The Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: In past seasons, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, has done us the honor of previewing the league. This year, he goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Last year, whilst hanging out at The Tangiers, I snuck into a Norm MacDonald set. What a guy. Remember his old Larry King bit during the Kevin Nealon glory years of SNL? This preview, replete with odds I picked out of a hat, is somewhat reminiscent of those sketches (at least a few of them are, anyway). Here we go, gang.
EAST DIVISION
A veritable murderer’s row lane
Gordon Bombay – Much like Billy Madison upon his return to Knibb High School, listening to “The Stroke” always fires up Gordon for an intense day of consulting.
Odds: 8 to 1
Blossom Russo – Blossom ‘s tough off-season was spent holed-up at the Señor Frog’s in Myrtle Beach, where after another long night she demanded they change the name to “Mr.” Frog’s. The Spanglish that has been eating away at her ever since has unfortunately gotten much, much worse.
Odds: 15 to 1
Bud Fox – This may come as a shock to some of you, but Bud “The Stud” Fox is adamant that he’s always been an Emilio guy. That declaration aside, you can’t argue with the pedigree.
Odds: 10 to 1
Karl Farbman – Rumor has it that Karl Farbman nee Hungus was last seen boarding a shady helicopter in The Philippines with the last few bags of money from the WePay vault.
Odds: 6 to 1
Larissa Oleynik – Is anyone else kind of tired of Larissa winning every year? Seriously, what’s her secret? Is she sleeping with Alan Fong?
Odds: 5 to 2
Ron Mexico – A notorious albino, Ron avoids the hot Mexican sun by never going sans sleeves. His alias exists simply to fool the law.
Odds: 10 to 1
Yaz – I’ve gone to my wheelhouse many times in previews of Yaz and said that he is old. That’s because Yaz is old. Not quite grocery shopping at 7 a.m. old, but he’s getting there.
Odds: 5 to 1
NORTH DIVISION
Abraham Lincoln’s strike force
Bayonnaise – This is a guy who routinely runs a 15-miler an hour before his scheduled departure time, misses his flight, and still ends up arriving early, covered in mustard, aboard a private jet with the Swedish Bikini Team. Don’t act so surprised that he prefers mustard to mayo.
Odds: 8 to 1
Art Schlichter – Schlichter sounds like the name of beer my dad used to drink in college that has reemerged to become en vogue in urban hipster districts, aka “The Arts”.
Odds: 25 to 1
Boss Hardigan – Boss Hardigan and I had a serious heart-to-heart discussion at the end of last season where I tried to convince him to change his name to “Commander” Hardigan. He just refused to consider, and we parted on dubious terms.
Odds: 15 to 1
Don Mattingly – What do Dave Grohl, He-Man, and Cito Gaston all have in common? After spending nearly all of his off-season hours pondering this core question of our time, Don was only able to come up with, “How say The Tejas Tornado?” The fans just don’t see this boding well.
Odds: 15 to 1
Mr. Marbles – Unlike Blossom, Marbles has really started to embrace his inner señor, and has vowed to become the FMFL’s new Tex-Mex darling. His first move was to dump his doomsday stockpile of nacho Cheese Wiz in favor of shredded jack, truly a genuine effort.
Odds: 15 to 1
The Big Hurt – Frank Thomas was essentially the high water mark of baseball players wearing large crowned hats on the very tops of their heads. (See also: outstandingly tight pants.) Days like these are when I just pine for the early 90s.
Odds: 100 to 1
The Phoenix – Nowhere else to go but up, my man.
Odds: 5,000 to 1
SOUTH DIVISION
Waiting for someone to rise, again.
Will Cover – Essentially the Michael Musto of the FMFL, his fine record of bets and winnings over the years was recently published as La Dolce Cover.
Odds: 4 to 1
Babe – Turning his back on the gyro for his pending nuptials (wait, what?), Babe has cleaned up his eating act. If it’s not pan-seared now you might as well take it back. Babe, we hardly knew ye.
Odds: 20 to 1
Kiko Garcia – Those who know me well are familiar with my fondness for Streets of Rage II, in which the most common enemy is interchangeably known as Garcia/Galsia. I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon than by simultaneously taking out Wayne and a pack of Garcias with Axel’s special punch.
Odds: 40 to 1
Kimmy Gibbler – If the other franchises get on board with a circulating petition to start calling her Kimmy “Jib-ler”, we could all be in for a real treat this year.
Odds: 20 to 1
Rick Moranis – Let’s face it – I peaked with Strange Brew.
Odds: 10,000 to 1
The 21th Precinct – The reason why Hollywood loves Thomas Hayden Church so much is that he just excels in the everyman roles we all identify with. Have you seen him enjoy each and every class of wine he drinks in Sideways without judgment? You know the 21th Precinct agrees.
Odds: 12 to 1
The Notorious A.B.T. – I got to spend some time with A.B.T. this summer and learned that he really likes Caesar (pronounced Say-czar) salads. But he has mixed emotions about croutons, which seems a bit inconsistent.
Odds: 50 to 1
WEST DIVISION
Brought to you by spaghetti
Face – This just in, Face was once the world’s biggest Arli$$ fan, but he just can’t bring himself to get behind Bob Wuhl’s recent exploits.
Odds: 9 to 1
Kenny Powers – Sirs Merriam y Webster define power, among other things, as (1): ability to act or produce an effect (2): ability to get extra-base hits (3): capacity for being acted upon or undergoing an effect. Going 1 for 3 would be an admirable effort for Kenny.
Odds: 18 to 1
T-Ferg –Things T-Ferg loves: Mexican food, Yahoo! Sports, domestic autos, and gin. Just a young man trapped inside a middle-aged, Middle America man’s body.
Odds: 25 to 1
Teddy KGB – Teddy basically gives up hope midway through the season, so I’m giving up on his preview mid-sent….
Odds: 1,000 to 1
The Beard of Zeus – I’ve eaten his deep fried turkey, and it’s really good. (Pairs perfectly with a can of Schlichter Lite) If he came to me selling snake oil and bibles, I’d probably just give him the deed to my house.
Odds: 10 to 1
The People’s Champ – Allow me to indulge you for a moment with this quotation: “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.”- Dag Hammarskjold
Basically, a man with the name of an obscure, yet awesome Norwegian skier hath dissed our so-called “man of the people”. Who am I to disagree?
Odds: 10 to 1
Waldo Geraldo Faldo – As the proud owner of www.stevezahnismyace.com, Waldo is always pleased when the classic American film Sahara is on during his prime Sunday afternoon snacking time.
Odds: 20 to 1
That’s all she and he wrote. Remember, some of you will win, some of you will lose, and some of you will bet on the Chiefs. Good luck.
-Rick
