The Postseason Report
Gentlemen – Another regular season is in the books, and luckily the second half of the season was much kinder to the FMFL than the first half. Eight of the nine playoff franchises finished the season above $0, and a few franchises surged in the last month of the season. Here’s a look at how each franchises performed in 2013.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Blossom Russo
Total: -$3,600
Winning Percentage: 0.346
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – New England – Lost
Recap: A very disappointing season for Blossom, who was once one of the more feared franchises in the FMFL. She fell behind early in the season and just couldn’t put together winning weeks this year.
Grade: D-
Bud Fox
Total: -$1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.471
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – New Orleans – Lost
Recap: Bud tailed off in the second half of the season, beginning with his wild card loss, and couldn’t quite recover enough to make a playoff run in December.
Grade: C
Gordon Bombay
Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.487
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 14 – Kansas City – Won
Recap: Gordon made a huge run after Thanksgiving to make the playoffs, though he might view the regular season as a missed opportunity, since he had the lead in the division with two weeks to go.
Grade: B+
Karl Farbman
Total: $300
Winning Percentage: 0.579
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Green Bay – Lost
Recap: Karl was in a bad place earlier this year, but then had an amazing run to win the East and return to the playoffs.
Grade: A-
Larisa Oleynik
Total: -$2,500
Winning Percentage: 0.371
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – Detroit – Lost
Recap: Rumor is that there was dissention among the ranks for Larisa this year. She had some rough weeks in late October and the stumbled to the finish line, which was very uncharacteristic for one of the FMFL’s more decorated franchises.
Grade: D
Ron Mexico
Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.422
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 10 – Philadelphia – Won
Recap: Several times this year, Ron was on the brink of breaking away from the division, but it never seemed to work out. He was another East franchise that had the division lead in December, yet faltered the last three weeks.
Grade: C+
Yaz
Total: -$2,400
Winning Percentage: 0.397
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Week 2 – Indianapolis – Lost
Recap: There were signs of life from Yaz after a brutal start to the season, but a December slump left him out of the postseason this year.
Grade: D+
North Division
Art Schlichter
Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.438
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 8 – Green Bay – Won
Recap: Art just barely missed the postseason after being in decent position for most of the year. He was a mere win or two away from the playoffs.
Grade: C
Bayonnaise
Total: $300
Winning Percentage: 0.567
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: For the second straight year, Bayonnaise won his division. The defending champ didn’t even need to use his wild card bet. Though he never truly challenged for the overall title, he consistently grinded out positive money throughout the year.
Grade: A-
Boss Hardigan
Total: -$3,200
Winning Percentage: 0.333
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Baltimore – Lost
Recap: 2013 was not kind to the Boss, whose winning percentage was amongst the worst in the league. He had a brief hot streak, but couldn’t maintain when it came down to it.
Grade: D-
Don Mattingly
Total: -$2,400
Winning Percentage: 0.375
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 10 – San Francisco – Lost
Recap: Don was another franchise that couldn’t overcome a crippling start to the season. He did his best to become relevant again, but after the San Fran wild card loss, that was all she wrote.
Grade: C
Mr. Marbles
Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.415
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – Philadelphia – Won
Recap: Marbles had a solid December, and just missed out on making the playoffs, despite having a weak winning percentage all season long.
Grade: B-
The Big Hurt
Total: -$3,800
Winning Percentage: 0.359
Fines: $300
Wild Card Bet: Week 10 – Dallas – Lost
Recap: The second half of the season seemed to wear down the rookie Big Hurt, who repeatedly bet against Drew Brees at home and paid for it. Next season is a clean slate.
Grade: D-
The Phoenix
Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.468
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 6 – Dallas – Won
Recap: What a year for The Phoenix. He just missed out on winning the North title, and will go to the playoffs for the first time in his six year Funny Money career.
Grade: A-
South Division
Babe
Total: -$4,000
Winning Percentage: 0.329
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: For a few weeks, Babe was threatening to break the record for worst season in FMFL history. He did enough to avoid infamy, but 2013 was a complete failure for Babe, as far as Funny Money goes.
Grade: F
Kiko Garcia
Total: $200
Winning Percentage: 0.560
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: Kiko will be in the playoffs again this year, and his final total doesn’t tell the story. He was the only franchise challenging for the overall title down the stretch, but just couldn’t get the job done.
Grade: A-
Kimmy Gibbler
Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.628
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: At the midpoint of the season, Kimmy was -$900 and had just lost her wild card bet. She was nearly flawless in the second half, and ran away with the division and overall title, only having to hold off the aforementioned Kiko in the final week.
Grade: A
Rick Moranis
Total: -$700
Winning Percentage: 0.511
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Indianapolis – Push
Recap: A wild December run and a perfect Week 17 gave Rick the final playoff spot by the slimmest of margins. He has prior postseason experience, and has a lot of momentum heading into January.
Grade: B
The 21th Precinct
Total: -$2,700
Winning Percentage: 0.344
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: Each week, The Precinct was close to winning some cash, but something would go wrong, a call wouldn’t go his way, and he’d miss an opportunity. All in all, 2013 was rough for The 2-1.
Grade: D+
The Notorious A.B.T.
Total: -$3,300
Winning Percentage: 0.321
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Arizona – Lost
Recap: The Notorious ABT struggled to put together two or three winners each week, which is apparent when you take a look at his winning percentage. Another year of futility for the A.B.T.
Grade: D
Will Cover
Total: $200
Winning Percentage: 0.511
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: Much like Bayonnaise, Will consistently won money throughout the season, and weathered the ups and downs to roll into the playoffs. He has quietly been one of the best franchises the last few seasons, and should be considered a favorite in the playoffs.
Grade: B+
West Division
Face
Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.455
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 6 – Minnesota – Lost
Recap: Face made a mini-comeback in the second half of the year, but was never a true contender in the West this season.
Grade: B-
Kenny Powers
Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.487
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – NY Giants – Lost
Recap: Kenny nearly made a miraculous comeback this season after starting out so poorly. He had a chance to sneak into the playoffs in Week 17, but the chips didn’t fall his way. He has some positive momentum heading into next year.
Grade: B-
T-Ferg
Total: -$4,200
Winning Percentage: 0.379
Fines: $2,400
Wild Card Bet: Week 10 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: Fell victim to the Chris B. Corey rule with four weeks to go when he still had a chance. This grade is easy.
Grade: F
Teddy KGB
Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.538
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Kansas City – Won
Recap: A huge year for Teddy, who won the West in a runaway. He turned the corner in Week 9 and never looked back. It’s his first playoff appearance since 2007.
Grade: A
The Beard of Zeus
Total: -$3,400
Winning Percentage: 0.364
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 15 – New Orleans – Lost
Recap: The Beard looked like an elite franchise coming into the season, but 2013 was a failure for him, with the final nail in the coffin being a Week 15 wild card bet loss.
Grade: D-
The People’s Champ
Total: -$2,300
Winning Percentage: 0.389
Fines: $1,200
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – NY Giants – Won
Recap: The Champ didn’t seem to have his head in the game this year. Take away his fines and he would have been in the thick of the things down the stretch.
Grade: C-
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Total: -$2,700
Winning Percentage: 0.352
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – NY Giants – Won
Recap: Waldo missed bets one week, and also plummeted in December. Earlier in the year, he looked like a contender, but dropped in the standings as the year wore on.
Grade: D+
Winning Percentages
Through Week 16 results
Winning Percentages
Winning percentages through Week 14:
The Midseason Report
Gentlemen – By far, the first half of this season has been the worst in the seven years of the Funny Money Football League. We are a collective -$37,100. Think about that. Judging by our futility, Vegas must be cleaning up this year. The pain has been felt across the board, and most of the wild card bets placed in the first half were losses. Usually, the final playoff spots are around $1,000. With the way things are going this year, the last spot in could be around -$1,000. The Midseason Report isn’t a positive one. A select few received above average marks. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Blossom Russo
Current Total: -$2,200
Winning Percentage: 0.325
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – New England – Lost
Recap: Blossom started off the year fairly well, hovering around even money in the first few weeks. Then she went for it all in Week 5 and the Pats lost, and Blossom never fully recovered. She’s been on a losing skid ever since.
Grade: D+
Bud Fox
Current Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.522
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Bud is one of only a few franchises with a winning percentage over .500 in the first half, yet money management, which is Bud’s claim to fame during the daytime, has been what has kept Fox from excelling. He’s leading the woeful East right now and the division is his if he can take it.
Grade: C
Gordon Bombay
Current Total: -$1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.333
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: All things considered, Gordon isn’t doing too bad. He’s still in the divisional race, despite only having one winning week in the first half. His wild card bet is still on the shelf, but needs to get on a roll.
Grade: C-
Karl Farbman
Current Total: -$2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.344
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Green Bay – Lost
Recap: It was all downhill for Karl after a big loss on his wild card bet early. He had a lone bright spot in Week 8 winning $500, but that was after he registered three weeks without a win in the first eight.
Grade: D
Larisa Oleynik
Current Total: -$1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.313
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Larisa was one of the franchises that made the East Division look so scary on paper at the beginning of the year. She’s had nothing but a stellar career track record. However, her first half performance was lackluster, even after winning $500 in Week 1. She has five winless weeks thus far.
Grade: D+
Ron Mexico
Current Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.429
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Up and down for Ron in the first half. He was perfect in Week 1, but then failed to bet in Week 2. Since then he has either won both his bets or lost both his bets each week. Unfortunately there have been more weeks like the latter than the former. That being said, he was in first place in the division just one week ago.
Grade: C-
Yaz
Current Total: -$2,300
Winning Percentage: 0.281
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Week 2 – Indianapolis – Lost
Recap: Egad. Yaz was down $1,500 after two weeks and hasn’t been able to fight back. Throw in two “old man lost track of the time” fines and he’s in an unfamiliar spot – the cellar of the Funny Money. He only has four correct picks all year.
Grade: F
North Division
Art Schlichter
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 8 – Green Bay – Won
Recap: Art could very well be leading the entire league right now, but now bets in Week 2 were his downfall thus far. He won his wild card bet and shot up the standings, and if he could grind out some money in the second half, he has a great chance at winning the North.
Grade: B-
Bayonnaise
Current Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.523
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Proving that last year was no fluke, Bayonnaise has remained right around even money as the rest of the league has fallen farther and farther behind. He still has his wild card bet, and just needs to navigate the next few weeks to be in the catbird’s seat in December.
Grade: B
Boss Hardigan
Current Total: -$2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.235
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Oh, the humanity. The Boss went three weeks and seven picks before registering his first win in 2013. However, he does seem to be heading in the right direction, as Weeks 7 and 8 were his first two winning weeks of the year, notching $100 each week.
Grade: D-
Don Mattingly
Current Total: -$2,400
Winning Percentage: 0.238
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: By just looking at Don’s bets from the first half, you would think his 2013 performance is some sort of elaborate practical joke. In Week 8, the Donald won $100. That was his only winning week this season.
Grade: F
Mr. Marbles
Current Total: -$2,200
Winning Percentage: 0.250
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The profile for Marbles is similar to Don Mattingly’s resume. Very few wins, and only one winning week. He still has his wild card bet, but time’s a wasting.
Grade: D-
The Big Hurt
Current Total: -$1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.326
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: For a rookie, The Big Hurt didn’t fare too badly when compared to the rest of the league. The last few weeks have been rough, with TBH only picking two of his last ten games correctly. But he’s not out of it.
Grade: C+
The Phoenix
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.405
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 6 – Dallas – Won
Recap: The Phoenix has been one of the pleasant surprises of the first half of the 2013 campaign. It figures that in a year that has been topsy-turvy that the FMFL’s worst all-time franchise is right in the thick of things.
Grade: B-
South Division
Babe
Current Total: -$2,700
Winning Percentage: 0.265
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: Babe has learned one thing in the 2013 season: do not get married during the Funny Money season. Aside from winning $500 Week 5, the rest of the year has been a miserable failure for Babe. He needs to get his priorities straight.
Grade: F
Kiko Garcia
Current Total: -$500
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Kiko has weathered many a storm so far, and hasn’t experienced the hemorrhaging that the rest of the league has gone through. In fact, his current total is the lowest he’s been all season. Kiko’s definitely a franchise to fear in the second half.
Grade: C+
Kimmy Gibbler
Current Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.472
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: Everything was going well for Kimmy up until Week 6. She was on top of the league and looking to break away, but then lost $500 in Week 6 and $1,000 in Week 7. She definitely still has a chance, but missed a golden opportunity in the last few weeks.
Grade: C-
Rick Moranis
Current Total: -$1,600
Winning Percentage: 0.409
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Rick has bet plenty of games these first eight weeks, as Rick tends to do, but seems to lose his bigger bets each week while winning the miniscule ones. In Funny Money Football, size matters.
Grade: D+
The 21th Precinct
Current Total: -$2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.327
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Precinct has only registered four wins this year so far, and lost $500 each of the last two weeks. A miraculous wild card bet could get him back in it. He might want to employ the George Costanza theory and bet the opposite of what he’s thinking for the rest of the year.
Grade: D-
The Notorious A.B.T.
Current Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.295
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: A.B.T. should consider himself lucky that he’s not too far behind, given his winning percentage. In Week 1, he bet four games and lost them all. But he has been hanging around, lying in the weeds.
Grade: C-
Will Cover
Current Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.553
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Finally, the South has something to be proud of. Will dropped to as low as -$1,100 earlier in the season, but has fought his way back, winning $500 three of the last four weeks. He’s the clubhouse leader and might just want to bet five teams each week from here on out.
Grade: B+
West Division
Face
Current Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.458
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 6 – Minnesota – Lost
Recap: Face was right around even money for most of the season, until losing his wild card on the Vikings in Week 6 (proving that the “death game” theory does not apply to illegitimate children ). His winning percentage is somewhat strong, and Face is known for his late season surges.
Grade: C+
Kenny Powers
Current Total: -$2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.361
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – NY Giants – Lost
Recap: After losing his wild card bet early in the year, Kenny has failed to gain any momentum, though he has been able to win a few games here and there recently.
Grade: D
T-Ferg
Current Total: -$1,600
Winning Percentage: 0.283
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: T-Ferg started the year betting a lot of games each week. In Week 1, he lost all four of his bets. In Week 2, he lost two of three. In Week 3, he lost three and pushed on one. Since then, he has bet less games, but the results have been the same. He still has his wild card bet, so there’s hope.
Grade: C-
Teddy KGB
Current Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.382
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Teddy has had some highs and lows this year. He’s had one perfect week and two weeks losing $500. Everything else has been somewhere in between, which is great when compared to everyone else. KGB has wilted in the second half historically, but the door is open for a playoff run.
Grade: B-
The Beard of Zeus
Current Total: -$1,900
Winning Percentage: 0.306
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The first half was a struggle for The Beard, another franchise that had high hopes coming into the year. He might be one franchise that pulls the trigger on his wild card bet sooner rather than later.
Grade: D-
The People’s Champ
Current Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.341
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: As the Giants go, so goes The Champ. He struggled the first five weeks or so, but has shown signs of life lately. You can never count out a former champion, and he still has the West Division leaders in his sights.
Grade: C+
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Current Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.375
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – NY Giants – Won
Recap: Waldo seemed like he was in the perfect spot after winning his Week 7 wild card bet, but then he lost $500 in Week 8. Yet, he still leads the West, and if he can avoid big losses in the second half, he’s got a great shot at the postseason.
Grade: B-
Welcome to 2013 from Bayonnaise
(Editor’s note: The 2012 winner, Bayonnaise, has graciously contributed some wisdom as we kick off the 2013 season. His message is below.)
I’d like to start by wishing a happy 30th birthday to our very own Rick Moranis…he just keeps getting younger and younger…I just don’t know how he pulls it off.
Gentlemen of Funny Money – as we approach Labor Day and the official end of summer, the days grow shorter and perhaps a bit cooler, delicious fall-edition beers beckon to us from behind the glass at your favorite convenient store, and the NFL preseason hype is at its peak. Most importantly, the thrill of a fresh Funny Money season is now upon us.
I’d like to offer up some tried and true advice on betting habits that just might lead you to the championship season that we can all envision ourselves achieving right now. Here are my five tips on what matters, and what matters not with respect to your pre-bet ritual:
1.) Betting day breakfast
If you are the “eh, I don’t really eat breakfast, I’m good with coffee” type, then you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. Betting without any food in the stomach can lead to irrational, spur-of-the-moment bets. Too much coffee can also lead to excess excitement over a Russell Wilson or RGIII highlight from the previous week, which have been known to alter betting behavior.
Matters
2.) Wearing your “good luck” jersey/socks/whatever flavor applies to you:
I’ve gone several weeks without washing my favorite jersey after a $500 week (it might not be a coincidence that I was single at the time) only to see a poor betting performance AND my favorite team lose. Don’t worry about your game-watching garb, and don’t hide from Tide.
Doesn’t matter
3.) NFL analyst predictions:
I would be embarrassed to admit how many times I’ve let the prediction of a Mark Schlereth-type overrule my gut-feeling on the possible outcome of a game. Yes, I know, they deliver their opinions with such conviction! Skip all the TV analyst banter. You’ll have the added bonus of freeing up some space on the DVR without needing to record all those NFL Live episodes that you’ll never watch.
Don’t matter
4.) Opinions of your buddies, or that guy in the office with whom you only talk about sports:
Same concept. The favorite team bias comes into play here, as does something they knew about a team 3 weeks ago, which ends up being irrelevant for the current week’s game. Or worse….they may have been brainwashed by an analyst while eating their corn flakes.
Don’t matter
And finally, perhaps the single largest offender that has a detrimental effect on betting success, unbeknownst to the innocent football-watching male in our society….is:
5.) Letting your wife/girlfriend monopolize time that you know should be spent re-connecting with your inner betting genius:
“Honey, sweetie, let’s take the dog out to the park!”
“Honey, can you fix the door on the back porch today? “
Just like that. Precious minutes of your Saturday (if you’re like me and wait until the day bets are due) STOLEN from you when you need to be focusing on what’s ultimately most important in life – your Funny Money bets. Let’s face it – what’s more valuable – some lovey-dovey time at the park or time spent doing your OWN prep work and learning that a red-hot Andrew Luck is going up against a Swiss cheese secondary on Sunday…leading you to cash in and cruise into the week-long sweet aftertaste of victory. I think you know the answer.
Matters
My hope is that you all have gained an insight or two to take with you into this brand new season. I wish you all the best luck, with the exception of those in my division, and we’ll see ya on the weekly standings.
Yours truly,
Bayonnaise
Don Mattingly’s 2013 Season Preview
(Editor’s note: Before the season begins, we like to get another look at how the 2013 FMFL campaign might unfold. For some reason, we continue to give Don Mattingly carte blanche to write whatever he wants. Here’s what he came up with. Enjoy.)
In honor of the ascension of the Big Hurt into the ranks of the 2013 FMFL, let’s take a peek at the Donald’s preseason picks, paying homage to one of the Big Hurt’s top nemesis – the 1992-93 Toronto Blue Jays…
Triple A
28. Huck Flener – Face
Some random clown I’ve never heard of…seems an appropriate comparison to the franchise one FMFL media member once dubbed the “Nikolai Volkoff of Funny Money.”
Consistent Stalwarts
27. Dave Stieb – Rick Moranis
26. Dave Stewart – The Phoenix
‘80s baseball fans could pencil in the Dave’s for 15-20 wins each and every year. Similarly, Funny Money fans can always count on a classic -$500, -$500, -$500 from these franchises week in and week out.
One Hit Wonders Presented by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
25. Ed Sprague – Bayonnaise
What’s the more shocking feat: Ed Sprague once put together a season of 36 homers and 101 RBI or Bayonnaise goes down in history as a FMFL champion?
24. Kelly Gruber – The Beard of Zeus
In the ‘90s, many circles considered Ed Sprague the modern day Kelly Gruber (Kelly Gruber actually went 31/118 in 1990!). Although many fans will remember Kelly for his 1992 autobiography Kelly Gruber: At Home on Third (this is not a joke, although I wish it was), I’ll always remember him as the guy with the great, blonde, Lex Luger-esque mullet in the midst of nearly every pack of 1991 Topps I opened up. I have a similar affinity towards the Beard of Zeus’ facial hair.
Middle Relief/Journeymen
23. Mike Timlin – Kenny Powers
22. Duane Ward – Art Schlichter
Much like Cito Gaston dialing up these late-inning specialists on days where Tom Henke just had his fill, I just really want to believe in Kenny and Art, I really do. Unfortunately, I just don’t see it happening.
21. Luis Sojo – Boss Hardigan
I think any Yankees’ fan from the late ‘90s has a special place in their heart for good-spirited, Latino utility men like Luis Sojo and Jose Nobody Beats the Vizcaino. Unfortunately, for Boss Hardigan, this is a 1992-93 Blue Jays’ power rankings.
20. Todd Stottlemyre – The Big Hurt
The Big Hurt and Todd Stottlemyre are both bright-eyed, bushy-tailed rookies heading into the heat of a playoff race, but that’s really where the similarities end. Todd Stottlemyre, although serviceable, was, of course, overshadowed by his much more famous, former Major League Pitcher father, so…hopefully, The Big Hurt will be a more successful expansion franchise than the 1977 Seattle Mariners.
19. Pat Borders – The Notorious A.B.T.
It wasn’t always pretty, but Pat Borders was essentially the backbone of the Blue Jays’ golden years. When he was behind the plate, you always felt comfortable that a good game was about to be called. This is the same feeling I get when I see the Notorious one in my division year after year – a sense of comfort knowing a classic middling finish is on the horizon from this franchise.
18. David Wells – T-Ferg
17. Al Leiter – Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Are T-Ferg and Waldo Geraldo for real, or simply smoke and mirrors, like these two former New York sort-of aces/”really, he pitched a no-hitter?” southpaws?
Well-Respected Veterans
16. Jimmy Key – Babe
15. Devon White – Kiko Garcia
Say what you will about Babe and Kiko, these two franchises are consummate professionals.
14. Juan Guzman – Mr. Marbles
13. John Olerud – Kimmy Gibbler
Mr. Marbles and Kimmy have never been known to be flashy, but when playoff time arrives, you know these two franchises will be right on the cusp.
12. David Cone – Don Mattingly
By 1992, David Cone was a snake-bitten pitcher. Always extravagant, glitzy, and, quite frankly, flamboyant, the fans just absolutely craved for more of the Cone Zone. However, up until that point in his career, Cone just couldn’t shake the stigma of falling apart during the big game. By his Blue Jays’ run, though, things took a turn for the better, and now we all remember him for the legend that he truly is. 2013 will probably go the same way for the perpetually playoff-miscued Donald.
Up and Coming Stars
11. Jeff Kent – Bud Fox
10. Carlos Delgado – Ron Mexico
Former blue chip prospects Bud Fox and Ron Mexico have been tough to beat during their FMFL careers, and, truthfully, I think they’re only scratching the surface. My one concern – they’ve been almost too good. Do they have some sort of in with Walter Football that we just don’t know about? Will the Executive Director ever institute an official investigation into this matter?
9. Pat Hentgen – Blossom Russo
Just your standard, run of the mill, 24-7, under the radar go-to.
One Last Hurrah
8. Dave Winfield – Teddy KGB
Much maligned franchise Teddy KGB looks to prove to the fans that they are no bust, but some in the FMFL media feel this may be their last shot at relevance.
7. Tony Fernandez – Karl Farbman
Hunky Tony struggled mightily with the lowly Mets before turning things around during the stretch run with the Jays after a deadline deal, helping to propel them to the promised land. Karl, too, is coming off a disappointing season. Can he dig deep and return to his typical form in 2013?
6. Tom Henke – Gordon Bombay
The bespectacled master of the ninth inning, Tom Henke was nothing short of intimidating when he took the hill, arrogantly daring opponents to challenge his daunting prowess. Gord’s Gold continues an impressive run, constantly putting up gaudy numbers since the FMFL’s infancy. I see no reason that’ll stop now.
5. Paul Molitor – Yaz
4. Jack Morris – The People’s Champ
3. Rickey Henderson – Larisa Oleynik
Yaz, TPC, and Larisa – all former champions, heralded year after year as all-time FMFL greats, franchises that refuse to buckle under the pressure or wilt under the bright lights of FMFL intense media scrutiny. One of these three will surely be vying for the oh so coveted FMFL crown come February. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.
All-Stars
2. Robbie Alomar – 21th Precinct
The Precinct has been slowly climbing the charts of the FMFL leaderboards the past few years, and I think this is the season this franchise finally breaks out!
1. Joe Carter – Will Cover
“Touch ‘em all, Joe!” – The most enduring illustration of the Blue Jays’ run may be Joe Carter’s series clinching dinger in 1993. Over the past two FMFL seasons, Will Cover has bullied his divisional opponents into a pulp, slowly teasing them, dangling thoughts of glory in their faces, and then mercifully slitting their jugulars at the most opportune of moments – namely when Christian Ponder decides to have the game of his sad, pathetic life. This year, I think he takes it to the next level and treats the whole league like his own personal Mitch Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 Champ – Will Cover.
The Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: In past seasons, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, has done us the honor of previewing the league. This year, he goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Last year, whilst hanging out at The Tangiers, I snuck into a Norm MacDonald set. What a guy. Remember his old Larry King bit during the Kevin Nealon glory years of SNL? This preview, replete with odds I picked out of a hat, is somewhat reminiscent of those sketches (at least a few of them are, anyway). Here we go, gang.
EAST DIVISION
A veritable murderer’s row lane
Gordon Bombay – Much like Billy Madison upon his return to Knibb High School, listening to “The Stroke” always fires up Gordon for an intense day of consulting.
Odds: 8 to 1
Blossom Russo – Blossom ‘s tough off-season was spent holed-up at the Señor Frog’s in Myrtle Beach, where after another long night she demanded they change the name to “Mr.” Frog’s. The Spanglish that has been eating away at her ever since has unfortunately gotten much, much worse.
Odds: 15 to 1
Bud Fox – This may come as a shock to some of you, but Bud “The Stud” Fox is adamant that he’s always been an Emilio guy. That declaration aside, you can’t argue with the pedigree.
Odds: 10 to 1
Karl Farbman – Rumor has it that Karl Farbman nee Hungus was last seen boarding a shady helicopter in The Philippines with the last few bags of money from the WePay vault.
Odds: 6 to 1
Larissa Oleynik – Is anyone else kind of tired of Larissa winning every year? Seriously, what’s her secret? Is she sleeping with Alan Fong?
Odds: 5 to 2
Ron Mexico – A notorious albino, Ron avoids the hot Mexican sun by never going sans sleeves. His alias exists simply to fool the law.
Odds: 10 to 1
Yaz – I’ve gone to my wheelhouse many times in previews of Yaz and said that he is old. That’s because Yaz is old. Not quite grocery shopping at 7 a.m. old, but he’s getting there.
Odds: 5 to 1
NORTH DIVISION
Abraham Lincoln’s strike force
Bayonnaise – This is a guy who routinely runs a 15-miler an hour before his scheduled departure time, misses his flight, and still ends up arriving early, covered in mustard, aboard a private jet with the Swedish Bikini Team. Don’t act so surprised that he prefers mustard to mayo.
Odds: 8 to 1
Art Schlichter – Schlichter sounds like the name of beer my dad used to drink in college that has reemerged to become en vogue in urban hipster districts, aka “The Arts”.
Odds: 25 to 1
Boss Hardigan – Boss Hardigan and I had a serious heart-to-heart discussion at the end of last season where I tried to convince him to change his name to “Commander” Hardigan. He just refused to consider, and we parted on dubious terms.
Odds: 15 to 1
Don Mattingly – What do Dave Grohl, He-Man, and Cito Gaston all have in common? After spending nearly all of his off-season hours pondering this core question of our time, Don was only able to come up with, “How say The Tejas Tornado?” The fans just don’t see this boding well.
Odds: 15 to 1
Mr. Marbles – Unlike Blossom, Marbles has really started to embrace his inner señor, and has vowed to become the FMFL’s new Tex-Mex darling. His first move was to dump his doomsday stockpile of nacho Cheese Wiz in favor of shredded jack, truly a genuine effort.
Odds: 15 to 1
The Big Hurt – Frank Thomas was essentially the high water mark of baseball players wearing large crowned hats on the very tops of their heads. (See also: outstandingly tight pants.) Days like these are when I just pine for the early 90s.
Odds: 100 to 1
The Phoenix – Nowhere else to go but up, my man.
Odds: 5,000 to 1
SOUTH DIVISION
Waiting for someone to rise, again.
Will Cover – Essentially the Michael Musto of the FMFL, his fine record of bets and winnings over the years was recently published as La Dolce Cover.
Odds: 4 to 1
Babe – Turning his back on the gyro for his pending nuptials (wait, what?), Babe has cleaned up his eating act. If it’s not pan-seared now you might as well take it back. Babe, we hardly knew ye.
Odds: 20 to 1
Kiko Garcia – Those who know me well are familiar with my fondness for Streets of Rage II, in which the most common enemy is interchangeably known as Garcia/Galsia. I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon than by simultaneously taking out Wayne and a pack of Garcias with Axel’s special punch.
Odds: 40 to 1
Kimmy Gibbler – If the other franchises get on board with a circulating petition to start calling her Kimmy “Jib-ler”, we could all be in for a real treat this year.
Odds: 20 to 1
Rick Moranis – Let’s face it – I peaked with Strange Brew.
Odds: 10,000 to 1
The 21th Precinct – The reason why Hollywood loves Thomas Hayden Church so much is that he just excels in the everyman roles we all identify with. Have you seen him enjoy each and every class of wine he drinks in Sideways without judgment? You know the 21th Precinct agrees.
Odds: 12 to 1
The Notorious A.B.T. – I got to spend some time with A.B.T. this summer and learned that he really likes Caesar (pronounced Say-czar) salads. But he has mixed emotions about croutons, which seems a bit inconsistent.
Odds: 50 to 1
WEST DIVISION
Brought to you by spaghetti
Face – This just in, Face was once the world’s biggest Arli$$ fan, but he just can’t bring himself to get behind Bob Wuhl’s recent exploits.
Odds: 9 to 1
Kenny Powers – Sirs Merriam y Webster define power, among other things, as (1): ability to act or produce an effect (2): ability to get extra-base hits (3): capacity for being acted upon or undergoing an effect. Going 1 for 3 would be an admirable effort for Kenny.
Odds: 18 to 1
T-Ferg –Things T-Ferg loves: Mexican food, Yahoo! Sports, domestic autos, and gin. Just a young man trapped inside a middle-aged, Middle America man’s body.
Odds: 25 to 1
Teddy KGB – Teddy basically gives up hope midway through the season, so I’m giving up on his preview mid-sent….
Odds: 1,000 to 1
The Beard of Zeus – I’ve eaten his deep fried turkey, and it’s really good. (Pairs perfectly with a can of Schlichter Lite) If he came to me selling snake oil and bibles, I’d probably just give him the deed to my house.
Odds: 10 to 1
The People’s Champ – Allow me to indulge you for a moment with this quotation: “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.”- Dag Hammarskjold
Basically, a man with the name of an obscure, yet awesome Norwegian skier hath dissed our so-called “man of the people”. Who am I to disagree?
Odds: 10 to 1
Waldo Geraldo Faldo – As the proud owner of www.stevezahnismyace.com, Waldo is always pleased when the classic American film Sahara is on during his prime Sunday afternoon snacking time.
Odds: 20 to 1
That’s all she and he wrote. Remember, some of you will win, some of you will lose, and some of you will bet on the Chiefs. Good luck.
-Rick
2013 Divisions
East Division
Gordon Bombay*
Blossom Russo
Bud Fox
Karl Farbman
Larisa Oleynik
Ron Mexico
Yaz
North Division
Bayonnaise*
Art Schlichter
Boss Hardigan
Don Mattingly
Mr. Marbles
The Big Hurt
The Phoenix
South Division
Will Cover*
Babe
Kiko Garcia
Kimmy Gibbler
Rick Moranis
The 21th Precinct
The Notorious A.B.T.
West Division
Face*
Kenny Powers
T-Ferg
Teddy KGB
The Beard of Zeus
The People’s Champ
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
*Defending division champion
2013 Divisional Draft Chat
The following is a transcript from the Divisional Draft, which took place on August 25.
The Executive Director: Welcome everyone
The Executive Director: We will give Gordon until 7:35 before we get started
The Executive Director: Okay, no word from Gordon so we’ll get going
The Executive Director: Order is 1. Bayonnaise 2. Face 3. Gordon 4. Will; then the reverse in the next round
Face: So who picks for him?
The Executive Director: This has happened in the past, we’ll skip him until he joins; if he doesn’t join, he gets the leftovers after you guys pick your divisions
Bayonnaise: Got it.
The Executive Director: Bayonnaise, you’re up with the first pick
Bayonnaise: Well he’s a good man, and even better to have in my division..I’ll take The Phoenix
The Executive Director: Face, up to you
Face: Kenny Powers
The Executive Director: Will, two in a row for you
Will Cover: Rick Moranis
Will Cover: and no no notorious ABT
The Executive Director: Well done – Rick is always a first rounder
The Executive Director: Face – you’re up
Face: Bad karma. Teddy KGB
The Executive Director: Naise for two in a row
Bayonnaise: I’ll take The Hurt
The Executive Director: And…
Bayonnaise: and Boss Hardigan
The Executive Director: Back to you Face
Face: T-Ferg
The Executive Director: Roger that – Will Cover for two picks
Will Cover: I’ll take America’s sweetheart Kimmy
The Executive Director: Gibbler off the board
Bayonnaise: Ah I’ve always wanted Kimmy
The Executive Director: And your other pick?
Will Cover: Kiko
The Executive Director: Kiko and Kimmy are gone – Face back to you
Face: People’s Champ
The Executive Director: Ooh the two-time champ, Back to Bayonnaise for two
Bayonnaise: Don Mattingly, hoping for lots of dissention in the ranks here
Bayonnaise: and Art Schlichter
The Executive Director: Face back to you
Face: Waldo Geraldo Faldo
The Executive Director: Got it – Will for your final two selections
Will Cover: Babe
Will Cover: 21th precinct
The Executive Director: Face your final pick
Face: Beard
The Executive Director: And Bayonnaise, your last selection
Bayonnaise: Is Bummy available?
The Executive Director: He’s been out of the league for years
Bayonnaise: I’ll take Marbles
The Executive Director: Got it – that leaves Gordon Bombay with: Blossom Russo; Bud Fox; Karl Farbman; Larisa Oleynik; Ron Mexico; Yaz
Face: Black and blue division
Will Cover: brutal division
The Executive Director: The draft is complete – any final words/trash talk?
Face: Nickolai Volkoff remembers
The Executive Director: Thanks all for participating – until we meet again….
Face: Thanks Dolph
Bayonnaise: It’s been a pleasure fellas
Will Cover: See you degenerates later
Welcome to the 2013 FMFL Season
Gentlemen – Welcome to the seventh season of the Funny Money Football League.
The Divisional Draft will be held on Sunday, August 25, and the results will be posted shortly after. More to come next week.
