Don Mattingly’s 2012 Season Preview
(Editor’s note: Before the season begins, we like to get another look at how the 2012 FMFL campaign might unfold. Don Mattingly is given carte blanche to write whatever he wants. The result is below. Enjoy.)
In late 1991, the WWF Championship was upheld due to several controversial finishes between old-time strongman and real American Hulk Hogan and then-newcomer the Undertaker. It was then decided by WWF President Jack Tunney (he was basically the Executive Director of the WWF to put this into perspective) to award the WWF Championship to the winner of the 1992 Royal Rumble. Clearly the stakes were raised, as the top “superstars” vied for the oh, so coveted title. Now twenty years later, it’s clear that the 2012 FMFL season is destined to mirror the 1992 Royal Rumble – a controversial betting strategy (Giants! Giants!! Giants!!!) employed by The People’s Champ to ‘wrestle’ away the 2011 title from long-time stalwart Karl Farbman, leading to an epic battle where anyone can claim the gold! Let’s take a look at each franchise, comparing them to a 1992 Royal Rumble participant, in the order of their elimination.
28. Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase – Babe
Believe me, I was just as shocked as you to be informed that none other than the great Million Dollar Man was the first to go in the Rumble, but alas, sometimes even the greatest competitors, businessmen, and, quite frankly, indentured servant owners have bad days. Similarly, I think that Babe, one of the all-time greats has just spent way too much time bulking up on gyros and worrying about nuptial plans to really be a factor this season. The worst thing is that he doesn’t even own a diamond studded suit.
27. Nikolai Volkoff – Face
Here’s a softball – did anyone really think Nikolai Volkoff was going to win this shebang? Does anyone really think Face has a chance?
26. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine – The 21th Precinct
The 21th Precinct used to strike fear into the hearts of his opponents, just like The Hammer, but at this point, they’re both essentially longshots.
25. Repo Man – Kiko Garcia
Repo Man was once known as Smash – a member of former tag team juggernaut Demolition, however, the man with tire tracks on his leotard known for sneaking around the ring before his matches just, for some odd reason, never caught on with the fans. Kiko Garcia also has a history of being a great tag team of yesteryear but has just never caught on in the ranks of FMFL.
24. The British Bulldog – Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Always sort of stuck in the mid-card, never quite a main eventer – the definition of the British Bulldog and Waldo Geraldo Faldo. It also came out years after his death – he died of a heart attack supposedly brought on by the use of steroids, a rare way to die for a 1980s professional wrestler I’m told – that he used to drug and rape his wife, so you do the math with this pick. No means yes, Waldo…
23. The Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich – Mr. DeBlasis
The Texas Tornado was a notorious drug user who became addicted to pain killers after having his foot amputated in 1986. 1992 was a make or break year for the Tornado, just like I feel 2012 will be a make or break year for Mr. DeBlasis. How did it work out for the Tornado? He ended up killing himself in 1993, a day after being indicted on prescription drug forgery, so…good luck with all that, Mr. D.
22. Tito Santana – The Notorious ABT
A favorite of many wrestling “insiders” for his tireless work ethic and pure wrestling ability, Tito was never really able to hit his ceiling as a title threat and became merely a “jobber to the stars”. ABT, I feel is incredibly similar. Both have the ability and pedigree to challenge for the title, but something just tells me that by the end of his run in the FMFL, he will be looked at more as a favorite amongst FMFL bloggers and stat heads than as a former championship contender.
21. Shawn Michaels – Don Mattingly
The similarities are endless – both are known as moody, immature, prima donnas who are more concerned about looking out for number one than anyone else around them. 1992 began Shawn’s meteoric rise to the top of the WWF, but, alas, the title would not be his at this time. The Donald is clearly a franchise on the rise in FMFL and will most likely go down as the greatest of all time when it’s all said and done, but I just don’t see 2012 as his year.
20. The Barbarian – Kimmy Gibbler
19. Hercules – Teddy KGB
Both known more for their bark than their bite, the Barbarian and Hercules could just never gain much momentum in the WWF and eventually faded into wrestling obscurity, known mainly by 90s wrestling nerds and, well…I guess that’s about it. Unfortunately, I see Kimmy Gibbler and Tedd KGB both suffering similar fates in the FMFL.
18. The Big Boss Man – Ron Mexico
This man of the law was just always teetering on the brink of a huge run, but was always too busy fending off the likes of heated rival The Mountie to really make anything of himself. Finishing seventh last season, Ron Mexico similarly always seems to be one lucky push away from superstardom, but instead will be relegated to the outside looking in.
17. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – Beard of Zeus
Just like the Superfly, the Beard’s best days are clearly behind him at this point. Sure, there was once a time when opponents shook in fear at the mere thought of stepping into the squared circle against such a titan, but he’s now merely a shell of his former self. Don’t get me wrong, fans will still clamor for The Beard much like they did for Superfly, but will he be champion? Give me a break, my man.
16. Jake “The Snake” Roberts – Gordon Bombay
Once one of the most successful franchises in FMFL, Gord’s golden days are definitely long gone. Much like Jake, Gord was once known for striking fear into his FMFL opponents with mind games and fear mongering opposing franchises about the Patriots inability to cover huge spreads. Do I see Gord’s decline going as far as Jake’s? In other words, will he develop a serious alcohol and crack problem, leading to a downward spiral of deceit, weight gain, and an incident where he exposes his real “snake” to a crowd of shocked “fans” at a wrestling show in a high school gym? In the words of one of my favorite 90s albums…”Definitely, maybe”.
15. Colonel Mustafa – Kenny Powers
The Iron Sheik left the WWF in the late 80s, only to return, rebranded as Iraqi sympathizer Colonel Mustafa in a less than memorable run. In a similar vein, Kenny Powers returns to the FMFL after a year away from the game. Unfortunately for Kenny, I’m predicting a similar failure upon his return.
14. The Undertaker – The People’s Champ
The seemingly devastating, monstrous former champ dumped out of the Rumble mid-way through. How could this happen? Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains. The People’s Champ got hot at the right time last season, and rode that momentum to his second FMFL title in 2011. Much like the Taker, I feel like the People’s Champ will go down as one of the most storied franchises in FMFL history, I just don’t see 2012 as his year.
13. The Berzerker – Bud Fox
A promising newcomer, the Berzerker had a good run at the Rumble, but was anyone really nervous that a dude dressed like a Norseman would take home the title? Bud Fox has had a similar rise to the top of the FMFL, but I just don’t see him as a real threat at the end of the day.
12. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan – Mr. Marbles
A huge crowd favorite, Hacksaw always came to the ring with a vengeance and a two by four, but was always left playing second fiddle to the Hulkster and the Ultimate Warrior in terms of being “the guy”. Senor Marbles (I believe it’s actually pronounced mar-blace), despite being the third most successful franchise in FMFL history can never quite surpass his counterparts, Karl or Larisa.
11. Virgil – Rick Moranis
One thing that wrestling historians seem to casually glance over when discussing the Golden Era of the 80s, is that it was not frowned upon for one wrestler to essentially own another wrestler. In 1991, Virgil finally, for lack of a better phrase, broke free from the chains of the Million Dollar Man and went on a strong run. However, by the time 1992 rolled around, fans just wised up and realized that they couldn’t take this clown seriously anymore. Like Virgil, I expect Rick to make his annual run, but in the end, he’ll just be left sitting lonely at baseball card shows, trying to creepily hawk autographed polaroids of himself at Freehold RACEWAY Mall.
10. Skinner – The Phoenix
The consummate dark horse lackey who just hangs on long enough to give the real stars a scare.
9. Sgt. Slaughter – Will Cover
The Sarge had a monstrous 1991, stunning many fans by turning against the US of A, aligning himself with Saddam Hussein, and taking the title from the Ultimate Warrior, proving once and for all that wrestling and politics DO mix. A year later, though, the Sarge was just as washed up as ever. Will Cover stunned many in FMF circles by taking his division’s crown last season. Like the Sarge, I predict a fall back to earth for this veteran.
8. Irwin R. Shyster (IRS) – Boss Hardigan
What’s more intimidating than a wrestling accountant? Surely not a pair of FMFL brothers pairing up to take on the top stars of the FMFL world. Like IRS, Boss Hardigan will enjoy his moments in the sun, but he’ll always just be fodder for the big boys.
7. The Warlord – Bayonnaise
There was no reason for the roided up freak known as the Warlord to be this close to a WWF title, just like there’s no reason for FMF fitness enthusiast Bayonnaise to be this close to a FMFL title.
6. Rick “The Model” Martel – T-Ferg
Much like T-Ferg, the Model was a savvy veteran known for his arrogance, incredibly handsome demeanor, and way with the lady folk. Also, much like T-Ferg, the Model routinely fell victim to his own miscues and could never quite muster up a legit run at the top.
Now we’re starting to get into the nitty gritty..the guys that actually have a shot at taking home the prize…
5. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper – Blossom Russo
Piper resurrected his career in 1992, even obtaining the WWF’s second rate title – the Intercontinental Championship, but much like many of the other jokers we’ve seen, could never get over the hump. Blossom Russo has just been so close to the promised land in the FMFL on a number of occasions but has never been able to take that next step – 2012 should be no different.
4. Randy “Macho Man” Savage – Art Schlichter
Macho Man’s and Art’s best days were definitely in the late 80s. They also share similarly creepy bromances with Hulk Hogan/Karl Farbman. After several years of toiling around, Macho Man burst back onto the scene in 1992 with a strong showing at the Rumble. Despite not winning the title that night, his career did go on to have a strong second life. Art, similarly, enjoyed years of success before meandering in relative obscurity in the FMFL the last few seasons. I predict Art will get his act together and pose a serious threat to the top franchises of FMF in 2012.
3. Hulk Hogan – Karl Farbman
2. Sid Justice – Yaz
1. Ric Flair – Larisa Oleynik
Then there were three. In the actual match, seemingly insurmountable odds for Ric as both the Hulkster and Sid gang up on the Nature Boy, but wait…Sid suddenly turns on the Hulkster and tosses him out of the Rumble. Then as Sid mouths off at Hogan, who’s now outside of the ring, Ric sneaks behind him and tosses him out to claim the title, yet another notch in the belt of the former champion.
How do I see this going down? Some sort of weird truce between FMFL favorites Farbman and Yaz to bet similarly on the Super Bowl, thus keeping former FMFL champion Larisa out of the money. But wait! Yaz turns on Karl and goes against the truce, and Larisa takes home the title over Yaz via tie breaker – karmic retribution. However, unlike Ric Flair, I hope to never see a phone camera photo of Larisa’s dong 15 years after this battle. Actually, yes, yes I do…WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
