As I See It: Face and Yaz
As part of a new running feature, each Friday one franchise owner will have the opportunity to write whatever they want in this space. This week’s guest writers are the Face and Yaz. It’s about time for a history lesson. the FMFL didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s about time to hear the story. Boys, take it away….
One Bad Day: Birth of a League
Friday, November 5, 2010, 2:35 EST. Don Mattingly is in his ten-by-twelve cubicle, working on a cash flow statement for his least favorite client. He is out of balance. Pouring over each line item and each Excel formula to see where his error lies, his headache intensifies, as his eyeballs dart back and forth mentally ticking in the numbers. Due first thing Monday, he wants to finish today so he can enjoy the weekend.
In the lower-right-hand corner of his screen, up pops an email alert: it’s the Executive Director with the latest on the Funny Money. Don clicks “save” on his spreadsheet and quickly checks out the email. This week’s lines are up. Here we go again. He spends the next 2 hours and 45 minutes analyzing the spreads, injury reports and six or seven handicapping web sites, playing what-ifs, daydreaming that he hits his wild card to perhaps make it to the Top Ten and get a little ink.
Along the way he wonders who the heck thought up this funny money idea anyways. The E.D. would lead you to believe it was him, but he changes the subject whenever you bring it up. Here goes…
Sunday, January 4, 1976, 12 noon. Fairview Park, Ohio. Seven Cleveland FUBARS were gathered at Hubie’s apartment for the NFL conference championship doubleheader. First game at 1:00 – Oakland vs. Pittsburgh on NBC, followed by Dallas vs. the L. A. Rams at 4:00 on CBS. These were the days the networks didn’t cooperate much; hardly any room between games.
“OK, I just called Pizza Joe…the line on the Pittsburgh game is Pittsburgh minus 6 ½, over-under 42 ½. Who do we like?” asked Abes, the inveterate banker, always wanting to take care of business while there was still time. “Hurry up, I gotta get this in, he gets busy around noon, especially before playoff games.”
Pizza Joe knew the FUBARS well, with Abes more often“dropping off” than “picking up” every Wednesday at Joe’s pizza shop. The 1975 season had been particularly brutal. On one visit Joe smirked that the FUBARS paid his two sons’ first semester tuition at St. Ignatius in Cleveland. Not chump change.
The Steelers, led by later-to-be NFL hall-of-famers Chuck Noll, Terry Bradshaw, Franco Harris, Lynn Swan, Mike Webster, Joe Greene, Jack Ham, Jack Lambert, Mel Blount, and several other All-Pros had just cruised through the regular season at 14-2, and were odds-on favorites to capture their second straight Super Bowl. God damn – eight hall-of-famers on the same squad. The Raiders, guided by their suspicious-looking head coach, John Madden, were the bad boys of the league, quarterbacked by the precise but usually hung-over Kenny “the Snake” Stabler, throwing to Cliff Branch and Dave Casper; with the defense including Ohio State’s Jack Tatum, widely-known as a “headhunter” who two years later would end the career of Darryl Stingley, paralyzing him from the chest down after a vicious hit coming across the middle. The Raiders’ kicker was 48-year old George Blanda, coming off his 26th season of professional football, and quite possibly playing his last game.
The game was to be played in drafty Three Rivers Stadium, on that worn, slippery Astroturf. Cloudy and 20 degrees; relative humidity 62%, wind 19 mph; wind chill minus 2 degrees. Bitterly cold all week, the Pittsburgh grounds crew covered the field with a tarp and pumped hot, moist air underneath, forming a bulbous tent. Unfortunately, the tarp ripped the night before the game, and the field literally became a sheet of ice near the perimeter of the field, and about 10 yards in. A zamboni machine was used to attempt to remove the ice the morning of the game. Madden went nuts, alleging the field was hosed down on purpose. Al Davis complained to Commissioner Pete Rozelle, who was at the game, to no avail.
Ben Dreith was the head referee, who was seemingly, coincidentally, always in the middle of games in which the spread made a difference.
“Pittsburgh will win, but not cover, so let’s take Oakland with the points” said the Tools, short for Mike Toula, the legendary Cleveland gambler known for his football handicapping streaks, mostly losing streaks. “That thief Ben Dreith will make sure of it.” Three days earlier Mike had gone 0-5 on New Year’s Day, losing, in order, the Cotton Bowl, Sugar Bowl, Orange Bowl and Rose Bowl with escalating wagers, the latter a crushing Dick Vermeil-led UCLA upset over Woody Hayes’ No. 1 Ohio State Buckeyes, 23-10. Tools had Ohio State and the over. Lost them both.
“That does it, we’re betting Pittsburgh,” said Hubie. “We’re going to listen to the Tools, who hasn’t won a game all year? This is the same guy who back in November lost a bet on an NBA game when his team scored a basket at the wrong end of the court. Jesus Christ, gimmee a break. Abes, put me down for $100 on Pittsburgh.” The Tools had an effect on the way guys wanted to bet.
“Put me down for $100,” said Larry.
“$100 for me, too,” added the Yaz.
“Aw, what the heck, $150; I’m up from last week’s division games,” said Checks, who picked up his moniker some years earlier, the result of a nasty habit of trying to cash personal checks in the midst of high-stakes poker games.
Abes then chimed in for $50; Face was in for $100. Tools begrudgingly went along for $200.
“Hey, how about a Steelers-Rams parlay?” said Face. “2.4-1 on your money. A mortal lock.” Checks’ eyes twinkled, always interested in a long-shot wager. The proposal went nowhere.
“OK, we’re in,” Abes said, as he hung up the phone. “Pittsburgh minus six-and-a-half, $880 to win $800.”
Would it be the FUBARS’ down payment for another semester of Joe’s sons’ tuition? Nope. No way. Not today. These Steelers were going to roll today.
After attacking a dozen or so all-beef hot dogs topped with Cleveland’s “stadium” mustard, and washed down by the first few of many, many cold beers, all settled in to listen to Curt Gowdy call the game, with Don Meredith and Al DeRogatis doing the color. Jim Simpson was on the sideline. A young, portly, afro-topped Bryant Gumble was to do a halftime report. Couldn’t get any better.
The first half ended 3-0 Pittsburgh, on Roy Gerela’s 36-yard field goal in the second quarter. Gerela during the 1975 season was 17/21 on field goals and 44/46 on extra points.
Halftime – Gowdy and Meredith have a chat with NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle. A good time to check out the latest lines on the Dallas game. “OK, just got off the phone with Joe. The four o’clock game has the Rams minus 3. Over-under at 44. Joe said the line’s moving, ‘cause everyone’s betting the shit out of the Rams. So if we like L. A., better get it in now, “ implored Abes. Getting it in early meant he didn’t have to wrestle with busy signals later. No call waiting in 1976. No internet either.
Nobody listened. We had to wait and see how the Pittsburgh game went in the second half. Smart handicappers wait until the last minute.
The third quarter was scoreless. “I’m telling you guys, we should have bet Oakland; you’ll see,” smirked the Tools.
Pittsburgh struck first in the fourth quarter, with Franco Harris barreling around left end 25 yards for the first TD of the game. Gerela kick.
Pittsburgh 10-0.
Oakland scored next, with Stabler hitting Mike Siani on a 14-yard pass across the middle. Blanda kick. 10-7.
Pittsburgh then countered with John Stallworth’s 20-yard touchdown catch in the corner of the end zone. The hold was botched on the extra point. No good. “That’ll come back to haunt us,” yipped Tools. Pittsburgh up by nine, 16-7.
3:35 EST. The Steelers are covering. Gotta call Pizza Joe by 4 o’clock. Abes is pacing, staying close to the phone.
3:48 EST. 1:52 remaining. The Steelers put the stop on Oakland and now have the ball. Raiders have two time outs. The Steelers will run the clock out on this possession. Piece of cake. Abes is really nervous.
“Let’s roll it all on the Rams; get it in Abes,” cried Yaz. Everyone agreed. “Hurry up and make sure you get it in by the 4:00 o’clock kickoff.” Abes, who was sitting next to the phone much like Michael Corleone the night of Don Vito’s ambush, miraculously got through on the first try.
“It’s in. $880 to win $800, Rams minus 3. Most we can lose today is 80 bucks.”
Pittsburgh’s ball with 1:37 to go, second and two. Yes. Notre Dame’s Terry Hanratty now in for Terry Bradshaw, who was knocked out of the game and in the locker room, handed off to Franco Harris. Fumble.
Oakland’s ball. Time out. Clock stopped at 1:31. Holy dick.
“Gimmee another beer,” said Larry.
Face ripped open a second pack of Winston reds, firing one up in the process.
“Not a problem. We just gotta stop them from scoring a TD; a field goal does them no good,“ rationalized Hubie.
67 seconds later, with 24 seconds left, the Raiders had a first down at the Pittsburgh 24-yard line. Time out. Now no timeouts left for Oakland.
On the next play, Stabler launched a pass intended for Morris Bradshaw who, going for the grab, flattened a ten-year-old kid standing next to end zone. Incomplete.
17 seconds left. Second and ten. Two more shots into the end zone for the Snake. Just knock down two passes and we’re home free.
Tools tried to get one more in: “I’m tellin’ ya….”
He was interrupted by Don Meredith’s southern twang: “Blanda’s coming on to kick a field goal…”
Field goal? Did we hear that right? Dandy Don, tell us you’re joking. Field goal? On second down? With 17 seconds left? No way. Is Madden crazy? They’re down by nine, not one, two or three. They need a touchdown, not a field goal. They’re right there at the 24. Get the touchdown, then recover an onside kick, go 30-some yards in twelve-ish seconds and then kick the field goal. That’s the way to do it.
Even if they try one, how can a 48-year old straight-ahead placekicker make a 41-yard field goal at Three Rivers, on one of the worst fields in the history of the playoffs, into a 20 mile-per-hour wind and the temperature now at 10 degrees? For Christ’s sake, the guy has no ass and his pants are near falling down as he jogs onto the field…
Gowdy made the call: “George Blanda…..Stabler to hold….kicks it…up…and the kick is good with 12 seconds to go! Now that makes it 16-10.” Utter silence.
“Who didn’t know that?” observed the Tools.
“Madden has to have money on this game. I’ll never bet football again in my life.” said Checks.
Oakland would recover the onside kick and the game would end as time ran out with a Kenny Stabler pass to Cliff Branch at the Steelers’ 15. But it didn’t matter.
Final: Pittsburgh 16, Oakland 10. On the pizza shop ledger it was Oakland 16 ½ , Pittsburgh 16.
“I told you guys…you wouldn’t listen,” chortled the Tools. “Let’s hope those Rams cover…”
It was now 4:15 EST. “Quick, turn the channel and check the score of the Rams game,” screamed Larry.
It was 7-0 Dallas, en route to a 37-7 Dallas blowout. The Rams’ only score was in the fourth quarter after Dallas had built up a 34-0 lead. Good night nurse.
Bad day. Man did we get screwed. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. But it didn’t matter; no one was listening. The field didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that the Steelers turned the ball over seven times, with four fumbles and three interceptions. Didn’t matter Lynn Swann got driven head first into the frozen turf, suffering a concussion, having to leave the game; same for Terry Bradshaw. That missed extra point didn’t matter either. That Ben Dreith might have altered the game with questionable calls – pointless. That the very last thing George Blanda did on a professional football field was kick an ultimately meaningless field goal to sink the FUBARS – icing on the cake. It was still a loss. It was in the cards. Worst day in FUBAR history.
“There’s gotta be a better way,” said one of Fubes.
“I dropped a car payment today,” added another.
There was a better way. That summer six of those FUBARS (everybody except the Tools) formed the FUBAR Funny Money Football League, and decided to bet mythical money instead of real money, starting with the 1976 NFL season.
* * * * *
The way we see it, because of that bad day, right now you are sitting at your computer reading this.
It’s why Don Mattingly frittered away the rest of that Friday afternoon, and had to go in over the weekend, hung over, to finish the cash flow statement – only to discover it was a transposition error.
The way we see it, if not for that bad day, the Executive Director can’t gloat that he’s organized this great idea via a web site, and is reloading his online account every Sunday morning, along with the rest of the younger guys in this league. If not for that one, bad day.
Epilogue
Two weeks later, Pittsburgh won their second straight Super Bowl by beating the Dallas Cowboys, 21-17 at the Orange Bowl in Miami. The 4-point victory was not enough to cover the 7-point spread. The FUBARS recovered most of their January 4 losses by betting the Cowboys, with Checks leading the charge.
George Blanda announced his retirement shortly after the Super Bowl. In its meeting in January 1981, the Pro Football Hall of Fame’s Board of Selectors recognized the legendary contributions George had made to the game and rewarded him with a near-unanimous vote for Hall membership in his first year of eligibility. He died in September 2010 at the age of 83.
The FUBAR Funny Money Football League is currently in the midst of its 35th season. Total franchises are at 24, and the league is run by second-generation FUBARS. They do not have a web site. There exists a low-level rumor that merger discussions are underway.
Pizza Joe ended his bookie career in 1979, retiring untouched by the long arm of the law. He died in 2002. There is no plaque at the pizza shop saying the FUBARS paid his kids’ St. Ignatius tuition for the 1975-76 school year.
Mike Toula died in 1997, at age 44, the victim of a heart attack and years of tough gambling losses, including the NFL conference championship doubleheader that was watched at Hubie’s on January 4, 1976. One of the divisions of the FFMFL is named in his memory. Long live the Tools.
* * * * *
Box score
Various TV stills of the game
On the icy field conditions (great)
Highlight reel:
NBC beginning of the game
First quarter action
Second quarter action
Third quarter action
Fourth quarter action
Steeler missed extra point at 6:31
Harris fumble at 1:30; Blanda field goal at 6:00
Franco Harris scores
John Stallworth scores
End of game pass to Cliff Branch
