As I See It: Mr. DeBlasis
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week, some have called our guest writer “The Most Intriguing Man in Funny Money.” That’s right, it’s Mr. DeBlasis. MD, take it away….
“Oh, but I see. Now it’s clear” – Alan Watts, philosopher
With six weeks in the books, the once young NFL season is starting to take shape. Teams are growing out of their preconceived expectations into their true identity. Certainly some are developing faster than others. However I think it’s easy to identify where all teams are in the NFL lifecycle. Here’s how I see it:
The “Hit-their-growth-spurt-early” Division
We all know the type. All the other kids are hanging around that 4ft-range. That is, everyone except that one freaky 7yr old who stands at a lanky 5’6″. You know, the one who can’t read but could dunk on an 9ft hoop. These teams came out the gate fast and you thought, “Wow, this team could win some games this year!” in the same way a proud father thinks his 7yr is a surefire No 1 NBA draft prospect. Unfortunately the answer is “No, they won’t”. Everyone will catch-up to them both in height and ability. Do not be fooled by these teams. Division Winner: Chicago Bears. Rest of Division: Kansas City Chiefs, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans
The “Bearded 7yr old” Division
These are the teams wise beyond their years and know how to take care of their business. They may be a bit hardheaded, classic been-around-the-block type. As easily the most mature of the group, the understand the process because they invented the process. No one is or should ever be surprised to see them atop the heap. They walk up to school both ways, would prefer to play without helmets and survive on a strictly meat diet – human meat. Ok, they aren’t Chuck Norris, but they will still kick your ass. Division Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers. Rest of Division: Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, New England Patriots, Miami Dolphins, NY Jets
The “Benjamin Button Disease” Division
Ahh, we all remember the Benjamin Button’s of our youth. Even as young children, they already seemed so accomplished, so seasoned and wise. You thought they’d seen it all and could conquer any challenge. Problem is that you are putting confidence in a person who is literally becoming less and less capable by the day. The teams in this division may once have resembled Brad Pitt. However, by the end of the season, they will literally be a screaming baby with no where to look but up to the teams that have passed them by. Division Winner: Dallas Cowboys. Rest of Division: New Orleans Saints, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings
The “7yr old in Diapers” Division
Growing up, there was always the one 3rd grader whose pants were just a little too bunchy. Always smelled a little suspect and made those awkward faces as he squatted in the corner of the art room. Newsflash, he was dropping the Cosby kids in a hammock. This just proves that because you look fully developed, you will never be as good as everyone else unless you lose the Huggies. You’re not fooling anyone. Division Winner (tie): San Francisco 49ers & San Diego Chargers
The “Hermaphrodite” or “It’s PAT” Division
We have all been there, quietly whispering to a friend, “Is that a man or a woman? I mean from this angle it looks like a man. But whoa, from this angle I swear it’s a chick!” The truth is with some people, you really don’t know unless you get under the hood. And I personally would not volunteer for that task. The confusion is further compounded when they have names like Sam or Jamie or, well, Pat. This division is made up of teams that leave you scratching your heads each week with a “Well wait, last week they were a total Nancy but now…” We may never know, nor do we want to. Division Winner: NY Giants Rest of Division: Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons, Tennessee Titans, Washington Redskins
The “Still Nursing” Division
With these kids, you literally have to pry the tit out of their mouth. Crippled by fear of growing-up and actually act their age, these children become the doormat of their age bracket. “No, you cannot bring your blankie to the 3rd grade.” Sucking thumbs and hugging their mother’s leg, these kids will be bullied and picked on by everyone until they get their act together. Chronic bedwetting and bad dreams are also characteristic of these perpetual losers. Division Winner: Buffalo Bills Rest of Division: Cleveland Browns, Carolina Panthers, Arizona Cardinals
The “Little-Big-Man Complex” Division
Well what do we have here. A bunch of little piss-ants that just won’t go away. They are small, undersized for their age but man are they feisty. No one expects the 4ft kid to bully the bigger, faster kids. However, they always manage to sneak up on one or two. Watch out for these kids to be giving more promising kids swirlies and titty twisters before all is said and done. And forget about being able to do anything about it. They have to compensate for their height somehow. It just so happens it will be at your expense. Division Winner: Seattle Seahawks Rest of Division: St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders
The “Participation Trophy” Division
“You did well kid, not good enough, but I mean you showed up every week. Except for a few weeks when you didn’t show up, but I mean, your parents did pay that sign-up fee. I guess we owe you something. Here is a trophy that says you were a member of the team. But unless you want to be bullied by other actual competitors, I would highly recommend not displaying this anywhere. Oh, and by the way, the fact that your jersey looks as crisp and new as the day you got it should not be worn as a badge of honor. Save yourself some embarrassment later and go play around in the mud or roll down a grassy hill.” ‘Nuff said. Division Winner: Jacksonville Jaguars Rest of Division: Denver Broncos, Cincinnati Bengals
