The Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: In past seasons, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, has done us the honor of previewing the league. This year, he goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Hello and welcome back. It has been seven months since the last meaningful NFL game was played. I hope you have used these many months off to listen to something you find enjoyable, like a piano concerto, the crickets chirping in your backyard, or a modern pop song containing the obligatory little rap verse. Now that the NFL is back, however, this is what you’ll be listening to as you follow your wagers this fall:
“This team has been absolutely decimated by injuries.”
“He took off around the edged and scampered in for a touchdown.”
“He’s a real football player.”
Let’s set the record straight: Roman armies “decimated” their vanquished rivals, it is a young deer that “scampers” spritely through the woods, and the last time I checked robots have yet to replace men on the gridiron. OK? Good. Just don’t tell Dan Dierdorf or Ron Jaworski. They’ll stare at you while primping their mustaches before pounding you with their microphone props, all while Jon Gruden watches. These guys! These guys are real commentators!
In their dubious honor, here are the team-by-team odds for winning the 2012 Funny Money Football Regular Season as they’d be proclaimed by a football commentator, watching football players play football, on the football field, in the National Foot…::HITS MUTE BUTTON::
EAST DIVISION
“The most heated rivalries are in the East. Games in other divisions seem like friendly encounters between good-natured sports compared to the ones in the East. Why? Because those teams don’t play in the East division where the rivalries are fierce!”
Karl Farbman
“Every year, this guy is just near the top. You talk about parity in the Funny Money Football League. Dynasties. You gotta hand it to this front office. Good division drafts, good game-day betting plans. This is what winning division titles is all about. Commitment to character. Special teams.”
Odds: 7 to 2
Boss Hardigan
“This guy hired his brother as ‘Betting Coordinator’ for this season. Smart move. Their father has been grooming them for the wagering lifestyle ever since breaking down pick-making film with them in North Jersey during the late 80’s.”
Odds: 12 to 1
Gordon Bombay
“He reminds me of Chad Johnson-Ochocinco-Johnson. He used to go by ‘Gordan’, ‘Gor-Dan’, and now he’s ‘Gordon’. Whatever he’s going to call himself next week, he can bet.”
Odds: 10 to 1
Mr. DeBlasis
“He was a teacher, DeBlasis was, before getting into funny money betting. Not many guys make that leap. I think that’s why he’s had a reputation as a ‘player’s bettor.’ Only one playoff berth, though, so ownership is demanding more accountability this year in place of a locker room harmony.”
Odds: 20 to 1
Teddy KGB
“Teddy KGB, talk about a guy that’s regressed. Playoffs his first year, hasn’t sniffed them since. Ownership is blaming an outdated stadium and lack of resources, but what matters is what you do on any given Sunday, as well as Thursday, Saturday, Monday, and this season, Wednesday.”
Odds: 1,000 to 1
The 21th Precinct
“The 21th Precinct needs to report some positive money statistics this year. A balanced attack keeps defenses on their toes. More wins than loses puts pressure on your divisional opponents. Fellas, it’s about making plays.”
Odds: 30 to 1
The Beard of Zeus
“He just looks like a football player. This is because he has a beard. He was born to RUN THE FOOTBALL in the North, but he is playing in the East.”
Odds: 8 to 1
NORTH DIVISION
“Teams in the North just LOVE to RUN THE FOOTBALL! Because it’s so cold! This stat sheet here says each team averages 50 passing attempts per game, and half the games are played in domes, but these teams just LOVE TO RUN THE FOOTBALL!”
Larissa Oleynik
“He, or she, or it, whatever, this thing won the regular season last year, so going by the standard, thoughtless, perfunctory pre-season prediction formula we all use, this means Larissa will win the regular season again this year.”
Odds: 5 to 2
Bayonnaise
“This guy is an athlete. Great time in the 5K and good in the pool and on the bike. But he needs to bulk up his betting skills! I saw him putting up more reps in Vegas during the offseason. He’s got a shot to be a player in this league.”
Odds: 18 to 1
Kimmy Gibbler
“Kimmy Gibbler. Had everyone excited back in 2008 with the franchise’s first playoff berth. You know Kimmy still has a winning record despite only one playoff berth? This league, you’ve got to have more than a winning record to succeed. You’ve got to have a really good winning record for success in the FMFL.”
Odds: 8 to 1
Ron Mexico
“The National Football League has been playing games in London, Tokyo, Toronto and Mexico. Globalization is the big thing today. And tomorrow, with expansion. The Funny Money Football League has got this guy, Ron Mexico, and he’s got literal expansion written all over him. Second place last year! Don’t get in his way at the buffet line.”
Odds: 7 to 1
The Phoenix
“I’ve read some Greek mythology, phoenix rising, Homer. Achilles today would be a linebacker! His heel, ha, his Achilles Heel though is making bets! Good thing he’s got Helen of Troy. She’s going to be on ‘Dancing With the Stars of Antiquity’ tonight following football and 60 Minutes, except on the west coast.”
Odds: 100 to 1
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
“Made a strong push near the end but faded at the finish line last year. You’ve gotta give it your all for 17 weeks in the Funny Money Football League. Guys just want to get nasty and take things from you. Happened in 2009, too. He’ll be OK though, this guy, because he’s been through the battles.”
Odds: 15 to 1
Yaz
“What a veteran. You know, you can’t teach how to be a veteran. He didn’t perform well last year, but because he’s a veteran I still think you’ve gotta like this guy. He just has so much fun being a kid out there slinging guns.”
Odds: 4 to 1
SOUTH DIVISION
“People love football in the South, but only college, particularly the SEC. These teams in the South may be good, wait until they have to go on the road in the North and play in the cold. Those North teams will just RUN THE FOOTBALL all over them!”
Will Cover
“Rough rookie year, added that sophomore swagger and SURGED into the playoffs. I’m really excited about what’s in store for this third year. I just love the number three, my number in college. Man, look at all that hair I had!”
Odds: 5 to 1
Babe
“I think he’s going to have a good season. On Thanksgiving, this guy is my pick to win the Turkey Gyroducken award, which is a duck and chicken gyro, made with turkey.”
Odds: 10 to 1
Don Mattingly
“Don Mattingly, this guy actually became two guys last year, and last year had a pretty good year. For this year, I see these twos guys having a pretty good year. I hear for this year got some old WD-40 for The Machine, this year.”
Odds: 12 to 1
Mr Marbles
“Good thing Mr. Marbles still has all his marbles after that hit he took last year. POW! He’ll shake it off, because he’s tough. He’s got dirt on his shirt and tie!”
Odds: 15 to 1
Rick Moranis
“So I said to her, ‘Honey, this guy shrunk his winnings account!’ But in all seriousness, betting on the Canadian Football League isn’t the same as betting on the National Football League as part of the Funny Money Football League.”
Odds: 10,000 to 1
T-Ferg
“In high school, as quarterback, I drove a T-Bird around town. I had a coach sit me down, look me in the eye and say, ‘It’s not about what you drive, but how you play.’ I still remember those words T-Ferg has got to realize that in this league, to get that ring, it’s about how you bet.”
Odds: 20 to 1
The Notorious A.B.T.
“I’ll tell ya what. He was just born to be a betting coach. Average talent, doesn’t get himself onto the leaderboard very much, but he’s smart, no frills, and just sees the game really well. I’d interview him in five years, that’s for sure.”
Odds: 40 to 1
WEST DIVISION
“These teams would all go 5-11 in the East, because they are just not used to real rivalries.”
Bud Fox
“Every league has got to have someone really cocky. This guy, this guy came into league with a lot of talk and made the playoffs. Let me tell you something, the Funny Money Football League playoffs are a different beast. Men and boys, separating. I’ll tell ya, big rookie learning experience. This guy is now really humble. Team player, locker room, charity outings. I like where they’re going.”
Odds: 8 to 1
Art Schlichter
“Now here’s a guy that really knows how to plan the most important event of any week, hands-down: the tailgate. Great koozies, too. But while perfecting his chili recipe, he’s forgotten how to place good bets.”
Odds: 15 to 1
Blossom Russo
“Russo is one of the originals. Great early years, lost some pieces and had a horrible year in 2010. Quietly rebuilt things in 2011 to make the playoffs, but was probably a year away. The fan base is now reenergized. Just look at those guys! Standing out there in the freezing weather without shirts on. That’s what this betting league is all about right there.
Odds: 8 to 1
Face
“I just love his nickname. Face. Say that again. Man, just sounds like he wants to get in there and push some guys off the line.”
Odds: 20 to 1
Kenny Powers
“Kenny Powers. Let me tell you something about Kenny Powers. He played in the league for a few years, average, left and then came back with an expansion franchise. Reminds me a lot of the Cleveland Browns. Otto Graham played in Cleveland, and he was a football player.”
Odds: 25 to 1
Kiko Garcia
“Big first year for Kiko. Came crashing back down to earth last year. You know what that tells me? His true colors are probably somewhere in the middle. In the Funny Money Football League, the middle is always open.”
Odds: 12 to 1
The People’s Champ
“All you’ve got to do to win the Funny Money Football Leauge is get into the playoffs of the Funny Money Football League. Just ask this guy. He’ll tell you all about it. Twice.”
Odds: 3 to 1
