recap: Somehow, despite a winning percentage under 48%, the A.B.T. was in it until the bitter end. A loss and a push in the final week knocked him out of playoff contention. He seems like a franchise that is on the brink of breaking through, but just needs a few breaks to go his way. Unfortunately, he didn’t catch those breaks down the stretch.
Grade: B-
The People’s Champ
Total: $1,900
Winning Percentage: 0.610
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: The Champ made the playoffs and finished the season with a nice 5-for-5 week to pad his winning percentage. However, he couldn’t keep up with Karl Farbman in early November when Karl started to turn it on. Will his lack of strategy and overall intelligence come back to bite him in the playoffs? If history is any guide, we all know the Champ is a homer. He won the inaugural FMFL season in 2007 by riding his home team Giants all the way through the Super Bowl. TPC has already stated publicly that cruising on New York’s coattails will be his strategy for the playoffs.
Grade: B+
The Phoenix
Total: -$1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.471
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Lost – Atlanta – Week 13
Recap: The Phoenix was surprisingly punctual with his bets early in the season and looked like he was going to hang around near the wild card contenders. However, he wasn’t able to keep up with the rest of the pack and dropped off. Still, this season was better than most for the Phoenix.
Grade: C-
The 21th Precinct
Total: -$300
Winning Percentage: 0.469
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Won – Pittsburgh – Week 10
Recap: The Precinct couldn’t gain any momentum in the second half of the season, despite staying in contention through Thanksgiving. His New Year’s resolution might be to improve on his 47% success rate in 2012.
Grade: C
North Division
Babe
Total: $1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.544
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Won – Baltimore – Week 12
Recap: Babe is a tough franchise to figure out. One minute he’s at the bottom of the barrel (losing $500 in Week 16) and the next he’s making a miraculous comeback to make the playoffs (winning $500 in Week 17). Babe bet two teams each week all season long, and though some may have questioned that theory as he could’ve gone the conservative route down the stretch to guarantee his playoff spot, you can’t argue with the results. He’ll be dangerous in the postseason for sure.
Grade: B-
Kiko Garcia
Total: -$2,600
Winning Percentage: 0.402
Fines: $800
Wild Card Bet: Won – Carolina – Week 7
Recap: Sophomore slump? Kiko looked to be getting back into the race right around the midpoint of the season, but then dropped game after game in the second half. KG was also the only franchises to suffer the dreaded $600 fine for not making any bets during a given week. After such a strong showing in 2010, the two-headed monster has a lot to mull over during the offseason.
Grade: F
Larisa Oleynik
Total: $3,600
Winning Percentage: 0.662
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Won – Detroit – Week 4
Recap: Not much else to say about Larisa other than this: she’s by far the hottest (both literally and figuratively) franchise going into the playoffs. In the last month of the season, she rose to the top of the standings and finished it off with a $500 week to win the overall title and set the single-season total record. The defending champ only lost one game last season during the playoffs and in my book is the odds-on favorite to win it this year.
Grade: A+
Mr. DeBlasis
Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.432
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Won – Cleveland – Week 15
Recap: DeBlasis never could get over the hump in 2011. In winning only 43% of his bets, it’s actually surprising that he didn’t end up farther down the standings. It might be time for DeBlasis to start wagering a Babe-esque two games a week to cut down on the mediocrity.
Grade: C
T-Ferg
Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.412
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Won – New Orleans – Week 9
Recap: T-Ferg is another franchise that looked primed to pounce after a strong 2010, but he couldn’t put it together in 2011. More often than not, he was betting the public favorites, and eventually that catches up with any bettor. He’ll look to improve on his 41% success rate next season.
Grade: D+
The Beard of Zeus
Total: $1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.550
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: A rough December for The Beard has him on the outside looking in for the playoffs. It’s shocking to see that he’ll be on the sidelines after winning 55% of his games. He might have to blame his betting strategy in Week 17. He was protecting a lead and just had to win $100 to make the playoffs. Instead he went down in flames. He’s one franchise that would’ve been a force in the postseason.
Grade: C
Yaz
Total: $300
Winning Percentage: 0.529
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Lost – Tampa Bay – Week 15
Recap: A recipe for a ho-hum Funny Money season: add a mediocre winning percentage, a lost wild card bet in December, and a dash of late bets. Stir thoroughly. Yaz ended up $1,000 out of the playoffs, which could be looked at as being unlucky on a few bets this season. But the awful wild card bet on Tampa Bay in Week 15? Out of character for this seasoned Funny Money veteran.
Grade: D+
South Division
Bayonnaise
Total: -$1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.420
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Lost – San Francisco – Week 17
Recap: The ‘Naise was a high draft pick in the divisional draft last September, and he might be a first-rounder again in 2012. Although he has definitely improved on his betting tardiness, Bayonnaise can’t seem to keep up with the rest of the field as the season wears on. By November/December, he was too far back to make a run.
Grade: D+
Boss Hardigan
Total: $1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – Baltimore – Week 17
Recap: The Boss needed two games to go his way in Week 17 to make the playoffs, and unfortunately the Lions did him in. He had another strong showing this season, but can’t seem to get into the upper echelon of Funny Money franchises. Hardigan himself blames the constant distraction of being in the same division as his biological brother, Slovy Maximus, as affecting his focus. He’ll have until next September to figure out what went wrong during the final weeks of 2011.
Grade: B-
Don Mattingly
Total: $1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.541
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – New England – Week 15
Recap: Don turned his season around in the second half and rode a big Week 15 to take the lead in his division. However, it was short lived as he botched his Week 16 bets and ended up just $200 out of the lead. Still, he made the playoffs for the first time, and one has to assume it’s because of the Donald’s new ownership structure. Two chefs in the kitchen has been helpful thus far, but DM’s playoff inexperience and overall paranoia might be his final downfall.
Grade: B+
Mr. Marbles
Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.529
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – Pittsburgh – Week 10
Recap: Marbles had a strong finish to the season, but it was too little, too late. A rough November and early December were crippling to his season. After hand picking his division before the start of 2011, MM did a pretty good job of selecting weak divisional opponents. But that didn’t help him much since he couldn’t contend down the stretch.
Grade: C
Rick Moranis
Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.488
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Lost – Baltimore – Week 15
Recap: Rick finished on the positive side of $0, but some will forget that with five weeks to go he was on the cusp of making a run at the division. A poor December and a failed wild card bet put the kibosh on his playoff hopes. But it’s clear he’s not the doormat that he was in the first few seasons of the FMFL.
Grade: C-
Slovy Maximus
Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.457
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – Cincinnati – Week 5
Recap: It was a disappointing season for Slovy, who was inconsistent all year. Despite winning his wild card bet early, he never gained any momentum in a division that was up for grabs around midseason. He’ll look back on the 2011 FMFL season as a learning experience.
Grade: D+
Will Cover
Total: $1,900
Winning Percentage: 0.554
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: Will got hot right around Thanksgiving and cruised to the division crown without having to use his wild card bet. The litmus test was in Week 16, when trailing in the division for the first time in a month, he won $500 and got back into the driver’s seat. He’ll be a tough team in the playoffs, and will enjoy selecting his divisional opponents in 2012.
Grade: A-
West Division
Art Schlichter
Total: -$1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.429
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – New Orleans – Week 4
Recap: Few would have predicted that Art would be in the standings cellar at the end of the season, but that’s the case. Despite winning his wild card bet, he failed to put together a solid week for the majority of the season. Is his lack of focus bringing him down? Or is he focusing too much on gambling ventures which is clouding his judgment?
Grade: D
Blossom Russo
Total: $2,500
Winning Percentage: 0.588
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – Chicago – Week 11
Recap: Blossom closed the season with a strong run that put her near the top of the overall standings. She’ll look back at the regular season and wonder what could have been if she would have had a stronger start. But looking ahead, she’s a playoff team with experience and a hot hand.
Grade: A-
Bud Fox
Total: $3,000
Winning Percentage: 0.612
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – Houston – Week 12
Recap: Bud had all the right moves in 2011, and showed once again that rookies can dominate right out of the gate. He used his diversified approach to build a strong winning percentage and total, and was able to hold off Blossom and others to win the division and finish just behind the overall leader. The playoffs are a different animal, however, but Bud is a franchise to watch in the postseason.
Grade: A
Face
Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.412
Fines: $500
Wild Card Bet: Won – Green Bay – Week 5
Recap: Face had flashes of brilliance this season and weeks where he looked like a playoff contender. But fines and too many -$500 weeks were his undoing this year. One wonders if he has the gusto to keep up with the young bucks or if he’ll be a step behind again next season.
Grade: D+
Gordon Bombay
Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.615
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Lost – Green Bay – Week 15
Recap: It was Bombay’s division to lose at the midpoint of the season, and he did just that. Despite a gaudy winning percentage, he lost in December when it mattered most, including his wild card bet. He had a chance in Week 17 to make a furious comeback, but couldn’t get it together and will be a bystander for the playoffs this year.
Grade: C
Ron Mexico
Total: $1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.590
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Lost – Philadelphia – Week 5
Recap: Ron is one of the few franchises that was able to recover from losing his wild card bet to make the postseason. However, his Week 17 strategy with a comfortable lead to make the playoffs was puzzling. He lost $500 and was lucky to sneak in and enters the postseason on a down note.
Grade: B-
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Total: $600
Winning Percentage: 0.489
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – Pittsburgh – Week 10
Recap: Waldo got caught up in the December blues with a few other franchises in the West, and failed to keep up with the rest of the pack. He finished just outside the playoff teams, but can be applauded for staying in it with a sub-0.500 winning percentage.
Grade: C+
2011 FMFL Playoff Field
Congratulations to the following franchises that have qualified for the 2011 FMFL Playoffs:
Karl Farbman (East Division Champion)
Larisa Oleynik (North Division Champion)
Will Cover (South Division Champion)
Bud Fox (West Division Champion)
Blossom Russo (Wild Card Berth)
The People’s Champ (Wild Card Berth)
Don Mattingly (Wild Card Berth)
Ron Mexico (Wild Card Berth)
Babe (Wild Card Berth)
All of the division winners will remain in their divisions for the 2012 season and will take place in the 2012 Divisional Draft.
The Midseason Report
Gentlemen – We are at the halfway point. So far, we are at a record-low for amount of dollars fined (only $600 so far) and wild card bets used (22 of 28 still are on the shelf). The lowest of the low aren’t even -$1,000, so there is a plethora of franchises that are on the bubble for playoff contention. There’s a long way to go, but usually the murky playoff picture starts to become more clear once we get to Thanksgiving, so this month is crucial.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Karl Farbman
Current Total: $1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.625
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Farbman spent most of the first half of the season with the lead in the East, but hasn’t been able to separate himself from the rest of the pack. He hasn’t had a -$500 yet, and still has his wild card bet available.
Grade: A-
Kimmy Gibbler
Current Total: $0
Winning Percentage: 0.526
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: It’s puzzling that Gibbler hasn’t been more successful so far. She’s hitting on over 52% of her games, and hasn’t bet her wild card yet. She needs to avoid droughts (like this past week), to get back into the playoff chase.
Grade: C
Teddy KGB
Current Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.375
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: 2011 has been a disappointment for Teddy, who is in last place overall. But this year is like no other, with not a ton of separation between the bottom feeders and the playoff teams, so he’s not out of it yet. Look for him to pull the wild card bet trigger soon to get back into relevancy.
Grade: D
The Notorious A.B.T.
Current Total: $300
Winning Percentage: 0.480
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The A.B.T. showed flashes of excellence last season, and now looks on the brink of taking the leap towards a respected contender. However, 48% is not going to get it done. If he can hit his wild card bet, he’ll be dangerous down the stretch.
Grade: C+
The People’s Champ
Current Total: $1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.540
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: After a few weeks, it looked like another lost season for TPC, but he rallied and is making a strong push for the East Division crown. In recent years he has been all sizzle and no steak, but he’s looking to change his reputation in 2011.
Grade: B+
The Phoenix
Current Total: $0
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Phoenix was near the top of the standings for the first month of the season, but recently fell back to the middle of the league. He’s only $1,200 out of the division race, and $600 out of the playoff race. The big surprise is that he has not been fined yet this year.
Grade: C-
The 21th Precinct
Current Total: -$700
Winning Percentage: 0.455
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Precinct went into a hole early, and hasn’t been able to get back on the positive side of $0. He’s another franchise that shouldn’t be shy to bet his wild card early in the second half of the season.
Grade: D+
North Division
Babe
Current Total: $0
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Boring across the board. No wild card bet. No fines. 50/50 on bets (two teams each week). $0 to show for it. The glass is either half full (with Babe ready to roll in the second half) or half empty (with Babe behind most of the league by failing to impress in the first eight weeks).
Grade: C-
Kiko Garcia
Current Total: -$500
Winning Percentage: 0.452
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – Carolina – Week 7
Recap: Kiko made a name for himself with a strong playoff run in 2010, but he hasn’t been able to recapture the magic. He’s $500 in the hole despite winning his wild card bet, so it’s a uphill battle the rest of the way.
Grade: D+
Larisa Oleynik
Current Total: $1,600
Winning Percentage: 0.625
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Won – Detroit – Week 4
Recap: Last year’s overall champion stumbled out of the gate, but quickly shot back up the leaderboard, aided by a huge wild card win in Week 4. She’s created some separation from the rest of the North, and now has her beautiful blue eyes on the overall regular season championship.
Grade: A
Mr. DeBlasis
Current Total: -$400
Winning Percentage: 0.438
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: It’s been an uncharacteristic off year for DeBlasis, who has been inconsistent since Week 1. All things considered, he’s only -$400 after an awful start, and has the potential to get on a hot streak as the season wears on.
Grade: C-
T-Ferg
Current Total: -$700
Winning Percentage: 0.406
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Another of the league’s mysteries, T-Ferg has been abysmal. He’s just over 40% and keeps falling farther behind the leaders. In the past, he has been the master of the three or four-team system, winning two of three or three of four in a given week. T-Ferg has had the opposite luck this year.
Grade: D
The Beard of Zeus
Current Total: $600
Winning Percentage: 0.579
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Last year’s regular season champ was the big dog in the North for a few weeks, but was overtaken by Larisa. He definitely has the stamina to chase her down, but time’s a wasting and he has a $1,000 deficit to make up.
Grade: B
Yaz
Current Total: $500
Winning Percentage: 0.531
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Yaz is having one of his typical years, up one week, down the next – never falling too far behind, but never jumping out to the lead. Two years ago, he had a mediocre season until the last month, when he went on a flawless run. His second half could hinge on his wild card bet, which he usually saves until the bitter end.
Grade: B-
South Division
Bayonnaise
Current Total: -$700
Winning Percentage: 0.447
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The ‘Naise looks as if last year’s strong showing was a flash in the pan. He’s back to his old way: making late bets, -$500 weeks, and never gaining any momentum. He should bet his wild card bet sooner rather than later, especially in the ho-hum South, where he is somehow still only a grand out of the lead.
Grade: D+
Boss Hardigan
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.450
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Hardy is only hitting 45%, but in the South that means you are a true contender. He has a few years under his belt and is in it for the long haul, but the next three weeks are critical for his playoff chances.
Grade: C-
Don Mattingly
Current Total: -$400
Winning Percentage: 0.429
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Don looked like a rising star a few weeks ago, but then quickly dropped $500 last week and moved back down the divisional ladder. Now with two owners rather than one, the results have been the same: Don’s betting big favorites and losing most of the time.
Grade: D
Mr. Marbles
Current Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.375
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Marbles is another franchise that was right in the thick of it in the division, but has lost $500 each of the last two weeks, leaving him in the basement. The bright side is that if he could string together a few good weeks, the leaders aren’t too far out of reach…..yet.
Grade: D-
Rick Moranis
Current Total: $300
Winning Percentage: 0.432
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: How is a franchise that has hit only 43% of his bets leading his division? Welcome to the South. Rick’s lead isn’t comfortable by any means, but he does have the experience of winning the regular season under his belt, so he might be the odds-on favorite to take the division crown. But then again, it’s a crapshoot.
Grade: C+
Slovy Maximus
Current Total: -$300
Winning Percentage: 0.423
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – Cincinnati – Week 5
Recap: Slovy won his wild card bet, but failed to capitalize, and sits $600 back in the division. His main hope is that many of the other franchises lose their wild card bets and drop back, because if not, he’ll need a big turnaround to make the playoffs.
Grade: C-
Will Cover
Current Total: $200
Winning Percentage: 0.471
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Last year, Will was on the brink of breaking through, but had to get out of the kitchen when he couldn’t take the heat in the last two weeks. Now, a playoff berth is his for the taking if he can get his act together in the second half.
Grade: C+
West Division
Art Schlichter
Current Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.471
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Won – New Orleans – Week 4
Recap: Art can’t seem to catch a break this year. He can’t string together a winning week, but has been resilient and is by no means out of it. However, he already used his wild card bet, so he’ll need to be more consistent if he wants to get back to the playoffs.
Grade: C
Blossom Russo
Current Total: $500
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: After half a season, Blossom hasn’t been remarkable one way or the other, yet has gradually forced his way into the wild card race. Though recently he has been quite underwhelming, Blossom has experience on his side if it comes down to the final weeks.
Grade: B-
Bud Fox
Current Total: $600
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The only rookie in the league this year, Bud has weathered the early-season storm of highs and lows to sit at $600. We are only halfway home, so it will be interesting if he can hang into the last month of the season.
Grade: B
Face
Current Total: $600
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Won – Green Bay – Week 5
Recap: Face has had an up-and-down season so far, dipping down low into the negative and then rising as high as $1,000. He’s a contender and will likely be in the playoff picture down the stretch. His streakiness might help him or cripple him come season’s end.
Grade: B-
Gordon Bombay
Current Total: $1,800
Winning Percentage: 0.696
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Bombay has been on fire for all eight weeks, crushing the competition and picking winners at nearly 70%. He’s varied his betting between two and threes from week-to-week, and has a nice cushion with nine weeks to go.
Grade: A
Ron Mexico
Current Total: $500
Winning Percentage: 0.600
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Lost – Philadelphia – Week 5
Recap: Despite losing his wild card bet (the only FMFL franchise to do so thus far), Ron is right in the mix. He’s minimized the damage when he’s lost and also has a track record of being able to go on a run. Time will tell if Ron can give Gordon a run for his money.
Grade: B+
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Current Total: $200
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Waldo has underwhelmed so far, and is among the many franchises that have toed the equator for the first half of the season. His wild card bet could dictate if he’s a contender for the playoffs or sinks back into the cellar.
Grade: C
The 2011 FMFL Preview by Rick Moranis
Because your Labor Day wouldn’t be the same without it, here is the 2011 Funny Money Football League season divisional preview brought to you by Rick Moranis, otherwise known as Rick’s Picks ™. Guaranteed to be worth every penny of -$3,300.00 :
A quick hello and farewell before we begin. Hi, Bud Fox, and welcome. You now have another reason to watch the fourth quarter of that late Rams game rather than writing that scathing Jackson Steinem tell-all you’ve been swearing to get to all these years. So long, Kenny Powers, you’ll be missed. Enjoy shedding some pounds on Sundays for a change in your nice new K-Swiss.
We’ll start with the East, which has two beasts and a lot of leasts. The People’s Champ and Karl Farbman took home the first two FMFL titles, but since then each have gone down separate paths at the proverbial fork in the road. While Farbman has seemingly gotten better (some would also say handsomer) with age, posting a career $4,800 in earnings, The Champ recently has been playin’ The Chump, hemorrhaging fake cash at rates that would make the A.B.T. proud to be not as bad. But this is the year I think he reverses course and hangs with Karl until the end. Maybe. Speaking of the A.B.T. …
…I just don’t see it. Not until he invents a new scientific method will he ever hang with the big boys. Consult the wasps, Notorious, they’ve never steered you wrong. As for the rest, look for the 21th Precinct to ride the dark horse in this division. A man with a 3rd place playoff finish on his belt and an obscure “th” tacked onto a “1” are surely sings of a man who knows his numbers. Meanwhile, we’ll all be waiting for Teddy KGB’s annual and perfunctory quick ascent up standings at the start season followed by his mighty crash and burn. The only question is what week this year will the frosting fall on the wrong side of the Oreo for Teddy – Week 8 or Week 9? Kimmy Gibbler made the playoffs once, back in 2008, a year when men were still men and her reruns still aired, but those days are long gone. Hopefully two straight seasons spent deep in the red will light a fire under Kimmy. And as for fires, they say the mythical Phoenix gloriously rises out of the ashes. Still waiting, guy.
The North looks to be the ringer this year. This veritable collection of heavyweights was assembled by default when The Beard of Zeus neglected to show up at the divisional draft. It’s really hard to blame The Beard as he was just married and now no doubt has the joys and foibles of newlywed life to attend to, but, will these delights end up being his downfall this year? Whatever happens, he truly does have a magnificent beard that can make grown men weep. Babe was once one gyro away from winning a regular season title ultimately (shockingly) taken by Yours Truly. Not one mull over anything not powered by an Xbox, he charged back into the playoffs last year, but once again settled for a playoff sixth. A leaner and more streamlined Babe is now looking for some postseason zest to match his regular season hunger. Larisa Oleynik, that lovely two-headed medusa, returns as the defending 2010 FMFL Champion and has her stone-cold gaze on a dynasty in the making. With a career $3,000 in the bank she could do it, but to do so she’ll have to go through the other big dog in this group, champ from 2009 and old man river Yaz. His is a career that has now successfully spanned four decades and it is said that with age comes greater wisdom and insight. Unfortunately, so does dementia, so Yaz best take his ginko this season if he hopes to fend off the other young whippersnappers in this group, such as T-Ferg, Senor DeBlasis and Kiko Garcia (albeit I’m told Kiko is a bit older and can hit softballs farther than his two peers). Each of these spry gentlemen have gained valuable playoff experience already in their careers, so don’t be surprised if either of these three wind up holding the division’s torch high up amongst the Northern Lights at season’s end.
So who assembled the next group of clowns together in this year’s circus know as the South? It was Mr. Marbles, the returning division champion. Marbles is perhaps the most successful FMFL franchise never to take the big playoff prize, finishing 2nd in 2008 and obtaining $5,500 career fictional dollars along the way. Perhaps as a consolation prize to himself Marbles has chosen a crew to compete against that offers him the best bet at returning to the Land of Almost. And what a collection it is – not one other franchise in this sad sack of a division has career earnings in the positive, combining to “win” a grand total of -$9,700 funny dollars. ¡Ay, caramba!
At least there is high comedy potential in the 2011 South and you know this is true when the next best franchise equipped to challenge for first place is none other than Bayonnaise. When he lived on the East Coast, Bayonnaise remembered to place timely bets with the same frequency he remembered to take out his contacts before bed – low. But ever since moving West, he’s been on a tear, reaching the playoffs for the first time in 2010. Problem is, he’s betting in the South now, and egg-based products spoil easily in the hot Southern sun. We also have two classic foe pairs here, the first pitting the wannabe rich Boss Hardigan and Slovy Maximus brothers against each other. Slovy did manage to make it to even zero last year (yay!) while the Boss picked his way to a 4th playoff finish, so there is hope. But hope can get you killed. The other pair aiming to kill each other off is Don Mattingly and Rick Moranis. Donnie and I’s hot and cold rivalry goes back many years, back to the times when he sported a bowl cut and I a well-groomed side part. Although Don may have $-3,000 to my tidy -$3,300, it is I Rick that holds the one playoff berth between us. Stellar. It must be noted, however, that in Don’s favor this year is the official addition of his silent partner to the Mattingly masthead, who I hope will plead with the original Don to lay off on the Chiefs wagers. And then there is Will Cover, a man who debuted last year with an honest -$200. In this group Will, that’s usually good for 2nd place! God bless you.
Last, but not least, although maybe least, is the West. The entire American West was at one point property of New Spain, the precursor to today’s Mexico, so I suppose it is appropriate that Ron Mexico returns as West champion. One year, one title for Ron. Nice. But you’ve got company, you rich pseudonym for a pseudonym you. A former division winner in Gordon “Don’t Call Me Gordan” Bombay lurks as does titan-in-waiting Art Schlichter. Both had uncharacteristically poor wagering seasons in 2010 and would love nothing more than to win a betting league division title. It would mean the world to these guys, seriously. Face entered 2010 amid trumpets and fanfare, but then let the fans down with a -$3,300. Face needs step it up or “face” the music this year. Blossom Russo nearly won the whole thing in 2007 and for the first three years acquitted herself very well, but apparently spent all of 2010 hanging out with Chris B. Corey. I think she’s learned her lesson and will compete again. Bud Fox, hello again. I ain’t know you, but you can’t be any worse than me (see Stats: Moranis, Rick), so have fun. Lastly, there is Waldo Geralo Faldo, a three-named schizophrenic wagering bandit who word has it will be watching the majority of these games lying on his couch with a bowl of candy on his chest. He’s won big in the past and also lost heavy, so we’ll have to wait and see what happens. If he chooses Milk Duds this year, watch out. If he goes with Smarties, you are all probably safe.
So there you have it. If you didn’t agree with these forecasts, remember that I have a career 0.486 winning percentage. If I picked you to do well, I’m sorry as I’ll probably be seeing you at the bottom. It’s not so bad. I bid you good day, and to borrow form the Executive Director, who somebody somewhere loves, good luck.
Regards,
Rick
2011 Vegas Odds
The following are the official 2011 Vegas Odds for the Funny Money Football Championship, as posted by the Tangiers Casino in Las Vegas. The odds are based on past performance, gambling history, and general hygiene.
Odds to Win: Funny Money Football Championship
| Art Schlichter | 11 to 1 |
| Babe | 8 to 1 |
| Bayonnaise | 50 to 1 |
| Blossom Russo | 26 to 1 |
| Boss Hardigan | 22 to 1 |
| Bud Fox | 100 to 1 |
| Don Mattingly | 170 to 1 |
| Face | 40 to 1 |
| Gordon Bombay | 19 to 1 |
| Karl Farbman | 12 to 1 |
| Kiko Garcia | 10 to 1 |
| Kimmy Gibbler | 50 to 1 |
| Larisa Oleynik | 5 to 1 |
| Mr. DeBlasis | 10 to 1 |
| Mr. Marbles | 12 to 1 |
| Rick Moranis | 1,000 to 1 |
| Ron Mexico | 300 to 1 |
| Slovy Maximus | 40 to 1 |
| Teddy KGB | 75 to 1 |
| T-Ferg | 9 to 1 |
| The 21th Precinct | 45 to 1 |
| The Beard of Zeus | 30 to 1 |
| The Notorious A.B.T. | 600 to 1 |
| The People’s Champ | 30 to 1 |
| The Phoenix | 500 to 1 |
| Waldo Geraldo Faldo | 25 to 1 |
| Will Cover | 30 to 1 |
| Yaz | 10 to 1 |
TSR’s 2011 Fantasy Funny Money Preview
By: Don Mattingly aka The Talented Senor Roto
It’s that time of year again. Time to dust off the old cowboy hat, gorge yourself on the Talented Senorita Roto’s famous guac, sit around the table, and draft your Fantasy Funny Money teams. This is where the Talented Senor Roto comes in to help. Now typically, I would start this column by going on a seven paragraph diatribe about some sexy, obscure actress, throwing in a bunch of horn-tooting jokes about my college years (quantity over quality…am I right? Or am I right?), and then relating it all back to DeSean Jackson, but it appears as though the Talented Funny Money Website Editor Roto is giving me the signal to get right to the chase…and thus…
When breaking down the Funny Money Fantasy prospects, it’s important to look at things by division since the division race typically can alter a player’s betting habits and, therefore, affect their fantasy value.
EAST DIVISION
STUD: KARL FARBMAN – In a fairly mediocre division, you don’t have to go too far to find the cream of the crop. He’ll easily outperform his ADP.
BUST: THE 21TH PRECINCT – Out of all teams with career winnings, 21th rolls in with the lowest winning percentage (.485). That doesn’t bode well in my draft rankings.
SLEEPER: THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP – People will see the career loss of $1,000, but what they fail to see is a career 90 wins and a .538 winning percentage. Sneakily grab him in the second or third round of your draft and he’ll pay instant dividends.
SUPER SLEEPER (HIGH RISK/HIGH REWARD): THE NOTORIOUS A.B.T. – Watch out for third year players. Sometimes it takes that long to learn the system.
NORTH DIVISION
STUD: MR. DEBLASIS – He flies a little lower under the radar, especially in this division, but 95 career wins makes him a must have in my book. He’s currently going in the early second round in most mock drafts, but to me he’s first round talent.
BUST: THE BEARD OF ZEUS – HATE HATE HATE…TSR is drinking the Hateorade on The Beard. The Beard broke two of TSR’s three key rules to life – don’t get married before the age of thirty and never…never…NEVER AUTODRAFT!!! The other, obviously being, never get less than 10 hours sleep.
As a great man once said, “I will attack you with the North” and I love the North division as a whole, but like I said, division strength adversely affects fantasy value. Every team in this division is a solid fantasy pick, and like my old adage, don’t pay for saves, you can get great value from these teams in the 5th maybe 6th rounds of your draft!
SOUTH DIVISION
STUD: MR. MARBLES – Head and shoulders above anyone else in this division. His career winnings are $5,500. Next best in his division is a whopping -$200. Pick him number one overall on draft day and feel confident you won’t be walking on Marbles!
BUST: RICK MORANIS – In a division this pathetic, how do you even pick a bust? As Dave Grohl once said while sitting at CVP, “it’s times like these” where you just have to find a perennial bust, and in that case, look no further than Rick. Don’t let that big year a couple seasons ago fool you. Much like the Foo Fighters themselves, this clown is an absolute bust!
SLEEPER: BAYONNAISE – For a team with negative dollar signs, he has a sneaky good career winning percentage (.519) and amount of career wins (81). If a few field goals went his way in the past, he may be sitting near the top of the leader board.
SUPER SLEEPER (HIGH RISK/HIGH REWARD): DON MATTINGLY – If you’re reading into the hype, you may as well take a late draft flier on Donnie this season. The well documented management change has vowed to never pick the Chiefs again, which should help his wallet, but be warned: Titans picks may be on the rise.
WEST DIVISION
STUD: GORDON BOMBAY – Every preseason Gord’s Gold gets lambasted with the BUST moniker and every season Gord takes it in stride and just keeps winning. His 99 career wins is tops all time, not to mention a meaty $4,600 in the bank. I wouldn’t take him first overall, but if he’s around near the end of the first round of your draft, you’d be a fool not to take him.
BUST: RON MEXICO – FMFL has a history of one and done rookie phenoms. In TSR’s opinion, let’s add Ron to the list.
SLEEPER: ART SCHLICHTER – THIRD YEAR PLAYERS…THIRD YEAR PLAYERS…THIRD YEAR PLAYERS! He’s on the brink and TSR thinks this is the year he puts it all together!
There you have it. As my doctor once told me, “Hindsight is 20/20, my friend.” So don’t come knocking on my door if these picks are terrible.
Don Mattingly – The Talented Senor Roto – is the creator of the site FunnyMoneyFantasies.org where he can be humiliated and stalked at will.
Follow Don on Twitter: @FantasyMustache
Divisional Draft Chat Wrap
The following is a summary of the divisional draft chat room:
The Executive Director: Hello Marbles
Mr. Marbles: where’s that beard
The Executive Director: alright – we’re going without the Beard
The Executive Director: he can have the leftovers
The Executive Director: The order is as follows: Karl Farbman, Mr. Marbles, Ron Mexico
The Executive Director: then back in the reverse the next round
The Executive Director: Karl Farbman – you’re up
Karl Farbman: With the first pick, I take a man who needs no introduction: The Phoenix
The Executive Director: Marbles, your pick
Mr. Marbles: that was a given 4 months ago
Mr. Marbles: Don Mattingly…tag team is not back again
The Executive Director: got it
Mr. Marbles: chill brah
The Executive Director: Ron with two picks
Mexico: Well, I honestly don’t know the real name of any person in this league besides the guy who pays me to be his friend
Mexico: so I pick the absolute worse from last year, Face and Blossom Russo
Mr. Marbles: haha blossom is not going to be happy about this
The Executive Director: Nice – Marbles, you’re up
Mr. Marbles: Rick Moranis…he’s short, he’s stocky, he wants to be a jockey
The Executive Director: Great pick
The Executive Director: Karl with two picks in a row
Karl Farbman: I’ll take the always terrible Notorious A.B.T.
Karl Farbman: and The 21th Precinct
The Executive Director: Marbles back to you
Mr. Marbles: Slovy Maximus…he is turrible….last of my bottom 5 cellars
The Executive Director: slovy is off the board – Ron to you for two picks
Mexico: Gordon Bombay
Mexico: cause I know I can beat him
Mr. Marbles: Bombay rides or dies by the Patriots
Mexico: it’s the Jets now actually
Mexico: well dependin on if he wants to get some or not
Mexico: I pick Waldo
Mexico: Geraldo
Mexico: Faldo
The Executive Director: never trust a man with three names
The Executive Director: back to you Marbles
Mr. Marbles: Boss Hardigan…let’s bring those brothers together
The Executive Director: Karl for two picks
Karl Farbman: I’ll take one guy who always falters down the stretch
Karl Farbman: Teddy KGB
Karl Farbman: And one who has always let me down
Karl Farbman: Kimmy Gibbler
The Executive Director: nice – Marbles?
Mr. Marbles: the newlywed who I already beat once this year…at pre-cana…in the soon-to-be wed game
Mr. Marbles: Will Cover
The Executive Director: Getting personal
The Executive Director: Ron for two
Mexico: shoot I was going to pick People’s Champ but I guess the kitchen got too hot for him
Mexico: I’ll take the rookie, Bud Fox
Mexico: and Art Schlichter
The Executive Director: marbles?
Mr. Marbles: 2010 was clearly a fluke, so I’ll take mr. 1918 himself
Mr. Marbles: Bayonaisse
The Executive Director: marbles takes bayonnaise
Mr. Marbles: yeah however you spell it, the kid bathes in it
The Executive Director: karl?
Karl Farbman: i’ll take, with my last selection – the people’s champ
The Executive Director: So the beard of zeus by default gets:
The Executive Director: kiko garcia, mr deblasis, t-ferg, babe, yaz, and larisa oleynik
Mr. Marbles: best of luck to you zeus…you’re f-ed
Mexico: ha shoot
The Executive Director: thanks for participating everyone
2011 Divisional Draft Results
Here are the results of the 2011 FMFL Divisional Draft, which took place on August 30, 2011, with the Executive Director presiding. The Beard of Zeus chose to abstain from the proceedings.
East Division
Karl Farbman*
Kimmy Gibbler
Teddy KGB
The Notorious A.B.T.
The People’s Champ
The Phoenix
The 21th Precinct
North Division
The Beard of Zeus*
Babe
Kiko Garcia
Larisa Oleynik
Mr. DeBlasis
T-Ferg
Yaz
South Division
Mr. Marbles*
Bayonnaise
Boss Hardigan
Don Mattingly
Rick Moranis
Slovy Maximus
Will Cover
West Division
Ron Mexico*
Art Schlichter
Blossom Russo
Bud Fox
Face
Gordon Bombay
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
*defending division champion
The 2011 Rookie Class
(Editor’s note: before each season, we like to meet our expansion franchises. This year, we only have one new team – Bud Fox.)
Bud Fox – Bud is yet another two-person collaboration project to join the Funny Money Football League. Both of the beasts that make up this two-headed monster are well-versed and proven in the fantasy football realm. However, many are skeptical that their skills will translate to the world of Funny Money. However, their participation in the league should be kept quiet, as they are both still on probation for the Bluestar Airline incident of 1987.
Bud was turned onto the league by Mr. Marbles. In seasons past, Marbles would share his picks with Bud each week. But now play time is over and the ventriloquist dummy’s mouth will be shut.
One possible hurdle for this franchise is that one of the co-owners is expecting a baby in December, which is sure to be a distraction. Rumor has it that if they struggle early, Bud has an “insider” named Blue Horseshoe that is sure to give them correct picks each week.
Welcome Bud. Here’s fair warning: when it’s Week 15 and your wife is upset that you’re not paying attention to your newborn because you’re analyzing why the Lions spread moved half a point on Friday, you can’t blame us. You volunteered for this. Good luck.
(special thanks to Mr. Marbles for his contributions to this post)
2011 Funny Money Football League Roster
The field is set for the 2011 Funny Money Football League. The divisional draft will take place on August 30. Here are the franchises:
Art Schlichter
Babe
Bayonnaise
Blossom Russo
Boss Hardigan
Bud Fox**
Don Mattingly
Face
Gordon Bombay
Karl Farbman*
Kiko Garcia
Kimmy Gibbler
Larisa Oleynik*
Mr. DeBlasis
Mr. Marbles
Rick Moranis
Ron Mexico
Slovy Maximus
T-Ferg
Teddy KGB
The Beard of Zeus
The Notorious A.B.T.
The People’s Champ*
The Phoenix
The 21th Precinct
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Will Cover
Yaz*
*former champion
**rookie
