Wild Card Weekend Sunday Scenarios
If BALTIMORE and SEATTLE cover….
| Bayonnaise | $500 |
| The 21th Precinct | $500 |
| Will Cover | $500 |
| Face | $300 |
| Blossom Russo | $100 |
| Bud Fox | $100 |
| Yaz | $100 |
| Gordon Bombay | -$100 |
| The Beard of Zeus | -$500 |
If BALTIMORE and WASHINGTON cover….
| Face | $500 |
| Will Cover | $500 |
| Yaz | $500 |
| Bud Fox | $100 |
| Bayonnaise | -$100 |
| Gordon Bombay | -$100 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$100 |
| The Beard of Zeus | -$100 |
| Blossom Russo | -$500 |
If INDIANAPOLIS and SEATTLE cover….
| Bayonnaise | $500 |
| Blossom Russo | $500 |
| Bud Fox | $500 |
| Gordon Bombay | $500 |
| The 21th Precinct | $500 |
| Yaz | $100 |
| Face | -$100 |
| Will Cover | -$100 |
| The Beard of Zeus | -$500 |
If INDIANAPOLIS and WASHINGTON cover….
| Bud Fox | $500 |
| Gordon Bombay | $500 |
| Yaz | $500 |
| Face | $100 |
| Bayonnaise | -$100 |
| Blossom Russo | -$100 |
| The 21th Precinct | -$100 |
| The Beard of Zeus | -$100 |
| Will Cover | -$100 |
Wild Card Weekend Picks
Wild Card Weekend Lines
Note: Bets must be placed by Friday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
Vegas Odds from Rick Moranis
(Editor’s note: Each season, we like to have a franchise that is not involved in the playoffs to write a preview of the franchises to beat. Luckily, most seasons, Rick Moranis has failed to make the playoffs and has accepted this duty. And now, your FMFL Playoff Odds courtesy of Frederick Allan Moranis.)
It has become abundantly clear to yours truly that the Executive Director keeps inviting me to participate in the Funny Money Football League so that he can have someone penned in at the beginning of the year to write the Playoff Preview column. He’s pretty lazy, but I don’t begrudge him. After all, I sit here once again at the Tangiers, enjoying every last drop of my all-expenses paid post-season getaway to bring you this preview.
For those of you no longer in the competition, I offer my condolences. Trust me, I know how it feels. When you bet your wild card against the Jets and they choose that game to make Mark Sanchez look like Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, and Steamin’ Willie Beamon all rolled into one it’s either not your year or you are just not good at wagering on professional football games. Whichever camp you see yourself in, there’s always next year, my man. But for those still alive and playing for the pot of cash at the other side of the rainbow, below are the “official” odds for winning the 2012-13 Funny Money Football championship. I hope that the Executive Director has not taken liberties with $125 donation you made back in the summer in the same way the old President of Operation Smile – Loyola Chapter did during his reign of fiscal terror. Good luck to you and to the agents trying to find that cash.
Yaz: Right around the time Old Man Winter began blowing his icy breath Old Man Yaz turned on the juice and made his standard late-season push. Peyton Manning has proven one can still excel with a repaired spine and a single good knee. Yaz doesn’t even have half of a good knee left, but he has that sage experience. El favorito. Odds: 5:2
Bayonnaise: My oh my! Bayonnasie had no late bets AND won the regular season title! Given that we have collectively survived Y2K, the passing of Hale-Bopp, Alien vs. Predator, and the turning over of the Mayan calendar I suppose we can endure anything, but if Naise does the double and also wins the playoff championship I think the sun will explode. Still, there are good odds of that actually happening. Odds: 3:1
Gordon Bombay: Pardon me if I’ve used this bit before, but myself and a few friends once witnessed a young gentleman introduce himself to his future wife (?) at a bar with, “I’m Gordon Bombay. Nice to meet you.” That guy was legit. The person who calls himself Gordon in the FMFL isn’t that guy, but the mere name association tells you he’s partially got it figured out. Odds: 4:1
The 21th Precinct: The phonetically and mathematically challenged FMFL franchise had a really nice year, raking in $2,000 and claiming the top wild card spot. The Precinct looks poised to also have a really nice playoff run, but finish just outside the money. Odds are he finishes 4st. Odds: 7:1
Beard of Zeus: Zeus has been plucking little crumb nuggets of gold out of godly beard all season long, but with a division title in sight and Gordon losing his wild card bet in the final week, he failed to get over the hump of Mt. Olympus. (The Packers? C’mon, guy.) Whatever, because that’s where he lives and all, but this is a bad time to catch a cold streak. Some hot tea, a few Ricolas, and a solid first week of the playoffs could go a long way towards curing his ills. Odds: 8:1
Will Cover: The man who refused to go away! Will grabbed the South by the absolute horns early, was briefly bucked by The Donald, but triumphantly reclaimed the top spot by riding the salt of the earth, backbone of America, working-class heroes known as the Tennessee Tee-tans during the final week. Joe Biden could not be more proud. Unfortunately, Will has about as good of a chance at winning the big title as Delaware has at becoming anything more than a spare-part state. Odds: 12:1
Face: Somebody punched Face in the face during week 17 and he almost fell off the…face…of the earth and lost $500. Not a good sign heading into the playoffs. Can he save…himself…and make a playoff run? Probably not. (Thought I was going to say “save face,” didn’t you?) Odds: 15:1
Blossom Russo: Blossom always seems to be pretty at this, doesn’t she? The franchise owns a top five all-time win percentage, has been to the playoffs four out of six years, and had a runner-up finish in 2007. So why are her odds so low for this year? Yeah, that’s got me too. Maybe it’s because she’s a girl and wore that stupid hat on her TV show back in the 90’s. First impressions tend to matter to the odds makers at the Tangiers. Odds: 20:1
Bud Fox: Something just tells me Bud Fox isn’t going to have a good playoffs. I mean, Wall Street 2 really sucked (I haven’t seen it, but that’s the general Ebert as well as Roper consensus). I’m just going to base his odds off of that. Look, Rick Moranis finished the year in last place at -$1,800, so I understand if you want to call a spade a spade and agree to disagree on this one, but that’s the way it is. Prove me wrong, Bud. Odds: 30:1
So there you have it. A healthy and happy 2013 to everyone. I’ll see ya’ll in the fall for my 2013-14 Season Preview where I will make the same jokes about the fashion stylings of the Notorious A.B.T. and Babe eating gyros and playing video games.
The Postseason Report
Another regular season in the books. Some franchises performed well down the stretch, and some folded like a cheap card table.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Boss Hardigan
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.554
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – NY Giants ($800) – Lost
Recap: After a sluggish start, the Boss made a big comeback in the second half of the season only to fall just short of the playoffs. Losing his big bet in Week 16 was what ultimately decided his season.
Grade: B+
Gordon Bombay
Current Total: $2,100
Winning Percentage: 0.636
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – New Orleans ($600) – Lost
Recap: Gordon hung around the top of the division during the first half of the year, and then made his move and broke away from the rest of the pack. Down the stretch he was anything but perfect, betting late one week and then nearly losing a $600 lead in the final week, but he held on to win the division by $100.
Grade: A-
Karl Farbman
Current Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Pittsburgh ($800) – Won
Recap: Pitiful is one word to describe how Karl performed in the second half of the season. He went from leading the division and looking like he could contend for the overall title, to slipping back into the negatives until winning $500 in the last week of the season. He failed to threepeat as the East champion, and will need to rebuild in 2013.
Grade: D
Mr. DeBlasis
Current Total: -$1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Cleveland ($800) – Lost
Recap: DeBlasis never gained momentum in the 2012 campaign, and once he lost his wild card bet in Week 9, his season was all but over. For a FMFL veteran, Mr. D has declined in recent years, and with this last place finish he has certainly hit rock bottom.
Grade: D-
Teddy KGB
Current Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.443
Fines: $800
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Baltimore ($800) – Won
Recap: The same old story for Teddy KGB, who despite winning his wild card bet in Week 9, couldn’t put it together in October and November and was out of the playoff picture for most of the year. Time for a new strategy in 2013?
Grade: D
The 21th Precinct
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.578
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 15 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: The Precinct had one of the best second halves in recent memory, as he went from being right around even money to emerging as contender for the division crown. If he could have had a stronger finish in Week 17, the East title was there for the taking. His consolation is that he’ll still be in the postseason.
Grade: A-
The Beard of Zeus
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.571
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: The Beard got hot in the middle of the year and was yet another team that barely missed out on winning the East. He did not use his wild card bet, and instead rode a strong winning percentage to another playoff appearance.
Grade: A-
North Division
Bayonnaise
Current Total: $3,200
Winning Percentage: 0.600
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Houston ($800) – Won
Recap: After winning his wild card bet in Week 9, the ‘Naise got red-hot and surged to the top of the star-studded North Division. In the final few weeks of the season, many franchises took shots at his throne, but they all fell by the wayside in the end. 2012 was definitely his finest performance to date, and he’ll have a target on his back in the playoffs.
Grade: A
Kimmy Gibbler
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.487
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: Ultimately this year was one of “what could have beens” for Gibbler, who had an incredible December comeback, winning $500 four weeks in a row. But in the final week of the season, she dropped $500. A better start to the season in 2013, and she could have a return to glory.
Grade: B-
Larisa Oleynik
Current Total: $900
Winning Percentage: 0.514
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: Larisa treaded water for most of the season around the top of the North Division, but when the heat was turned up in the last few weeks, she couldn’t put it together. A very uncharacteristic Week 17 as well, as late bets and two losses dashed her postseason dreams.
Grade: B-
Ron Mexico
Current Total: $900
Winning Percentage: 0.528
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: Ronnie had another solid season, but was too inconsistent to return to the playoffs. In most weeks he was either winning or losing $500, and couldn’t grind it out with the other North franchises during the later stages of the season.
Grade: B-
The Phoenix
Current Total: -$1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.545
Fines: $1,300
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Chicago ($600) – Won
Recap: The broken record for the Phoenix – pretty good picks, but so many fines that he was never considered to be a contender. Maybe he should put a reminder alarm on his phone? If so, he could make the playoffs someday.
Grade: D-
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Current Total: $500
Winning Percentage: 0.545
Fines: $700
Wild Card Bet: Week 8 – NY Giants ($800) – Won
Recap: Waldo made a push in November, but faded later in the season and couldn’t hang with the sharks. His winning percentage is commendable, but in the end he was a few wins away from anything but a pat on the back.
Grade: B-
Yaz
Current Total: $1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.608
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Dallas ($800) – Lost
Recap: Not many franchises can lose $1,000 in Week 17 and still get into the playoffs, but it shows how strong Yaz was in December. He took a shot and tried to win the division, but Bayonnaise could not be caught. Over 60% this year makes him one of the postseason favorites.
Grade: B+
South Division
Babe
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.489
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 4 – New England ($800) – Won
Recap: Babe never got things going in 2012, and even an early wild card victory couldn’t propel him into contention in the South. He bets two teams almost every week, so his seasons are always boom or absolute bust.
Grade: C-
Don Mattingly
Current Total: $900
Winning Percentage: 0.557
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Green Bay ($800) – Lost
Recap: The Donald has little to show for a solid season due to a Week 17 collapse. Donnie was leading the division and used his wild card bet in a “win or go home” situation. Unfortunately for Don, Christian Ponder crushed his dreams of taking home the South title.
Grade: B
Mr. Marbles
Current Total: $600
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 13 – Houston ($800) – Won
Recap: Marbles has awful in the first half of the season, but bounced back in a big way and made a run at the division, only to tumble in the last few weeks of the year. He was still around to fight for a playoff spot, but came up short, losing $500 in Week 17.
Grade: B
Rick Moranis
Current Total: -$1,800
Winning Percentage: 0.405
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – St. Louis ($800) – Lost
Recap: Another last place finish. Next.
Grade: F
T-Ferg
Current Total: -$1,500
Winning Percentage: 0.433
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Green Bay ($800) – Won
Recap: T-Ferg couldn’t put together a run this season, and despite winning his wild card bet, never got on a hot streak. His winning percentage was Moranis-like in 2012.
Grade: D-
The Notorious A.B.T.
Current Total: -$1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.427
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 14 – Baltimore ($800) – Lost
Recap: If his Week 14 wild card bet had gone the other way, we might be talking about ABT in the playoffs. But the Ravens collapsed against the Redskins, and The Notorious collapsed for the rest of the year. A strong showing in Weeks 1 through 13.
Grade: D-
Will Cover
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.523
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Tennessee ($800) – Won
Recap: At the midpoint of the year, Will was winning over 70% of his games. In the second half of the year, he could barely eke out a winning week and lost control of what at one time seemed to be an insurmountable lead. But in Week 17, when the money was on the line, he won his wild card bet and defended his South Division crown.
Grade: A-
West Division
Art Schlichter
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 12 – Cincinnati ($800) – Won
Recap: A pretty ho-hum year for Art, who won 50% of his games and won his wild card bet, but was too far behind the rest of the pack to make a playoff run.
Grade: B-
Blossom Russo
Current Total: $1,900
Winning Percentage: 0.628
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Green Bay ($800) – Lost
Recap: Blossom was in the lead in the West for most of the year, and then in Week 17 took a stab at winning the overall regular season title. He failed miserably, and in the end lost $1,000 and lost the division. He’ll still be in the playoffs, but momentum is not on his side.
Grade: B+
Bud Fox
Current Total: $1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 10 – Denver ($800) – Won
Recap: Bud Fox jumped up the standings during November after a quiet first half of the season. He backed into the playoffs in the final spot, and has now made the postseason in each of his first two seasons.
Grade: B+
Face
Current Total: $2,100
Winning Percentage: 0.674
Fines: $800
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Indianapolis ($800) – Won
Recap: The West Division championship fell into Face’s lap in the end, as he lost $500 but still erased a $300 deficit due to Blossom’s unfortunate picks. But Face, who had a remarkable total considering he missed making his bets one week, and won 67%, nearly setting the single season record. A great season and one of the favorites in the playoffs.
Grade: A-
Kenny Powers
Current Total: -$1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.361
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – Chicago ($800) – Won
Recap: Kenny got back in the league in 2012, and it seems as though he was rusty the entire season. Even with winning his wild card bet, his meager 36% winning percentage held him back from ever being in contention this year.
Grade: D-
Kiko Garcia
Current Total: $1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.522
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – New England ($800) – Won
Recap: Kiko made a big push late in the year and won $1,000 in the final week, but it was too little, too late as he just missed out on the playoffs. A good year for Kiko, though, as they are a team on the rise in the FMFL.
Grade: B
The People’s Champ
Current Total: -$700
Winning Percentage: 0.470
Fines: $800
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: The Champ didn’t use his wild card bet, had $800 worth of fines, and a subpar winning percentage. He might have still been hungover from the 2011 victory party because his head wasn’t in it this season.
Grade: D+
Wild Card Weekend Standings
| Bayonnaise | $0 |
| Blossom Russo | $0 |
| Bud Fox | $0 |
| Face | $0 |
| Gordon Bombay | $0 |
| The 21th Precinct | $0 |
| The Beard of Zeus | $0 |
| Will Cover | $0 |
| Yaz | $0 |
