Wild Card Weekend Picks
Rick Moranis Postseason Vegas Odds
(Editor’s note: Every once in a while, Rick Moranis provides his prognostications and handicaps the FMFL field. Take it away, Rick.)
Pink, one of the great leisure poets of our time, has declared that we better get this party started. I refuse to stand in her way. Gentlemen, the odds:
Boss Hardigan: Every winter when it snows in Baltimore, this placed called Elite Driving School is the first business to post a closure notice on the local news. I shared this because, knowing Boss Hardigan like I think I do, it is information that he will truly appreciate.
Odds: 20 to 1
Dr. Oge: Dr. Oge sounds like the name of one of those old USA Up All Night movies that walked the fine line between direct to cable slasher film and softcore pornography. That aside, he’s had a really nice season.
Odds: 15 to 1
Gordon Bombay: If Bombay wins the Funny Money Football league title again, I’m finally going to buy OJ that vinyl copy of Gord’s Gold that he’s been coveting all these years. It will be a win-win-win for the three of us.
Odds: 5 to 2
Kenny Powers: What’s the frequency, Kenneth Powers?
Odds: 7 to 1
Mr. Marbles: During his salad days as a young bachelor on the banks of the Cuyahoga River, Mr. Marbles used to hang out with members of the Cleveland Indians, bonding over Playstation and games of pinochle. Reports indicate that he’s now married and boring, but has become quite adept at betting the spreads of professional football games.
Odds: 8 to 1
OJ: I can’t help but admire a man who works for himself in the comfort of his own home, yet still dresses in khakis every morning. There’s a lot to like here.
Odds: 3 to 1
Patrick Bateman: If it were not for the almost surgical precision of Thine (with almost, of course, not being good enough), the toast of the league would have been fellow rookie Patrick Bateman. Patrick gets his due recognition here, but I simply don’t know what his playoff future holds. In this most obtuse of seasons, when down is up, the enlightened go sideways.
Odds: 10 to 1
T-Ferg: Consistency over the past couple seasons has been defined by the Messrs. T-Ferg. Both are now managers at a proud financial institution, and I’m convinced that the timing of their successful run and their overt orders to underlings to use working hours to crunch road team defense data is purely coincidence. It’s 2017, and you cannot persuade me otherwise.
Odds: 7 to 2
The Big Hurt: The Big Hurt, known in Germany as Die großen Verletzen (Hurt the Large), is pretty much the Hasselhoff of the FMFL: great pedigree, square jaw, division champ, looks great running on sand. Yes, some guys have it all, until they don’t. Sorry, my man.
Odds: 50 to 1
Thine: Who is Thine anyways? It is the question that has been on the minds of most FMFL franchises. His debut season of picking favorites was nearly as impressive as Cliff Clavin’s run on Jeopardy! The playoffs are different beast, but then again, have the playoffs have ever been in Thine’s magnificent kitchen?
Odds: 6 to 1
Wild Card Weekend Lines
Note: Bets must be placed by Friday night at midnight in order to be considered on time.
Wild Card Weekend Standings
The Postseason Report
Gentlemen – The tenth regular season of the FMFL is now complete. Overall, many franchises thrived in the second half of the season, creating even more than usual excellence required to grab one of the ten playoff spots. We also saw a few franchises fall on hard times in 2016, sinking the lowest of the low. Here’s all of it – good, bad, or ugly.
Here’s a breakdown of how the league did as a whole each week:
Week 1: -$1,400
Week 2: -$1,900
Week 3: -$4,500
Week 4: -$800
Week 5: +$3,600
Week 6: +$100
Week 7: +$4,700
Week 8: +$6,200
Week 9: -$4,100
Week 10: -$4,300
Week 11: +$9,300
Week 12: +$200
Week 13: -$400
Week 14: +$2,400
Week 15: -$300
Week 16: -$2,600
Week 17: -$1,500
That’s a cumulative total of +$4,700. Considering the number of franchises dragging down the total because of late/no bets, that’s quite a feat.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Abe Froman
Current Total: -$2,100
Winning Percentage: 0.410
Fines: $300
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – New England – Won
Recap: Abe failed to put it together and struggled down the stretch, posting a weak winning percentage. Is next year when he will finally make his mark on the league?
Grade: D
Art Schlichter
Current Total: $800
Winning Percentage: 0.529
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Green Bay – Won
Recap: After a solid first half of the year and a surge in Week 16, it fell apart for Art in Week 17. He was on the cusp of the playoffs but just couldn’t finish it off.
Grade: B-
Bud Fox
Current Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.406
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – Seattle – Won
Recap: Bud won his wild card bet and showed brief signs of life, but the 2016 season was a failure for this historically strong FMFL franchise.
Grade: C-
Face
Current Total: $700
Winning Percentage: 0.515
Fines: $300
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – Pittsburgh – Won
Recap: Face quietly made a big leap in November/December, but was a few picks away from really being a playoff contender. He also bet Green Bay the final six weeks of the season, which for the most part worked for him.
Grade: B-
OJ
Current Total: $1,500
Winning Percentage: 0.561
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 14 – Tennessee – Won
Recap: OJ made his bones post-Thanksgiving, and got into the playoffs via a miracle backdoor cover by the Saints in Week 17.
Grade: B
Rick Moranis
Current Total: $700
Winning Percentage: 0.565
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Baltimore – Lost
Recap: It was fun for a while, and Rick did everything right for 16 weeks….until he bet his season on his spouse’s beloved Rayyvens. Down went the birds, and they took Rick with them.
Grade: C+
Shecky
Current Total: -$1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.438
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 10 – Cincinnati – Won
Recap: Shecky never sunk down too low, but despite cashing in on his wild card bet, his 2016 campaign lacked momentum.
Grade: D+
The Big Hurt
Current Total: $2,300
Winning Percentage: 0.542
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – New England – Won
Recap: After years of lackluster second halves, TBH put together a great season and won the East title. Now onto a new challenge in the playoffs.
Grade: A-
North Division
Blossom Russo
Current Total: -$4,500
Winning Percentage: 0.391
Fines: $3,700
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – Pittsburgh – Won
Recap: Blossom tapped out (Chris B. Corey rule) with more than a month to go in the season, which put her out of her misery, considering her sub 40% winning percentage. But she did set the record for most fines in a season.
Grade: F
Don Mattingly
Current Total: -$3,600
Winning Percentage: 0.326
Fines: $700
Wild Card Bet: Week 12 – Indianapolis – Lost
Recap: The only thing grosser than the Donald’s resume this season was the fact that he overconfidently bet his wild card on Scott Tolzien and bragged about it before the game.
Grade: F
Gordon Bombay
Current Total: $2,200
Winning Percentage: 0.592
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Did Not Use
Recap: From beginning to end, Gordie was always in contention and finally wore down the rest of the North on his way to another division title.
Grade: A-
Karl Farbman
Current Total: $0
Winning Percentage: 0.471
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Baltimore – Won
Recap: Karl ends up where he started, but it couldn’t been much worse, given the winning percentage. He was once feared in the FMFL, but now has put together consecutive sub-par seasons.
Grade: C
Kiko Garcia
Current Total: -$100
Winning Percentage: 0.550
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 15 – Washington – Lost
Recap: Aside from missing a week of bets and losing his wild card bet, Kiko didn’t do that bad in 2016. But….those two things were pretty big.
Grade: C
Larisa Oleynik
Current Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.438
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – New England – Won
Recap: Larisa managed her money well for most of the season and even had a glimpse of being a postseason contender in December before hitting a bad skid that knocked her out of contention.
Grade: D+
T-Ferg
Current Total: $1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.594
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: The final two weeks of the season were detrimental for T-Ferg, who was neck and neck with Gordon Bombay for the North crown. They both had their wild card bets with only two weeks to go. T-Ferg blinked first, lost, and it handed Gordon the division on a silver platter.
Grade: B+
The Beard of Zeus
Current Total: $1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.571
Fines: $700
Wild Card Bet: Week 15 – Miami – Won
Recap: That $700 worth of fines…would’ve made the playoffs…..
Grade: B
South Division
Boss Hardigan
Current Total: $2,400
Winning Percentage: 0.629
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Green Bay – Won
Recap: The Boss had an incredible turnaround in the second half of the season. He was +3,500 after Week 9 and his winning percentage grew from 38% to 63%. He almost came all the way back to win the division, and should be feared in the postseason.
Grade: A-
Dr. Oge
Current Total: $1,700
Winning Percentage: 0.547
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Arizona – Won
Recap: Oge’s strategy was tried and true: bet three or four games and grind out the money each week. He’s in the playoffs looking to string together a few weeks on the way to a title.
Grade: B+
Judge Smails
Current Total: -$5,200
Winning Percentage: 0.319
Fines: $1,900
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Miami – Lost
Recap: A rough inaugural campaign for the Judge Smails. But, he did set the record for worst finish in the ten year history of the FMFL. And no one can take that away from him.
Grade: F
Kimmy Gibbler
Current Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.450
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 8 – Dallas – Won
Recap: Kimmy’s slowish start spelled her doom this season. She made a slight run in the second half of the year but then slumped in the last few weeks.
Grade: C-
Patrick Bateman
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.550
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 15 – Pittsburgh – Won
Recap: What a rookie season for Bateman, who did everything right and will be in the playoffs. He was one of the only other South franchises to make a serious run for the division title.
Grade: A-
Thine
Current Total: $2,900
Winning Percentage: 0.569
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Cincinnati – Won
Recap: Thine won the South in his first year in the league, which is something to hang his hat on, but he wasn’t completely perfect. And that’s what we expect of a brain surgeon.
Grade: A-
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Current Total: $1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.554
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – Minnesota – Won
Recap: A season of what could have beens for Waldo, who just barely missed out on the postseason.
Grade: B+
Yaz
Current Total: $1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.557
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Atlanta – Won
Recap: On his final wager of the season, Yaz’s pick was up 38-13 in the fourth quarter, giving 6.5 points. If the pick won, he’d make the playoffs. The Saints scored 19 straight, and the Falcons only won by 6. I guess if you’re going to go down, it’s better to make it memorable?
Grade: B+
West Division
Babe
Current Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.492
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 13 – NY Giants – Lost
Recap: Babe’s beloved Giants couldn’t pull him out of the mire of the 2016 season, as he failed to defend his 2015 title, much like the Denver Broncos. Oddly enough, I’ve always considered Babe to be a hunkier Von Miller.
Grade: D+
Bayonnaise
Current Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.512
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Atlanta – Lost
Recap: You wouldn’t know from his final total, but Bayonnaise had an outside shot at the playoffs in Week 17, but alas his wild card didn’t come through.
Grade: C-
Chalky Studebaker
Current Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.492
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 16 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: Chalky went -$2,000 in the final three weeks of the season. The holidays were not the most wonderful time of the year for him.
Grade: D+
Chris B. Corey
Current Total: $1,000
Winning Percentage: 0.553
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – Dallas – Won
Recap: Chris was a bad beat from making other postseason appearance and one wonders if a change of scenery is just what he needs to make a run next season.
Grade: B+
Kenny Powers
Current Total: $2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.594
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 11 – Pittsburgh – Won
Recap: Kenny hit his wild card early in the second half of the season and held off all other contenders in the West on his way to another division title.
Grade: A-
Mr. Marbles
Current Total: $1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.515
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – New England – Won
Recap: Much like last season, Mr. Marbles had a huge Week 17 to get into the playoffs.
Grade: B+
The Notorious ABT
Current Total: -$500
Winning Percentage: 0.477
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 9 – Pittsburgh – Lost
Recap: Was 2015 a flash in the pan? The ABT looks like his best year is behind him.
Grade: D+
The People’s Champ
Current Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.580
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 17 – Baltimore – Lost
Recap: This year had all the makings for another run by the Champ, who is the only two-time champion in FMFL history. His wild card bet went down and flames and so did his chances in 2016.
Grade: B-
2016 Total Wager Tracking Sheet
2016 Final Winning Percentages
2016 Playoff Field
The participants for the 2016 playoffs are as follows:
Boss Hardigan
Dr. Oge
Gordon Bombay
Kenny Powers
Mr. Marbles
OJ
Patrick Bateman
T-Ferg
The Big Hurt
Thine
Final Standings
Week 17 Picks
