Vegas Odds from Rick Moranis
(Editor’s note: Each season, we like to have a franchise that is not involved in the playoffs to write a preview of the franchises to beat. Luckily, most seasons, Rick Moranis has failed to make the playoffs and has accepted this duty. And now, your 2012 FMFL Playoff Odds courtesy of Frederick Allan Moranis.)
Greetings from The Tangiers in Las Vegas. In failing yet again to win a playoff position, my long-awaited vacation to the real shores of Gibraltar remains on hold as I slum it here in the desert. On the bright side, my annual consolation prize is that I get lay down the playoff odds. Call my friend Johnny Jersey Guidone to place your bets – 1-800-JABRONI (1-800-522-7664):
Larisa Oleynik: 2012 is a critical year for The President. It’s so critical that he called this morning and asked for two vital pieces of information concerning matters of national importance for the New Year: the consensus chalk picks for the Funny Money playoffs and Iowa caucuses. The answers? Larissa Oleynik (returning champion) and anybody but Rick Santorum (who cares).
Odds: 4 to 3
Karl Farbman: Perennial contender Karl is back in the playoffs again (yawn). The odds that he’ll win the playoffs are high again (eyes closing). In fact, they are the same odds as last year (zzzzzzzzz).Will anyone be surprised if The Executive Director’s winner’s check doesn’t even leave his zip code? Vegas has your answer, sleepyheads.
Odds: 3 to 1
Will Cover: Who will cover? Will Cover will cover!!! Vegas loves a great joke as much as it loves W.C.’s playoff chances. Also, my 2012 calendar is still available for birthday and bachelorette parties.
Odds: 7 to 2
Ron Mexico: Ron’s runner-up finish in 2010 reminded him that segunda place is really the primera loser. No mas, says he. Ron wants the title this year and is polishing his golden sombrero in anticipation of victory. Vegas, however, remains ambivalent due to his late season slide.
Odds: 6 to 1
Bud Fox: This item has been waiting years to write the line, “Blue Horseshoe loves Bud Fox.” Alas, with the Eurozone currently unpredictable as it is, you just can’t really bet on hotshot brokers right now. #DoNotOccupy these odds.
Odds: 8 to 1
Blossom Russo: “Whooooaaaa!” Somewhere, Joey Lawrence is smiling as Blossom Russo returns to the playoffs. Actually, that somewhere is right here next to me at the Tangiers pool. His gut has really, how you say, blossomed in the wrong way, kinda like his old pal’s playoff chances this year.
Odds: 10 to 1
Don Mattingly: The Donald’s transformation is complete. He has gone from being a pretty good player on a mediocre team to a mediocre manager that can occasionally deliver some pretty good picks, all thanks to his numbers man. His reward is finally clinching a playoff berth, but Vegas still bets that he’ll never make the Hall of Fame.
Odds: 12 to 1
The People’s Champ: The Champ is back punching at a welterweight class. A former heavy that has toiled the past few seasons with the lights, he has aims this year of reclaiming the belt. He’s even dusted off his Little Mac pink jogging suit to make a run at the title. The A.B.T. can only wish that one day he’ll wear pink too.
Odds: 12 to 1
Babe: Babe returns to the playoffs for another year, but this time he sneaks in on the last day as the last seed. That said, the pundits panned Green Bay and VCU last year and look what they did. In 2012 the pundits happen to like Babe – the problem here is that they like his chances in the upcoming XBOX Halo tournament and not so much in the FMFL playoffs.
Odds: 15 to 1
Rick Moranis: Chances that I’ll be writing this preview again next year? 2 to 1. Book it now, them some good odds. I’ll see you at the pool.
