The Postseason Report
Another regular season in the books. Some franchises performed well down the stretch, and some folded like a cheap card table.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Boss Hardigan
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.554
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – NY Giants ($800) – Lost
Recap: After a sluggish start, the Boss made a big comeback in the second half of the season only to fall just short of the playoffs. Losing his big bet in Week 16 was what ultimately decided his season.
Grade: B+
Gordon Bombay
Current Total: $2,100
Winning Percentage: 0.636
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – New Orleans ($600) – Lost
Recap: Gordon hung around the top of the division during the first half of the year, and then made his move and broke away from the rest of the pack. Down the stretch he was anything but perfect, betting late one week and then nearly losing a $600 lead in the final week, but he held on to win the division by $100.
Grade: A-
Karl Farbman
Current Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Pittsburgh ($800) – Won
Recap: Pitiful is one word to describe how Karl performed in the second half of the season. He went from leading the division and looking like he could contend for the overall title, to slipping back into the negatives until winning $500 in the last week of the season. He failed to threepeat as the East champion, and will need to rebuild in 2013.
Grade: D
Mr. DeBlasis
Current Total: -$1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Cleveland ($800) – Lost
Recap: DeBlasis never gained momentum in the 2012 campaign, and once he lost his wild card bet in Week 9, his season was all but over. For a FMFL veteran, Mr. D has declined in recent years, and with this last place finish he has certainly hit rock bottom.
Grade: D-
Teddy KGB
Current Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.443
Fines: $800
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Baltimore ($800) – Won
Recap: The same old story for Teddy KGB, who despite winning his wild card bet in Week 9, couldn’t put it together in October and November and was out of the playoff picture for most of the year. Time for a new strategy in 2013?
Grade: D
The 21th Precinct
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.578
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 15 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: The Precinct had one of the best second halves in recent memory, as he went from being right around even money to emerging as contender for the division crown. If he could have had a stronger finish in Week 17, the East title was there for the taking. His consolation is that he’ll still be in the postseason.
Grade: A-
The Beard of Zeus
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.571
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: The Beard got hot in the middle of the year and was yet another team that barely missed out on winning the East. He did not use his wild card bet, and instead rode a strong winning percentage to another playoff appearance.
Grade: A-
North Division
Bayonnaise
Current Total: $3,200
Winning Percentage: 0.600
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Houston ($800) – Won
Recap: After winning his wild card bet in Week 9, the ‘Naise got red-hot and surged to the top of the star-studded North Division. In the final few weeks of the season, many franchises took shots at his throne, but they all fell by the wayside in the end. 2012 was definitely his finest performance to date, and he’ll have a target on his back in the playoffs.
Grade: A
Kimmy Gibbler
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.487
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: Ultimately this year was one of “what could have beens” for Gibbler, who had an incredible December comeback, winning $500 four weeks in a row. But in the final week of the season, she dropped $500. A better start to the season in 2013, and she could have a return to glory.
Grade: B-
Larisa Oleynik
Current Total: $900
Winning Percentage: 0.514
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: Larisa treaded water for most of the season around the top of the North Division, but when the heat was turned up in the last few weeks, she couldn’t put it together. A very uncharacteristic Week 17 as well, as late bets and two losses dashed her postseason dreams.
Grade: B-
Ron Mexico
Current Total: $900
Winning Percentage: 0.528
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: Ronnie had another solid season, but was too inconsistent to return to the playoffs. In most weeks he was either winning or losing $500, and couldn’t grind it out with the other North franchises during the later stages of the season.
Grade: B-
The Phoenix
Current Total: -$1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.545
Fines: $1,300
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Chicago ($600) – Won
Recap: The broken record for the Phoenix – pretty good picks, but so many fines that he was never considered to be a contender. Maybe he should put a reminder alarm on his phone? If so, he could make the playoffs someday.
Grade: D-
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Current Total: $500
Winning Percentage: 0.545
Fines: $700
Wild Card Bet: Week 8 – NY Giants ($800) – Won
Recap: Waldo made a push in November, but faded later in the season and couldn’t hang with the sharks. His winning percentage is commendable, but in the end he was a few wins away from anything but a pat on the back.
Grade: B-
Yaz
Current Total: $1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.608
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Dallas ($800) – Lost
Recap: Not many franchises can lose $1,000 in Week 17 and still get into the playoffs, but it shows how strong Yaz was in December. He took a shot and tried to win the division, but Bayonnaise could not be caught. Over 60% this year makes him one of the postseason favorites.
Grade: B+
South Division
Babe
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.489
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 4 – New England ($800) – Won
Recap: Babe never got things going in 2012, and even an early wild card victory couldn’t propel him into contention in the South. He bets two teams almost every week, so his seasons are always boom or absolute bust.
Grade: C-
Don Mattingly
Current Total: $900
Winning Percentage: 0.557
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Green Bay ($800) – Lost
Recap: The Donald has little to show for a solid season due to a Week 17 collapse. Donnie was leading the division and used his wild card bet in a “win or go home” situation. Unfortunately for Don, Christian Ponder crushed his dreams of taking home the South title.
Grade: B
Mr. Marbles
Current Total: $600
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 13 – Houston ($800) – Won
Recap: Marbles has awful in the first half of the season, but bounced back in a big way and made a run at the division, only to tumble in the last few weeks of the year. He was still around to fight for a playoff spot, but came up short, losing $500 in Week 17.
Grade: B
Rick Moranis
Current Total: -$1,800
Winning Percentage: 0.405
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – St. Louis ($800) – Lost
Recap: Another last place finish. Next.
Grade: F
T-Ferg
Current Total: -$1,500
Winning Percentage: 0.433
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: T-Ferg couldn’t put together a run this season, and despite winning his wild card bet, never got on a hot streak. His winning percentage was Moranis-like in 2012.
Grade: D-
The Notorious A.B.T.
Current Total: -$1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.427
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 14 – Baltimore ($800) – Lost
Recap: If his Week 14 wild card bet had gone the other way, we might be talking about ABT in the playoffs. But the Ravens collapsed against the Redskins, and The Notorious collapsed for the rest of the year. A strong showing in Weeks 1 through 13.
Grade: D-
Will Cover
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.523
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Tennessee ($800) – Won
Recap: At the midpoint of the year, Will was winning over 70% of his games. In the second half of the year, he could barely eke out a winning week and lost control of what at one time seemed to be an insurmountable lead. But in Week 17, when the money was on the line, he won his wild card bet and defended his South Division crown.
Grade: A-
West Division
Art Schlichter
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 12 – Cincinnati ($800) – Won
Recap: A pretty ho-hum year for Art, who won 50% of his games and won his wild card bet, but was too far behind the rest of the pack to make a playoff run.
Grade: B-
Blossom Russo
Current Total: $1,900
Winning Percentage: 0.628
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Green Bay ($800) – Lost
Recap: Blossom was in the lead in the West for most of the year, and then in Week 17 took a stab at winning the overall regular season title. He failed miserably, and in the end lost $1,000 and lost the division. He’ll still be in the playoffs, but momentum is not on his side.
Grade: B+
Bud Fox
Current Total: $1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 10 – Denver ($800) – Won
Recap: Bud Fox jumped up the standings during November after a quiet first half of the season. He backed into the playoffs in the final spot, and has now made the postseason in each of his first two seasons.
Grade: B+
Face
Current Total: $2,100
Winning Percentage: 0.674
Fines: $800
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Indianapolis ($800) – Won
Recap: The West Division championship fell into Face’s lap in the end, as he lost $500 but still erased a $300 deficit due to Blossom’s unfortunate picks. But Face, who had a remarkable total considering he missed making his bets one week, and won 67%, nearly setting the single season record. A great season and one of the favorites in the playoffs.
Grade: A-
Kenny Powers
Current Total: -$1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.361
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – Chicago ($800) – Won
Recap: Kenny got back in the league in 2012, and it seems as though he was rusty the entire season. Even with winning his wild card bet, his meager 36% winning percentage held him back from ever being in contention this year.
Grade: D-
Kiko Garcia
Current Total: $1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.522
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – New England ($800) – Won
Recap: Kiko made a big push late in the year and won $1,000 in the final week, but it was too little, too late as he just missed out on the playoffs. A good year for Kiko, though, as they are a team on the rise in the FMFL.
Grade: B
The People’s Champ
Current Total: -$700
Winning Percentage: 0.470
Fines: $800
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: The Champ didn’t use his wild card bet, had $800 worth of fines, and a subpar winning percentage. He might have still been hungover from the 2011 victory party because his head wasn’t in it this season.
Grade: D+
The Midseason Report
Gentlemen – As we head into Act II of the sixth edition of the Funny Money Football League, the playoff picture is suddenly becoming clear. Some familiar faces are leading each of the four divisions, and a handful of other well-known franchises are in the mix right behind them. What’s most interesting to note is that many of the franchises between -$200 and -$600 still have their wild card bets, meaning they can quickly rewrite the playoff chase script with one solid week. Here’s a look back at each franchise’s performance in the first half of the 2012 season.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of The Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Boss Hardigan
Current Total: -$700
Winning Percentage: 0.441
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Boss made a big move in the offseason, merging with hermano Slovy Maximus to create a two-headed franchise. The results have been mixed at best so far, and seem more like the Boss Hardigan of old. On the positive side, he has his wild card bet still available, and the playoffs are only a few good weeks away from being realistic.
Grade: C+
Gordon Bombay
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.619
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Gordon should be happy with his first half performance, especially the last few weeks. There was a time in early October that he could have faded, but he did the exact opposite and just kept winning. As a veteran franchise, Bombay is one that figures to be around for the long haul, and at the very least has a good shot at making the playoffs.
Grade: B+
Karl Farbman
Current Total: $1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.618
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Pittsburgh ($800) – Won
Recap: The two-time defending champion of the East Division got off to a shaky start, but came on strong in October, especially with a big $1,000 sprint in Week 7. Karl’s no stranger to being at the top of the division and having to hold off the pack, but he still hasn’t put together many solid weeks of betting. With most of the division franchises having their wild card bet and Farbman’s long gone, the division race is far from over. But it looks like he’ll contend once again.
Grade: A-
Mr. DeBlasis
Current Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.405
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: In the days of yore, DeBlasis was a force to be reckoned with, and was sneaky good at eking out a few hundred here and there all season long. Then you’d look at the calendar in December and Mister Mister would be right in the playoff hunt. In 2012, he plummeted to the bottom of the standings. Week 8 showed signs of life, but he needs to get moving quickly before this season becomes a lost cause.
Grade: D+
Teddy KGB
Current Total: -$1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.342
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Teddy had the division lead early in the year, but then went south with the rest of the league in late September/early October. The second half of the season isn’t where he shines historically speaking, but anything can happen if he can get hot for a fortnight with a wild card bet on the shelf.
Grade: C-
The 21th Precinct
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.476
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Precinct has gone up and down all season trying to get back on the positive side of $0. Week 8, a $500 win for the 2-1, brought him right back to the cusp of doing so, and suddenly he’s not too far out of the final playoff spot. The next three weeks are crucial, and could be a good spot for him to roll the dice with his wild card bet.
Grade: B-
The Beard of Zeus
Current Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: After a lackluster beginning to the 2012 season, Zeus has been cut loose in the last two weeks, winning $1,000 total. He’s now firmly entrenched in the playoff race and should be able to make a run at the division crown if he can hit on his big bet.
Grade: B
North Division
Bayonnaise
Current Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.476
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The ‘Naise is certainly the most vanilla franchise in the FMFL this season, rarely doing anything other than winning $100 or losing $100. Yet, he’s avoiding what has plagued him in the past: fines and big losses. Something’s going to give one way or another. He’ll either surge toward the division leaders or fall back into the negative numbers.
Grade: B
Kimmy Gibbler
Current Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.375
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Gibbler is having another disappointing season in which she can’t get anything going. If there is one franchise that needs a quick wild card bet win, Kimmy might be the leading candidate. But with a weak winning percentage and not much momentum, it looks like Kimmy is making 2012 another “what could have been” season.
Grade: D+
Larisa Oleynik
Current Total: $1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.588
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: The defending champ of the North, Larisa is back on top at the midway point of the season. She’s had a few small bumps in the road, but a big Week 7 put her back where she ended the 2011 season. The competition looks to be stiffer this year, so Larisa might not be able to coast the final month of the season.
Grade: A-
Ron Mexico
Current Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.471
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: Ron is one franchise that seems to change his course each week. Some weeks, he’s winning $500 when no one else in the league can even register a W. Other weeks, he’s sinking back down toward the middle of the pack. A wild card win has him sitting at +$400, which is not a bad place to be right now, especially with a 0.471 winning percentage in the first half of the year.
Grade: B-
The Phoenix
Current Total: -$1,900
Winning Percentage: 0.357
Fines: $800
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Oh, The Phoenix. Things started off promising, but he fell back into his old ways, especially with no bets in Week 8 and a fine of $600. There’s clearly time for him to get back into the game, but time has told us that The Phoenix will attempt to get out of the league’s cellar, but it probably won’t be more than a blip on the radar screen.
Grade: F
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Current Total: $200
Winning Percentage: 0.568
Fines: $700
Wild Card Bet: Week 8 – NY Giants ($800) – Won
Recap: Waldo has flexed his betting muscles at times during this season, and winning 56% of his bets is a clear sign of that. But not betting in Week 7, and racking up a late bet fine in another week have held him back from being a serious contender thus far. WGF won his wild card bet in Week 8, which positions him well for a playoff push. But at this point, can he keep it together mentally to get through all 17 weeks of the season?
Grade: C+
Yaz
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.605
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Yaz has hinted a few times in the first half of the year that he might fade into the background only to surge back up into the division race. With a solid 0.605 winning percentage, the rest of the North should take notice that he’ll be a threat to the divisional crown when all is said and done this season.
Grade: A-
South Division
Babe
Current Total: -$500
Winning Percentage: 0.421
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 4 – New England ($800) – Won
Recap: Another franchise that was feared at the beginning of the 2012 season has been reduced to somewhat of a laughingstock eight weeks in. Some reports say that Babe hasn’t been able to focus on the Funny Money because he’s been watching Game of Thrones episodes over and over on Sundays instead of watching football. Either way, his wild card bet is gone and only a super-hot streak can get him back into relevancy.
Grade: C-
Don Mattingly
Current Total: $900
Winning Percentage: 0.574
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Don is another two-headed franchise, with the second partner coming on-board in 2011. As it has been noted before, Mattingly was a historical failure until this second mind came into the fold, and from that point on Donnie has been a modest success. He must like his position right now, with a firm grasp on a playoff spot and an outside shot at the division (with a wild card bet still in his pocket). Mattingly came on strong in December last season, and will need to replicate that performance yet again if he wants a shot at a money prize in the regular season.
Grade: A-
Mr. Marbles
Current Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.375
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: An original member of the Funny Money back in 2007, Marbles has always managed to be around the final playoff spot when Christmas rolled around. This season, however, he’s dug himself into a deep hole, and might need to win his wild card bet soon to dig himself out. There is plenty of room for improvement given the 0.375 winning percentage thus far, but the clock is ticking.
Grade: D
Rick Moranis
Current Total: -$1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.286
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Rick’s laissez-faire approach to the league has worked occasionally in the past, but 2012 looks like another season where the breaks aren’t going his way. He’s been hanging around the basement of the South division for a good amount of the season and can only hope that a big wild card win, couple with a few bets on the Chiefs could propel him back into the scene.
Grade: D-
T-Ferg
Current Total: -$500
Winning Percentage: 0.432
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: T-Ferg won his wild card bet in Week 7, but still, much like Babe, hasn’t been able to get over the hump this season. He’s another franchise that we will know a lot more about in the next few weeks, but chances are he’ll be a dark horse to make the playoffs.
Grade: C-
The Notorious A.B.T.
Current Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.391
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: 2012 has been rough on Notorious, as he can’t seem to differentiate himself from the rest of the downtrodden South Division. The A.B.T. has been winning a paltry 39% of his bets, but still has his wild card bet on the shelf. He’ll have to make it count in order to even sniff the playoffs.
Grade: C-
Will Cover
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.700
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: No one has been hotter after eight weeks than will. No fines thus far, hitting on 70% of his bets, and still with his wild card bet available. He has a $600 cushion on the rest of the league and a $1,100 on his division (which right now only has one other true contender). WC picked up where he left off last season, and now he’ll need to repeat his performance in the second half of 2011, when he kept the rest of the South at bay down the stretch.
Grade: A
West Division
Art Schlichter
Current Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.324
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Art showed promised out of the gate this season, but then fell apart as the rest of the league was ravaged by a few tough weeks in early October. On the bright side, he could still turn things around if he comes through with a $1,000 wild card weekend, but the outlook is grim right now. His 0.324 winning percentage is among the worst in the league this season.
Grade: D
Blossom Russo
Current Total: $1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.636
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Blossom is back, as she is the first half leader in the West. She shrugged off a mediocre start to the season, and has been riding a hot hand for the last month. One wonders if she is again purchasing her bets from a sketchy internet site that guarantees “100% winners!” For now, she’s in the hunt for the overall title, and is another FMFL veteran that has been there before.
Grade: A-
Bud Fox
Current Total: -$1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.318
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Sophomore slump? Bud Fox shocked the fake gambling world last year when he rolled to a division title in his debut performance in the Funny Money. 2012 has been a completely different story, with Foxy struggling to put together a winning week. He’ll look to finish a little stronger than he started to at least prove that 2011 wasn’t just a fluke.
Grade: D+
Face
Current Total: $200
Winning Percentage: 0.600
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: There was a decent amount of hype surrounding Face when he joined the FMFL, as many had heard the legend of his betting prowess. When he failed to impress last season, it lit a fire under him going into 2012. He was angry – like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli – and he has channeled that anger into powering though a tough first half to be on the brink of the playoff picture. If he can cut out the fines in the second half, he’ll be someone Blossom should keep her eye down the stretch.
Grade: B
Kenny Powers
Current Total: -$400
Winning Percentage: 0.382
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – Chicago ($800) – Won
Recap: Kenny has made some bold moves so far this season, winning his wild card bet and putting himself into contention at several points during the first half. However, it seems as though each time he makes a move, the next week he takes two steps back. Some have ventured to guess that having his sister, Blossom Russo, as the division leader has been a constant distraction that’s been holding him back.
Grade: C
Kiko Garcia
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.455
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Kiko seems to be just a hair off this year. He’s been in the postseason conversation, but is just missing out on being seen as a true contender. The optimist would say that he’s still one good week away from being a playoff franchise. Garcia’s wild card bet will the turning point of the season – one way or another.
Grade: C+
The People’s Champ
Current Total: -$1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.406
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Champ seems to have gone completely downhill since he witnessed the USA Ryder Cup collapse in September. He mysteriously missed submitting his bets one week, and hasn’t been able to cobble together much of anything in the month of October. Though he still should be feared because he is known for making late season runs, without a wild card bet win, the two-time winner TPC might have to throw in the towel for 2012.
Grade: D+
Don Mattingly’s 2012 Season Preview
(Editor’s note: Before the season begins, we like to get another look at how the 2012 FMFL campaign might unfold. Don Mattingly is given carte blanche to write whatever he wants. The result is below. Enjoy.)
In late 1991, the WWF Championship was upheld due to several controversial finishes between old-time strongman and real American Hulk Hogan and then-newcomer the Undertaker. It was then decided by WWF President Jack Tunney (he was basically the Executive Director of the WWF to put this into perspective) to award the WWF Championship to the winner of the 1992 Royal Rumble. Clearly the stakes were raised, as the top “superstars” vied for the oh, so coveted title. Now twenty years later, it’s clear that the 2012 FMFL season is destined to mirror the 1992 Royal Rumble – a controversial betting strategy (Giants! Giants!! Giants!!!) employed by The People’s Champ to ‘wrestle’ away the 2011 title from long-time stalwart Karl Farbman, leading to an epic battle where anyone can claim the gold! Let’s take a look at each franchise, comparing them to a 1992 Royal Rumble participant, in the order of their elimination.
28. Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase – Babe
Believe me, I was just as shocked as you to be informed that none other than the great Million Dollar Man was the first to go in the Rumble, but alas, sometimes even the greatest competitors, businessmen, and, quite frankly, indentured servant owners have bad days. Similarly, I think that Babe, one of the all-time greats has just spent way too much time bulking up on gyros and worrying about nuptial plans to really be a factor this season. The worst thing is that he doesn’t even own a diamond studded suit.
27. Nikolai Volkoff – Face
Here’s a softball – did anyone really think Nikolai Volkoff was going to win this shebang? Does anyone really think Face has a chance?
26. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine – The 21th Precinct
The 21th Precinct used to strike fear into the hearts of his opponents, just like The Hammer, but at this point, they’re both essentially longshots.
25. Repo Man – Kiko Garcia
Repo Man was once known as Smash – a member of former tag team juggernaut Demolition, however, the man with tire tracks on his leotard known for sneaking around the ring before his matches just, for some odd reason, never caught on with the fans. Kiko Garcia also has a history of being a great tag team of yesteryear but has just never caught on in the ranks of FMFL.
24. The British Bulldog – Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Always sort of stuck in the mid-card, never quite a main eventer – the definition of the British Bulldog and Waldo Geraldo Faldo. It also came out years after his death – he died of a heart attack supposedly brought on by the use of steroids, a rare way to die for a 1980s professional wrestler I’m told – that he used to drug and rape his wife, so you do the math with this pick. No means yes, Waldo…
23. The Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich – Mr. DeBlasis
The Texas Tornado was a notorious drug user who became addicted to pain killers after having his foot amputated in 1986. 1992 was a make or break year for the Tornado, just like I feel 2012 will be a make or break year for Mr. DeBlasis. How did it work out for the Tornado? He ended up killing himself in 1993, a day after being indicted on prescription drug forgery, so…good luck with all that, Mr. D.
22. Tito Santana – The Notorious ABT
A favorite of many wrestling “insiders” for his tireless work ethic and pure wrestling ability, Tito was never really able to hit his ceiling as a title threat and became merely a “jobber to the stars”. ABT, I feel is incredibly similar. Both have the ability and pedigree to challenge for the title, but something just tells me that by the end of his run in the FMFL, he will be looked at more as a favorite amongst FMFL bloggers and stat heads than as a former championship contender.
21. Shawn Michaels – Don Mattingly
The similarities are endless – both are known as moody, immature, prima donnas who are more concerned about looking out for number one than anyone else around them. 1992 began Shawn’s meteoric rise to the top of the WWF, but, alas, the title would not be his at this time. The Donald is clearly a franchise on the rise in FMFL and will most likely go down as the greatest of all time when it’s all said and done, but I just don’t see 2012 as his year.
20. The Barbarian – Kimmy Gibbler
19. Hercules – Teddy KGB
Both known more for their bark than their bite, the Barbarian and Hercules could just never gain much momentum in the WWF and eventually faded into wrestling obscurity, known mainly by 90s wrestling nerds and, well…I guess that’s about it. Unfortunately, I see Kimmy Gibbler and Tedd KGB both suffering similar fates in the FMFL.
18. The Big Boss Man – Ron Mexico
This man of the law was just always teetering on the brink of a huge run, but was always too busy fending off the likes of heated rival The Mountie to really make anything of himself. Finishing seventh last season, Ron Mexico similarly always seems to be one lucky push away from superstardom, but instead will be relegated to the outside looking in.
17. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – Beard of Zeus
Just like the Superfly, the Beard’s best days are clearly behind him at this point. Sure, there was once a time when opponents shook in fear at the mere thought of stepping into the squared circle against such a titan, but he’s now merely a shell of his former self. Don’t get me wrong, fans will still clamor for The Beard much like they did for Superfly, but will he be champion? Give me a break, my man.
16. Jake “The Snake” Roberts – Gordon Bombay
Once one of the most successful franchises in FMFL, Gord’s golden days are definitely long gone. Much like Jake, Gord was once known for striking fear into his FMFL opponents with mind games and fear mongering opposing franchises about the Patriots inability to cover huge spreads. Do I see Gord’s decline going as far as Jake’s? In other words, will he develop a serious alcohol and crack problem, leading to a downward spiral of deceit, weight gain, and an incident where he exposes his real “snake” to a crowd of shocked “fans” at a wrestling show in a high school gym? In the words of one of my favorite 90s albums…”Definitely, maybe”.
15. Colonel Mustafa – Kenny Powers
The Iron Sheik left the WWF in the late 80s, only to return, rebranded as Iraqi sympathizer Colonel Mustafa in a less than memorable run. In a similar vein, Kenny Powers returns to the FMFL after a year away from the game. Unfortunately for Kenny, I’m predicting a similar failure upon his return.
14. The Undertaker – The People’s Champ
The seemingly devastating, monstrous former champ dumped out of the Rumble mid-way through. How could this happen? Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains. The People’s Champ got hot at the right time last season, and rode that momentum to his second FMFL title in 2011. Much like the Taker, I feel like the People’s Champ will go down as one of the most storied franchises in FMFL history, I just don’t see 2012 as his year.
13. The Berzerker – Bud Fox
A promising newcomer, the Berzerker had a good run at the Rumble, but was anyone really nervous that a dude dressed like a Norseman would take home the title? Bud Fox has had a similar rise to the top of the FMFL, but I just don’t see him as a real threat at the end of the day.
12. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan – Mr. Marbles
A huge crowd favorite, Hacksaw always came to the ring with a vengeance and a two by four, but was always left playing second fiddle to the Hulkster and the Ultimate Warrior in terms of being “the guy”. Senor Marbles (I believe it’s actually pronounced mar-blace), despite being the third most successful franchise in FMFL history can never quite surpass his counterparts, Karl or Larisa.
11. Virgil – Rick Moranis
One thing that wrestling historians seem to casually glance over when discussing the Golden Era of the 80s, is that it was not frowned upon for one wrestler to essentially own another wrestler. In 1991, Virgil finally, for lack of a better phrase, broke free from the chains of the Million Dollar Man and went on a strong run. However, by the time 1992 rolled around, fans just wised up and realized that they couldn’t take this clown seriously anymore. Like Virgil, I expect Rick to make his annual run, but in the end, he’ll just be left sitting lonely at baseball card shows, trying to creepily hawk autographed polaroids of himself at Freehold RACEWAY Mall.
10. Skinner – The Phoenix
The consummate dark horse lackey who just hangs on long enough to give the real stars a scare.
9. Sgt. Slaughter – Will Cover
The Sarge had a monstrous 1991, stunning many fans by turning against the US of A, aligning himself with Saddam Hussein, and taking the title from the Ultimate Warrior, proving once and for all that wrestling and politics DO mix. A year later, though, the Sarge was just as washed up as ever. Will Cover stunned many in FMF circles by taking his division’s crown last season. Like the Sarge, I predict a fall back to earth for this veteran.
8. Irwin R. Shyster (IRS) – Boss Hardigan
What’s more intimidating than a wrestling accountant? Surely not a pair of FMFL brothers pairing up to take on the top stars of the FMFL world. Like IRS, Boss Hardigan will enjoy his moments in the sun, but he’ll always just be fodder for the big boys.
7. The Warlord – Bayonnaise
There was no reason for the roided up freak known as the Warlord to be this close to a WWF title, just like there’s no reason for FMF fitness enthusiast Bayonnaise to be this close to a FMFL title.
6. Rick “The Model” Martel – T-Ferg
Much like T-Ferg, the Model was a savvy veteran known for his arrogance, incredibly handsome demeanor, and way with the lady folk. Also, much like T-Ferg, the Model routinely fell victim to his own miscues and could never quite muster up a legit run at the top.
Now we’re starting to get into the nitty gritty..the guys that actually have a shot at taking home the prize…
5. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper – Blossom Russo
Piper resurrected his career in 1992, even obtaining the WWF’s second rate title – the Intercontinental Championship, but much like many of the other jokers we’ve seen, could never get over the hump. Blossom Russo has just been so close to the promised land in the FMFL on a number of occasions but has never been able to take that next step – 2012 should be no different.
4. Randy “Macho Man” Savage – Art Schlichter
Macho Man’s and Art’s best days were definitely in the late 80s. They also share similarly creepy bromances with Hulk Hogan/Karl Farbman. After several years of toiling around, Macho Man burst back onto the scene in 1992 with a strong showing at the Rumble. Despite not winning the title that night, his career did go on to have a strong second life. Art, similarly, enjoyed years of success before meandering in relative obscurity in the FMFL the last few seasons. I predict Art will get his act together and pose a serious threat to the top franchises of FMF in 2012.
3. Hulk Hogan – Karl Farbman
2. Sid Justice – Yaz
1. Ric Flair – Larisa Oleynik
Then there were three. In the actual match, seemingly insurmountable odds for Ric as both the Hulkster and Sid gang up on the Nature Boy, but wait…Sid suddenly turns on the Hulkster and tosses him out of the Rumble. Then as Sid mouths off at Hogan, who’s now outside of the ring, Ric sneaks behind him and tosses him out to claim the title, yet another notch in the belt of the former champion.
How do I see this going down? Some sort of weird truce between FMFL favorites Farbman and Yaz to bet similarly on the Super Bowl, thus keeping former FMFL champion Larisa out of the money. But wait! Yaz turns on Karl and goes against the truce, and Larisa takes home the title over Yaz via tie breaker – karmic retribution. However, unlike Ric Flair, I hope to never see a phone camera photo of Larisa’s dong 15 years after this battle. Actually, yes, yes I do…WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: In past seasons, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, has done us the honor of previewing the league. This year, he goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Hello and welcome back. It has been seven months since the last meaningful NFL game was played. I hope you have used these many months off to listen to something you find enjoyable, like a piano concerto, the crickets chirping in your backyard, or a modern pop song containing the obligatory little rap verse. Now that the NFL is back, however, this is what you’ll be listening to as you follow your wagers this fall:
“This team has been absolutely decimated by injuries.”
“He took off around the edged and scampered in for a touchdown.”
“He’s a real football player.”
Let’s set the record straight: Roman armies “decimated” their vanquished rivals, it is a young deer that “scampers” spritely through the woods, and the last time I checked robots have yet to replace men on the gridiron. OK? Good. Just don’t tell Dan Dierdorf or Ron Jaworski. They’ll stare at you while primping their mustaches before pounding you with their microphone props, all while Jon Gruden watches. These guys! These guys are real commentators!
In their dubious honor, here are the team-by-team odds for winning the 2012 Funny Money Football Regular Season as they’d be proclaimed by a football commentator, watching football players play football, on the football field, in the National Foot…::HITS MUTE BUTTON::
EAST DIVISION
“The most heated rivalries are in the East. Games in other divisions seem like friendly encounters between good-natured sports compared to the ones in the East. Why? Because those teams don’t play in the East division where the rivalries are fierce!”
Karl Farbman
“Every year, this guy is just near the top. You talk about parity in the Funny Money Football League. Dynasties. You gotta hand it to this front office. Good division drafts, good game-day betting plans. This is what winning division titles is all about. Commitment to character. Special teams.”
Odds: 7 to 2
Boss Hardigan
“This guy hired his brother as ‘Betting Coordinator’ for this season. Smart move. Their father has been grooming them for the wagering lifestyle ever since breaking down pick-making film with them in North Jersey during the late 80’s.”
Odds: 12 to 1
Gordon Bombay
“He reminds me of Chad Johnson-Ochocinco-Johnson. He used to go by ‘Gordan’, ‘Gor-Dan’, and now he’s ‘Gordon’. Whatever he’s going to call himself next week, he can bet.”
Odds: 10 to 1
Mr. DeBlasis
“He was a teacher, DeBlasis was, before getting into funny money betting. Not many guys make that leap. I think that’s why he’s had a reputation as a ‘player’s bettor.’ Only one playoff berth, though, so ownership is demanding more accountability this year in place of a locker room harmony.”
Odds: 20 to 1
Teddy KGB
“Teddy KGB, talk about a guy that’s regressed. Playoffs his first year, hasn’t sniffed them since. Ownership is blaming an outdated stadium and lack of resources, but what matters is what you do on any given Sunday, as well as Thursday, Saturday, Monday, and this season, Wednesday.”
Odds: 1,000 to 1
The 21th Precinct
“The 21th Precinct needs to report some positive money statistics this year. A balanced attack keeps defenses on their toes. More wins than loses puts pressure on your divisional opponents. Fellas, it’s about making plays.”
Odds: 30 to 1
The Beard of Zeus
“He just looks like a football player. This is because he has a beard. He was born to RUN THE FOOTBALL in the North, but he is playing in the East.”
Odds: 8 to 1
NORTH DIVISION
“Teams in the North just LOVE to RUN THE FOOTBALL! Because it’s so cold! This stat sheet here says each team averages 50 passing attempts per game, and half the games are played in domes, but these teams just LOVE TO RUN THE FOOTBALL!”
Larissa Oleynik
“He, or she, or it, whatever, this thing won the regular season last year, so going by the standard, thoughtless, perfunctory pre-season prediction formula we all use, this means Larissa will win the regular season again this year.”
Odds: 5 to 2
Bayonnaise
“This guy is an athlete. Great time in the 5K and good in the pool and on the bike. But he needs to bulk up his betting skills! I saw him putting up more reps in Vegas during the offseason. He’s got a shot to be a player in this league.”
Odds: 18 to 1
Kimmy Gibbler
“Kimmy Gibbler. Had everyone excited back in 2008 with the franchise’s first playoff berth. You know Kimmy still has a winning record despite only one playoff berth? This league, you’ve got to have more than a winning record to succeed. You’ve got to have a really good winning record for success in the FMFL.”
Odds: 8 to 1
Ron Mexico
“The National Football League has been playing games in London, Tokyo, Toronto and Mexico. Globalization is the big thing today. And tomorrow, with expansion. The Funny Money Football League has got this guy, Ron Mexico, and he’s got literal expansion written all over him. Second place last year! Don’t get in his way at the buffet line.”
Odds: 7 to 1
The Phoenix
“I’ve read some Greek mythology, phoenix rising, Homer. Achilles today would be a linebacker! His heel, ha, his Achilles Heel though is making bets! Good thing he’s got Helen of Troy. She’s going to be on ‘Dancing With the Stars of Antiquity’ tonight following football and 60 Minutes, except on the west coast.”
Odds: 100 to 1
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
“Made a strong push near the end but faded at the finish line last year. You’ve gotta give it your all for 17 weeks in the Funny Money Football League. Guys just want to get nasty and take things from you. Happened in 2009, too. He’ll be OK though, this guy, because he’s been through the battles.”
Odds: 15 to 1
Yaz
“What a veteran. You know, you can’t teach how to be a veteran. He didn’t perform well last year, but because he’s a veteran I still think you’ve gotta like this guy. He just has so much fun being a kid out there slinging guns.”
Odds: 4 to 1
SOUTH DIVISION
“People love football in the South, but only college, particularly the SEC. These teams in the South may be good, wait until they have to go on the road in the North and play in the cold. Those North teams will just RUN THE FOOTBALL all over them!”
Will Cover
“Rough rookie year, added that sophomore swagger and SURGED into the playoffs. I’m really excited about what’s in store for this third year. I just love the number three, my number in college. Man, look at all that hair I had!”
Odds: 5 to 1
Babe
“I think he’s going to have a good season. On Thanksgiving, this guy is my pick to win the Turkey Gyroducken award, which is a duck and chicken gyro, made with turkey.”
Odds: 10 to 1
Don Mattingly
“Don Mattingly, this guy actually became two guys last year, and last year had a pretty good year. For this year, I see these twos guys having a pretty good year. I hear for this year got some old WD-40 for The Machine, this year.”
Odds: 12 to 1
Mr Marbles
“Good thing Mr. Marbles still has all his marbles after that hit he took last year. POW! He’ll shake it off, because he’s tough. He’s got dirt on his shirt and tie!”
Odds: 15 to 1
Rick Moranis
“So I said to her, ‘Honey, this guy shrunk his winnings account!’ But in all seriousness, betting on the Canadian Football League isn’t the same as betting on the National Football League as part of the Funny Money Football League.”
Odds: 10,000 to 1
T-Ferg
“In high school, as quarterback, I drove a T-Bird around town. I had a coach sit me down, look me in the eye and say, ‘It’s not about what you drive, but how you play.’ I still remember those words T-Ferg has got to realize that in this league, to get that ring, it’s about how you bet.”
Odds: 20 to 1
The Notorious A.B.T.
“I’ll tell ya what. He was just born to be a betting coach. Average talent, doesn’t get himself onto the leaderboard very much, but he’s smart, no frills, and just sees the game really well. I’d interview him in five years, that’s for sure.”
Odds: 40 to 1
WEST DIVISION
“These teams would all go 5-11 in the East, because they are just not used to real rivalries.”
Bud Fox
“Every league has got to have someone really cocky. This guy, this guy came into league with a lot of talk and made the playoffs. Let me tell you something, the Funny Money Football League playoffs are a different beast. Men and boys, separating. I’ll tell ya, big rookie learning experience. This guy is now really humble. Team player, locker room, charity outings. I like where they’re going.”
Odds: 8 to 1
Art Schlichter
“Now here’s a guy that really knows how to plan the most important event of any week, hands-down: the tailgate. Great koozies, too. But while perfecting his chili recipe, he’s forgotten how to place good bets.”
Odds: 15 to 1
Blossom Russo
“Russo is one of the originals. Great early years, lost some pieces and had a horrible year in 2010. Quietly rebuilt things in 2011 to make the playoffs, but was probably a year away. The fan base is now reenergized. Just look at those guys! Standing out there in the freezing weather without shirts on. That’s what this betting league is all about right there.
Odds: 8 to 1
Face
“I just love his nickname. Face. Say that again. Man, just sounds like he wants to get in there and push some guys off the line.”
Odds: 20 to 1
Kenny Powers
“Kenny Powers. Let me tell you something about Kenny Powers. He played in the league for a few years, average, left and then came back with an expansion franchise. Reminds me a lot of the Cleveland Browns. Otto Graham played in Cleveland, and he was a football player.”
Odds: 25 to 1
Kiko Garcia
“Big first year for Kiko. Came crashing back down to earth last year. You know what that tells me? His true colors are probably somewhere in the middle. In the Funny Money Football League, the middle is always open.”
Odds: 12 to 1
The People’s Champ
“All you’ve got to do to win the Funny Money Football Leauge is get into the playoffs of the Funny Money Football League. Just ask this guy. He’ll tell you all about it. Twice.”
Odds: 3 to 1
Welcome (back) Kenny Powers
There is only one expansion franchise this season. Sort of. Kenny Powers took a hiatus in 2011, and is now back in the Funny Money mix. Kenny has a less than stellar career resume, which can be found here, but he vows to improve in 2012.
Reportedly, Kenny took some time off, vacationed in Tibet, and did some soul searching. After finding himself on his trip, he came back to The Executive Director like the prodigal son, with his hat in his hands, asking for forgiveness.
Well, Kenny, we have killed the fatted calf and welcome you back to the FMFL. Good luck in the 2012 campaign.
Welcome to 2012 from The People’s Champ
(Editor’s note: The 2011 winner, The People’s Champ, has graciously contributed some wisdom as we kick off the 2012 season. His message is below.)
Gentlemen,
As the 2011 FMFL champion it is my honor to welcome you to the 2012 FMFL season. I’ve seen this league grow from the early days of 2007 when The Executive Director calculated the scores manually (and most of the time correctly) to the current iteration of the FMFL with a website, power rankings, and various weekly commentaries. Throughout all the change though there has been one constant: the dominance of The People’s Champion. As the league’s most successful franchise and it’s only two-time champion, it’s my duty to share some of my wisdom to kickoff the 2012 season. Without further ado here are three simple tips to improve your 2012 season:
- Avoid fines- fines will kill you. Any franchise with a history of receiving fines must seek out Bayonnaise and understand what mysterious force he used to go from the most-fined franchise in the FMFL to a perfect record last year.
- Always get submit your picks after The Executive Director has emailed his picks in. Otherwise he will analyze your picks and adjust his accordingly. (Ed. Note: This statement is the opinion of The People’s Champ, who consistently has been unable to defeat Karl Farbman in any of their regular season side-bets.)
- Most importantly, always, without-fail bet on the New York Giants. They will lead you to the promised land.
Let the 2012 FMFL season begin. Good luck and Godspeed.
-TPC
2012 Divisions
East
Karl Farbman
Boss Hardigan
Gordon Bombay
Mr. DeBlasis
Teddy KGB
The 21th Precinct
The Beard of Zeus
North
Larisa Oleynik
Bayonnaise
Kimmy Gibbler
Ron Mexico
The Phoenix
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Yaz
South
Will Cover
Babe
Don Mattingly
Mr. Marbles
Rick Moranis
T-Ferg
The Notorious A.B.T.
West
Bud Fox
Art Schlichter
Blossom Russo
Face
Kenny Powers
Kiko Garcia
The People’s Champ
2012 Divisional Draft Chat
The following is a transcript from the FMFL Divisional Draft, which took place on August 26.
The Executive Director: Welcome to the 2012 FMFL Divisional Draft – Larisa is up
Larisa Oleynik: The Phoenix
The Executive Director: Solid pick – number one on a lot of draft boards
The Executive Director: Karl is up
Karl Farbman: I’ll take Teddy KGB
Karl Farbman: Not a closer
The Executive Director: Bud, you’re up
Bud Fox: Face
Will Cover: Does face get a seniors discount on league dues?
The Executive Director: Ha he should
The Executive Director: Will you’re up with two picks
Will Cover: I’ll take the ABT and Rick M
The Executive Director: Nice – back to you Bud
Bud Fox: Kenny Powers
The Executive Director: Back to Karl
Karl Farbman: I’ll take The 21th Precinct
The Executive Director: Larisa over to you for two picks
Larisa Oleynik: Give me the girl next door, Ms. Kimmy Gibbler
The Executive Director: Excellent
The Executive Director: and for your other pick?
Larisa Oleynik: And for my main course, slather me up with some Bayonnaise
Will Cover: Gross
The Executive Director: A delicious choice. Karl, back over to you
Karl Farbman: I’ll take the two brothers who couldn’t hack it with their own franchises, so they were forced to team up – Boss Hardigan
The Executive Director: Boss is off the board – back to you Bud
Bud Fox: We’ll take another two-headed team – Kiko
The Executive Director: Over to Will for two picks
Will Cover: T-Ferg and the Don
The Executive Director: T-Ferg and Don Mattingly off the board
The Executive Director: Back to Bud
Bud Fox: Art Schlichter
The Executive Director: Karl – you’re up
Karl Farbman: I’ll pick the best looking guy in Funny Money – Mr. DeBlasis
The Executive Director: Creepy. Larisa with two picks
Larisa Oleynik: Waldo Geraldo Faldo, naturally
The Executive Director: Naturally
The Executive Director: And with your other pick?
Larisa Oleynik: Ron Mexico, mr. international
The Executive Director: Excellente
Larisa Oleynik: LETS HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME, DALE!!!!
The Executive Director: Karl back to you
Karl Farbman: I’ll take the guy with the most facial hair in Funny Money – the Beard of Zeus
Will Cover: Don’t challenge him to a beard off
The Executive Director: Bud over to you
Bud Fox: People’s Champ
The Executive Director: Nice – the defending champion
Bud Fox: Don’t need him getting a big head by being last pick…
The Executive Director: Will over to you for your final two picks of the draft
Will Cover: Let’s make it three years in a row, give me some Marbles
The Executive Director: And for your final selection?
Will Cover: Babe
The Executive Director: Bud, your final pick?
Bud Fox: Blossom…everyone loves her
Larisa Oleynik: DAMMIT
The Executive Director: Karl – two franchises remain, who ya got?
Karl Farbman: I’ll take the Minnesota Miracle Man – Gordon Bombay
The Executive Director: Larisa – that leaves you with Yaz
Will Cover: nice
The Executive Director: Thanks for participating – any parting words as we head into the 2012 season?
Larisa Oleynik: Now you’re all in big, big trouble
Will Cover: Browns, Super Bowl! Naturally.
Karl Farbman: I must break you. All of you.
Bud Fox: Game on!
Welcome to the 2012 FMFL Season
Gentlemen – Welcome to the sixth season of the Funny Money Football League.
The Divisional Draft will be held on Sunday, August 26, and the results will be posted shortly after. More to come next week.
