Week 2 Standings
Week 1 Picks
Week 1 Lines
Note: Bets must be placed by Saturday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
Week 1 Standings
Welcome to the 2015 Season from Gordon Bombay
(Editor’s note: The 2014 winner, Gordon Bombay, has graciously contributed some wisdom as we kick off the 2015 season. His message is below.)
All alone in an empty parking lot just outside of Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Hello friends. I’d like to thank the Executive Director for giving me the opportunity to welcome the 2015 season with a few words.
[presses pause on Sony Discman w/ 8x anti-skip and Mega Bass technology]
As owner of one of the founding franchises, it is my pleasure to offer my thoughts on what should be another great season of Funny Money Football. In my eight years of experience in the league, I have seen and experienced all of the drama and excitement this league gives us for five months of the year.
[finishes untying rollerblades and changes into a pair of Reebok high-tops]
There have been dominant teams, commanding the competition for an entire season. There have been early season bottom feeders fighting to the top and into the playoffs. The proper timing of one’s Wild Card bet can make or break a franchise, especially in the final weeks of the season. Gone are the days of competing with only a few franchises, betting on Thursday night games, and relying on at least two other franchises to not submit picks and rack up the penalties. Funny Money Football has grown. The teams have matured and the competition is as fierce as ever.
[removes backwards hat and wafts hand through flowing auburn locks of hair]
As for my story leading up to finally winning last season, I have always been a product of hard work and determination. A model leader in any circumstance.
(was a former lawyer pulled over for DWI and court-ordered to coach failing Pee Wee hockey team)
As my friend and mentor Hans once told me, “Gordon, I taught ya how to skate, I taught ya how to score. I taught ya how to go for the W. Don’t let Iceland have their way with you. Give em’ the Triple Deke!” Hans ended up dying….BUT HIS WORDS LIVE ON!
[puts on COACH BOMBAY jacket with leather sleeves smelling like a bad combination of Old Spice, Right Guard and Heineken]
Through consistency and conservative thinking, I have fought each year to remain competitive. Ducks never die. Here we are, preparing for the ninth season of FMFL. The familiar faces of the 31 returning franchises welcome our expansion team, Chalky Studebaker. With the hot days of summer behind us and kickoff looming I would like to wish each and every one of you the best of luck. Here’s to another great season of Funny Money Football!
[raises fist. queue orchestral theme song]
[cut to slow motion shot of ducks flying in V formation over trees before fading to black]
Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: As is tradition, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Live from The Tangiers…oh let’s just get on with it:
East Division
Bud Fox: Bud “Thine Stud” Fox is back and ready to go for another year. Really, that’s all I’ve got.
Odds: 15-1
Chris B. Corey: Cory Booker. Cory Matthews. Maybe if “Chris B.” dropped the “e” from his name he would finally amount to something. (We still love you.)
Odds: 500-1
Don Mattingly: I mean, I want Donald Baseball to have a good season, but until this franchise finishes Lee Iacocca’s Leaders this whole thing is just an exercise in futility.
Odds: 100-1
Karl Farbman: There are two kinds of people that like the Arizona Cardinals: people from New Mexico and Karl Farbman.
Odds: 2-1
Larisa Oleynik: Larisa, I’ve got a great experiment for you to try this year: $300 Green Bay, $200 New England.
Odds: 10-1
The Beard of Zeus: At this point it’s just time to cut your losses on the beard and embrace the french fork.
Odds: 75-1
The Big Hurt: *Given the choice between playing as himself on Sports Talk Baseball or annihilating disgruntled barman Wayne in Streets of Rage II, nine times out of ten The Big Hurt chooses the latter.
Odds: 100-1
*Recycled bit from 2014. (Fast forward to 2:32 to view the Wayne fight, unless you wish to see repetitive defeating of Galsia, then by all means watch the whole thing!)
The People’s Champ: Anyone remember Champs Sports? Do they still exist? Weren’t they like a knock-off version of Foot Locker and always located next to an Auntie Anne’s?
Odds: 7-2
North Division
Blossom Russo: This season, enjoy half-priced Awesome Blossom Russos during Thursday Night Football at Chili’s!
Odds: 6-1
Dr. Oge: I’m not going to lie, before writing this preview I had to Google Dr. Oge, who according to Healthgrades.com seems to be a pleasant family physician from Nashville, TN.
Odds: 20-1
Kenny Powers: Pardon me if this seems a bit obtuse, but you do realize you picked a division with two former champs, right? But you also got The Phoenix and myself, so OK.
Odds: 3-1
Kimmy Gibbler: All Barry Gibb and Kimmy Gibbler wanted to do was make a nice, folksy duet record, and then Avicii just had to come along and remix the damn thing.
Odds: 5-1
Rick Moranis: I have used the offseason to work on my poetry:
I have odds of 10,000-1
Odds: 10,000-1
T-Ferg: So what is Burt Reynolds up to these days?
Odds: 40-1
The Phoenix: Bro…::sigh::…bro.
Odds: 5,000-1
Yaz: Yaz prepared this year during the offseason by dining at the Early Bird Special at 3:30 p.m. instead of the usual 4:30 p.m., followed by going to the grocery store at 6 a.m. and then doing other assorted old man things.
Odds: 15-1
South Division
Art Schlichter: Some men are modernists, others are devoted to the works of the classical masters. I, however, just prefer my art for Art Schlichter’s sake.
Odds: 25-1
Boss Hardigan: If the lady down at the Chinese restaurant takes down his order for “Boss Cardigan” one more time I think he might finally lose it.
Odds: 50-1
Face: Let’s face it, I don’t think any of us can face another year of this. Here all week folks, tip jar is on the bar.
Odds: 500-1
Gordon Bombay: Another year, another victory for Gordon Bombay. Yawn. Wake me up next year when it’s time to CTRL+C this again.
Odds: 3-2
Kiko Garcia: You may find this hard to believe (I sure did), but Garcia preferred LaChoy over Kikkoman in a blind taste test.
Odds: 4-1
OJ: In times like these we must all ask ourselves, “Is this truly it?!?”
Odds: 12-1
The Notorious ABT: As science continues to progress, Zen philosophers, such as Basho, are becoming less and less reliable.
Odds: 1,000-1
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Soon to be known as Waldo Geraldo Faldo, Ph.D., he will soon be defending his dissertation on Reeshard Dawson’s performance in Running Man. Harvard just cannot wait any longer!
Odds: 25-1
West Division
Abe Froman: Abe Fro-yoman just feels it this year, with sprinkles and a cherry on top.
Odds: 50-1
Babe: GyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOX…dragon boating…GyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOX…make bets on Saturday …GyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOXGyrosXBOX
Odds: 40-1
Bayonnaise: The secret to the secret sauce has always been less mustard, more Bayonnaise!
Odds: 8-1
Chalky Studebaker: Studebaker (1852–1967 /ˈstʲuːdəbeɪkə/ STEW-də-bay-kər) was an American wagon and automobile manufacturer based in South Bend, Indiana. Founded in 1852 and incorporated in 1868[1] under the name of the Studebaker Brothers Manufacturing Company, the company was originally a producer of wagons for farmers, miners, and the military.
Odds: 500-1
Mr. Marbles: May I have ten thousand Mr. Marbles please?
Odds: 10-1
Ron Mexico: The new extra point rule just makes Ron Méjico wanna scream GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
Odds: 5-2
Shecky: The name Shecky reminds me of that great aunt you have but never really met, and you hear that she is nice and enjoys square dancing and sometimes plays bridge on Tuesdays.
Odds: 100-1
The 21th Precinct: I drank too much for my 21th birthday, so this year for my 22th I’d just like to have a low-key fondue dinner with friends and maybe a “nice” glass of wine.
Odds: 75-1
