Vegas Odds from Rick Moranis
(Editor’s note: Each season, we like to have a franchise that is not involved in the playoffs to write a preview of the franchises to beat. Luckily, most seasons, Rick Moranis has failed to make the playoffs and has accepted this duty. And now, your FMFL Playoff Odds courtesy of Frederick Allan Moranis.)
It has become abundantly clear to yours truly that the Executive Director keeps inviting me to participate in the Funny Money Football League so that he can have someone penned in at the beginning of the year to write the Playoff Preview column. He’s pretty lazy, but I don’t begrudge him. After all, I sit here once again at the Tangiers, enjoying every last drop of my all-expenses paid post-season getaway to bring you this preview.
For those of you no longer in the competition, I offer my condolences. Trust me, I know how it feels. When you bet your wild card against the Jets and they choose that game to make Mark Sanchez look like Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, and Steamin’ Willie Beamon all rolled into one it’s either not your year or you are just not good at wagering on professional football games. Whichever camp you see yourself in, there’s always next year, my man. But for those still alive and playing for the pot of cash at the other side of the rainbow, below are the “official” odds for winning the 2012-13 Funny Money Football championship. I hope that the Executive Director has not taken liberties with $125 donation you made back in the summer in the same way the old President of Operation Smile – Loyola Chapter did during his reign of fiscal terror. Good luck to you and to the agents trying to find that cash.
Yaz: Right around the time Old Man Winter began blowing his icy breath Old Man Yaz turned on the juice and made his standard late-season push. Peyton Manning has proven one can still excel with a repaired spine and a single good knee. Yaz doesn’t even have half of a good knee left, but he has that sage experience. El favorito. Odds: 5:2
Bayonnaise: My oh my! Bayonnasie had no late bets AND won the regular season title! Given that we have collectively survived Y2K, the passing of Hale-Bopp, Alien vs. Predator, and the turning over of the Mayan calendar I suppose we can endure anything, but if Naise does the double and also wins the playoff championship I think the sun will explode. Still, there are good odds of that actually happening. Odds: 3:1
Gordon Bombay: Pardon me if I’ve used this bit before, but myself and a few friends once witnessed a young gentleman introduce himself to his future wife (?) at a bar with, “I’m Gordon Bombay. Nice to meet you.” That guy was legit. The person who calls himself Gordon in the FMFL isn’t that guy, but the mere name association tells you he’s partially got it figured out. Odds: 4:1
The 21th Precinct: The phonetically and mathematically challenged FMFL franchise had a really nice year, raking in $2,000 and claiming the top wild card spot. The Precinct looks poised to also have a really nice playoff run, but finish just outside the money. Odds are he finishes 4st. Odds: 7:1
Beard of Zeus: Zeus has been plucking little crumb nuggets of gold out of godly beard all season long, but with a division title in sight and Gordon losing his wild card bet in the final week, he failed to get over the hump of Mt. Olympus. (The Packers? C’mon, guy.) Whatever, because that’s where he lives and all, but this is a bad time to catch a cold streak. Some hot tea, a few Ricolas, and a solid first week of the playoffs could go a long way towards curing his ills. Odds: 8:1
Will Cover: The man who refused to go away! Will grabbed the South by the absolute horns early, was briefly bucked by The Donald, but triumphantly reclaimed the top spot by riding the salt of the earth, backbone of America, working-class heroes known as the Tennessee Tee-tans during the final week. Joe Biden could not be more proud. Unfortunately, Will has about as good of a chance at winning the big title as Delaware has at becoming anything more than a spare-part state. Odds: 12:1
Face: Somebody punched Face in the face during week 17 and he almost fell off the…face…of the earth and lost $500. Not a good sign heading into the playoffs. Can he save…himself…and make a playoff run? Probably not. (Thought I was going to say “save face,” didn’t you?) Odds: 15:1
Blossom Russo: Blossom always seems to be pretty at this, doesn’t she? The franchise owns a top five all-time win percentage, has been to the playoffs four out of six years, and had a runner-up finish in 2007. So why are her odds so low for this year? Yeah, that’s got me too. Maybe it’s because she’s a girl and wore that stupid hat on her TV show back in the 90’s. First impressions tend to matter to the odds makers at the Tangiers. Odds: 20:1
Bud Fox: Something just tells me Bud Fox isn’t going to have a good playoffs. I mean, Wall Street 2 really sucked (I haven’t seen it, but that’s the general Ebert as well as Roper consensus). I’m just going to base his odds off of that. Look, Rick Moranis finished the year in last place at -$1,800, so I understand if you want to call a spade a spade and agree to disagree on this one, but that’s the way it is. Prove me wrong, Bud. Odds: 30:1
So there you have it. A healthy and happy 2013 to everyone. I’ll see ya’ll in the fall for my 2013-14 Season Preview where I will make the same jokes about the fashion stylings of the Notorious A.B.T. and Babe eating gyros and playing video games.
