Don Mattingly’s 2013 Season Preview
(Editor’s note: Before the season begins, we like to get another look at how the 2013 FMFL campaign might unfold. For some reason, we continue to give Don Mattingly carte blanche to write whatever he wants. Here’s what he came up with. Enjoy.)
In honor of the ascension of the Big Hurt into the ranks of the 2013 FMFL, let’s take a peek at the Donald’s preseason picks, paying homage to one of the Big Hurt’s top nemesis – the 1992-93 Toronto Blue Jays…
Triple A
28. Huck Flener – Face
Some random clown I’ve never heard of…seems an appropriate comparison to the franchise one FMFL media member once dubbed the “Nikolai Volkoff of Funny Money.”
Consistent Stalwarts
27. Dave Stieb – Rick Moranis
26. Dave Stewart – The Phoenix
‘80s baseball fans could pencil in the Dave’s for 15-20 wins each and every year. Similarly, Funny Money fans can always count on a classic -$500, -$500, -$500 from these franchises week in and week out.
One Hit Wonders Presented by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
25. Ed Sprague – Bayonnaise
What’s the more shocking feat: Ed Sprague once put together a season of 36 homers and 101 RBI or Bayonnaise goes down in history as a FMFL champion?
24. Kelly Gruber – The Beard of Zeus
In the ‘90s, many circles considered Ed Sprague the modern day Kelly Gruber (Kelly Gruber actually went 31/118 in 1990!). Although many fans will remember Kelly for his 1992 autobiography Kelly Gruber: At Home on Third (this is not a joke, although I wish it was), I’ll always remember him as the guy with the great, blonde, Lex Luger-esque mullet in the midst of nearly every pack of 1991 Topps I opened up. I have a similar affinity towards the Beard of Zeus’ facial hair.
Middle Relief/Journeymen
23. Mike Timlin – Kenny Powers
22. Duane Ward – Art Schlichter
Much like Cito Gaston dialing up these late-inning specialists on days where Tom Henke just had his fill, I just really want to believe in Kenny and Art, I really do. Unfortunately, I just don’t see it happening.
21. Luis Sojo – Boss Hardigan
I think any Yankees’ fan from the late ‘90s has a special place in their heart for good-spirited, Latino utility men like Luis Sojo and Jose Nobody Beats the Vizcaino. Unfortunately, for Boss Hardigan, this is a 1992-93 Blue Jays’ power rankings.
20. Todd Stottlemyre – The Big Hurt
The Big Hurt and Todd Stottlemyre are both bright-eyed, bushy-tailed rookies heading into the heat of a playoff race, but that’s really where the similarities end. Todd Stottlemyre, although serviceable, was, of course, overshadowed by his much more famous, former Major League Pitcher father, so…hopefully, The Big Hurt will be a more successful expansion franchise than the 1977 Seattle Mariners.
19. Pat Borders – The Notorious A.B.T.
It wasn’t always pretty, but Pat Borders was essentially the backbone of the Blue Jays’ golden years. When he was behind the plate, you always felt comfortable that a good game was about to be called. This is the same feeling I get when I see the Notorious one in my division year after year – a sense of comfort knowing a classic middling finish is on the horizon from this franchise.
18. David Wells – T-Ferg
17. Al Leiter – Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Are T-Ferg and Waldo Geraldo for real, or simply smoke and mirrors, like these two former New York sort-of aces/”really, he pitched a no-hitter?” southpaws?
Well-Respected Veterans
16. Jimmy Key – Babe
15. Devon White – Kiko Garcia
Say what you will about Babe and Kiko, these two franchises are consummate professionals.
14. Juan Guzman – Mr. Marbles
13. John Olerud – Kimmy Gibbler
Mr. Marbles and Kimmy have never been known to be flashy, but when playoff time arrives, you know these two franchises will be right on the cusp.
12. David Cone – Don Mattingly
By 1992, David Cone was a snake-bitten pitcher. Always extravagant, glitzy, and, quite frankly, flamboyant, the fans just absolutely craved for more of the Cone Zone. However, up until that point in his career, Cone just couldn’t shake the stigma of falling apart during the big game. By his Blue Jays’ run, though, things took a turn for the better, and now we all remember him for the legend that he truly is. 2013 will probably go the same way for the perpetually playoff-miscued Donald.
Up and Coming Stars
11. Jeff Kent – Bud Fox
10. Carlos Delgado – Ron Mexico
Former blue chip prospects Bud Fox and Ron Mexico have been tough to beat during their FMFL careers, and, truthfully, I think they’re only scratching the surface. My one concern – they’ve been almost too good. Do they have some sort of in with Walter Football that we just don’t know about? Will the Executive Director ever institute an official investigation into this matter?
9. Pat Hentgen – Blossom Russo
Just your standard, run of the mill, 24-7, under the radar go-to.
One Last Hurrah
8. Dave Winfield – Teddy KGB
Much maligned franchise Teddy KGB looks to prove to the fans that they are no bust, but some in the FMFL media feel this may be their last shot at relevance.
7. Tony Fernandez – Karl Farbman
Hunky Tony struggled mightily with the lowly Mets before turning things around during the stretch run with the Jays after a deadline deal, helping to propel them to the promised land. Karl, too, is coming off a disappointing season. Can he dig deep and return to his typical form in 2013?
6. Tom Henke – Gordon Bombay
The bespectacled master of the ninth inning, Tom Henke was nothing short of intimidating when he took the hill, arrogantly daring opponents to challenge his daunting prowess. Gord’s Gold continues an impressive run, constantly putting up gaudy numbers since the FMFL’s infancy. I see no reason that’ll stop now.
5. Paul Molitor – Yaz
4. Jack Morris – The People’s Champ
3. Rickey Henderson – Larisa Oleynik
Yaz, TPC, and Larisa – all former champions, heralded year after year as all-time FMFL greats, franchises that refuse to buckle under the pressure or wilt under the bright lights of FMFL intense media scrutiny. One of these three will surely be vying for the oh so coveted FMFL crown come February. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.
All-Stars
2. Robbie Alomar – 21th Precinct
The Precinct has been slowly climbing the charts of the FMFL leaderboards the past few years, and I think this is the season this franchise finally breaks out!
1. Joe Carter – Will Cover
“Touch ‘em all, Joe!” – The most enduring illustration of the Blue Jays’ run may be Joe Carter’s series clinching dinger in 1993. Over the past two FMFL seasons, Will Cover has bullied his divisional opponents into a pulp, slowly teasing them, dangling thoughts of glory in their faces, and then mercifully slitting their jugulars at the most opportune of moments – namely when Christian Ponder decides to have the game of his sad, pathetic life. This year, I think he takes it to the next level and treats the whole league like his own personal Mitch Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 Champ – Will Cover.
The Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: In past seasons, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, has done us the honor of previewing the league. This year, he goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Last year, whilst hanging out at The Tangiers, I snuck into a Norm MacDonald set. What a guy. Remember his old Larry King bit during the Kevin Nealon glory years of SNL? This preview, replete with odds I picked out of a hat, is somewhat reminiscent of those sketches (at least a few of them are, anyway). Here we go, gang.
EAST DIVISION
A veritable murderer’s row lane
Gordon Bombay – Much like Billy Madison upon his return to Knibb High School, listening to “The Stroke” always fires up Gordon for an intense day of consulting.
Odds: 8 to 1
Blossom Russo – Blossom ‘s tough off-season was spent holed-up at the Señor Frog’s in Myrtle Beach, where after another long night she demanded they change the name to “Mr.” Frog’s. The Spanglish that has been eating away at her ever since has unfortunately gotten much, much worse.
Odds: 15 to 1
Bud Fox – This may come as a shock to some of you, but Bud “The Stud” Fox is adamant that he’s always been an Emilio guy. That declaration aside, you can’t argue with the pedigree.
Odds: 10 to 1
Karl Farbman – Rumor has it that Karl Farbman nee Hungus was last seen boarding a shady helicopter in The Philippines with the last few bags of money from the WePay vault.
Odds: 6 to 1
Larissa Oleynik – Is anyone else kind of tired of Larissa winning every year? Seriously, what’s her secret? Is she sleeping with Alan Fong?
Odds: 5 to 2
Ron Mexico – A notorious albino, Ron avoids the hot Mexican sun by never going sans sleeves. His alias exists simply to fool the law.
Odds: 10 to 1
Yaz – I’ve gone to my wheelhouse many times in previews of Yaz and said that he is old. That’s because Yaz is old. Not quite grocery shopping at 7 a.m. old, but he’s getting there.
Odds: 5 to 1
NORTH DIVISION
Abraham Lincoln’s strike force
Bayonnaise – This is a guy who routinely runs a 15-miler an hour before his scheduled departure time, misses his flight, and still ends up arriving early, covered in mustard, aboard a private jet with the Swedish Bikini Team. Don’t act so surprised that he prefers mustard to mayo.
Odds: 8 to 1
Art Schlichter – Schlichter sounds like the name of beer my dad used to drink in college that has reemerged to become en vogue in urban hipster districts, aka “The Arts”.
Odds: 25 to 1
Boss Hardigan – Boss Hardigan and I had a serious heart-to-heart discussion at the end of last season where I tried to convince him to change his name to “Commander” Hardigan. He just refused to consider, and we parted on dubious terms.
Odds: 15 to 1
Don Mattingly – What do Dave Grohl, He-Man, and Cito Gaston all have in common? After spending nearly all of his off-season hours pondering this core question of our time, Don was only able to come up with, “How say The Tejas Tornado?” The fans just don’t see this boding well.
Odds: 15 to 1
Mr. Marbles – Unlike Blossom, Marbles has really started to embrace his inner señor, and has vowed to become the FMFL’s new Tex-Mex darling. His first move was to dump his doomsday stockpile of nacho Cheese Wiz in favor of shredded jack, truly a genuine effort.
Odds: 15 to 1
The Big Hurt – Frank Thomas was essentially the high water mark of baseball players wearing large crowned hats on the very tops of their heads. (See also: outstandingly tight pants.) Days like these are when I just pine for the early 90s.
Odds: 100 to 1
The Phoenix – Nowhere else to go but up, my man.
Odds: 5,000 to 1
SOUTH DIVISION
Waiting for someone to rise, again.
Will Cover – Essentially the Michael Musto of the FMFL, his fine record of bets and winnings over the years was recently published as La Dolce Cover.
Odds: 4 to 1
Babe – Turning his back on the gyro for his pending nuptials (wait, what?), Babe has cleaned up his eating act. If it’s not pan-seared now you might as well take it back. Babe, we hardly knew ye.
Odds: 20 to 1
Kiko Garcia – Those who know me well are familiar with my fondness for Streets of Rage II, in which the most common enemy is interchangeably known as Garcia/Galsia. I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon than by simultaneously taking out Wayne and a pack of Garcias with Axel’s special punch.
Odds: 40 to 1
Kimmy Gibbler – If the other franchises get on board with a circulating petition to start calling her Kimmy “Jib-ler”, we could all be in for a real treat this year.
Odds: 20 to 1
Rick Moranis – Let’s face it – I peaked with Strange Brew.
Odds: 10,000 to 1
The 21th Precinct – The reason why Hollywood loves Thomas Hayden Church so much is that he just excels in the everyman roles we all identify with. Have you seen him enjoy each and every class of wine he drinks in Sideways without judgment? You know the 21th Precinct agrees.
Odds: 12 to 1
The Notorious A.B.T. – I got to spend some time with A.B.T. this summer and learned that he really likes Caesar (pronounced Say-czar) salads. But he has mixed emotions about croutons, which seems a bit inconsistent.
Odds: 50 to 1
WEST DIVISION
Brought to you by spaghetti
Face – This just in, Face was once the world’s biggest Arli$$ fan, but he just can’t bring himself to get behind Bob Wuhl’s recent exploits.
Odds: 9 to 1
Kenny Powers – Sirs Merriam y Webster define power, among other things, as (1): ability to act or produce an effect (2): ability to get extra-base hits (3): capacity for being acted upon or undergoing an effect. Going 1 for 3 would be an admirable effort for Kenny.
Odds: 18 to 1
T-Ferg –Things T-Ferg loves: Mexican food, Yahoo! Sports, domestic autos, and gin. Just a young man trapped inside a middle-aged, Middle America man’s body.
Odds: 25 to 1
Teddy KGB – Teddy basically gives up hope midway through the season, so I’m giving up on his preview mid-sent….
Odds: 1,000 to 1
The Beard of Zeus – I’ve eaten his deep fried turkey, and it’s really good. (Pairs perfectly with a can of Schlichter Lite) If he came to me selling snake oil and bibles, I’d probably just give him the deed to my house.
Odds: 10 to 1
The People’s Champ – Allow me to indulge you for a moment with this quotation: “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.”- Dag Hammarskjold
Basically, a man with the name of an obscure, yet awesome Norwegian skier hath dissed our so-called “man of the people”. Who am I to disagree?
Odds: 10 to 1
Waldo Geraldo Faldo – As the proud owner of www.stevezahnismyace.com, Waldo is always pleased when the classic American film Sahara is on during his prime Sunday afternoon snacking time.
Odds: 20 to 1
That’s all she and he wrote. Remember, some of you will win, some of you will lose, and some of you will bet on the Chiefs. Good luck.
-Rick
2013 Divisions
East Division
Gordon Bombay*
Blossom Russo
Bud Fox
Karl Farbman
Larisa Oleynik
Ron Mexico
Yaz
North Division
Bayonnaise*
Art Schlichter
Boss Hardigan
Don Mattingly
Mr. Marbles
The Big Hurt
The Phoenix
South Division
Will Cover*
Babe
Kiko Garcia
Kimmy Gibbler
Rick Moranis
The 21th Precinct
The Notorious A.B.T.
West Division
Face*
Kenny Powers
T-Ferg
Teddy KGB
The Beard of Zeus
The People’s Champ
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
*Defending division champion
2013 Divisional Draft Chat
The following is a transcript from the Divisional Draft, which took place on August 25.
The Executive Director: Welcome everyone
The Executive Director: We will give Gordon until 7:35 before we get started
The Executive Director: Okay, no word from Gordon so we’ll get going
The Executive Director: Order is 1. Bayonnaise 2. Face 3. Gordon 4. Will; then the reverse in the next round
Face: So who picks for him?
The Executive Director: This has happened in the past, we’ll skip him until he joins; if he doesn’t join, he gets the leftovers after you guys pick your divisions
Bayonnaise: Got it.
The Executive Director: Bayonnaise, you’re up with the first pick
Bayonnaise: Well he’s a good man, and even better to have in my division..I’ll take The Phoenix
The Executive Director: Face, up to you
Face: Kenny Powers
The Executive Director: Will, two in a row for you
Will Cover: Rick Moranis
Will Cover: and no no notorious ABT
The Executive Director: Well done – Rick is always a first rounder
The Executive Director: Face – you’re up
Face: Bad karma. Teddy KGB
The Executive Director: Naise for two in a row
Bayonnaise: I’ll take The Hurt
The Executive Director: And…
Bayonnaise: and Boss Hardigan
The Executive Director: Back to you Face
Face: T-Ferg
The Executive Director: Roger that – Will Cover for two picks
Will Cover: I’ll take America’s sweetheart Kimmy
The Executive Director: Gibbler off the board
Bayonnaise: Ah I’ve always wanted Kimmy
The Executive Director: And your other pick?
Will Cover: Kiko
The Executive Director: Kiko and Kimmy are gone – Face back to you
Face: People’s Champ
The Executive Director: Ooh the two-time champ, Back to Bayonnaise for two
Bayonnaise: Don Mattingly, hoping for lots of dissention in the ranks here
Bayonnaise: and Art Schlichter
The Executive Director: Face back to you
Face: Waldo Geraldo Faldo
The Executive Director: Got it – Will for your final two selections
Will Cover: Babe
Will Cover: 21th precinct
The Executive Director: Face your final pick
Face: Beard
The Executive Director: And Bayonnaise, your last selection
Bayonnaise: Is Bummy available?
The Executive Director: He’s been out of the league for years
Bayonnaise: I’ll take Marbles
The Executive Director: Got it – that leaves Gordon Bombay with: Blossom Russo; Bud Fox; Karl Farbman; Larisa Oleynik; Ron Mexico; Yaz
Face: Black and blue division
Will Cover: brutal division
The Executive Director: The draft is complete – any final words/trash talk?
Face: Nickolai Volkoff remembers
The Executive Director: Thanks all for participating – until we meet again….
Face: Thanks Dolph
Bayonnaise: It’s been a pleasure fellas
Will Cover: See you degenerates later
Welcome to the 2013 FMFL Season
Gentlemen – Welcome to the seventh season of the Funny Money Football League.
The Divisional Draft will be held on Sunday, August 25, and the results will be posted shortly after. More to come next week.
