Don Mattingly’s 2013 Season Preview
(Editor’s note: Before the season begins, we like to get another look at how the 2013 FMFL campaign might unfold. For some reason, we continue to give Don Mattingly carte blanche to write whatever he wants. Here’s what he came up with. Enjoy.)
In honor of the ascension of the Big Hurt into the ranks of the 2013 FMFL, let’s take a peek at the Donald’s preseason picks, paying homage to one of the Big Hurt’s top nemesis – the 1992-93 Toronto Blue Jays…
Triple A
28. Huck Flener – Face
Some random clown I’ve never heard of…seems an appropriate comparison to the franchise one FMFL media member once dubbed the “Nikolai Volkoff of Funny Money.”
Consistent Stalwarts
27. Dave Stieb – Rick Moranis
26. Dave Stewart – The Phoenix
‘80s baseball fans could pencil in the Dave’s for 15-20 wins each and every year. Similarly, Funny Money fans can always count on a classic -$500, -$500, -$500 from these franchises week in and week out.
One Hit Wonders Presented by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
25. Ed Sprague – Bayonnaise
What’s the more shocking feat: Ed Sprague once put together a season of 36 homers and 101 RBI or Bayonnaise goes down in history as a FMFL champion?
24. Kelly Gruber – The Beard of Zeus
In the ‘90s, many circles considered Ed Sprague the modern day Kelly Gruber (Kelly Gruber actually went 31/118 in 1990!). Although many fans will remember Kelly for his 1992 autobiography Kelly Gruber: At Home on Third (this is not a joke, although I wish it was), I’ll always remember him as the guy with the great, blonde, Lex Luger-esque mullet in the midst of nearly every pack of 1991 Topps I opened up. I have a similar affinity towards the Beard of Zeus’ facial hair.
Middle Relief/Journeymen
23. Mike Timlin – Kenny Powers
22. Duane Ward – Art Schlichter
Much like Cito Gaston dialing up these late-inning specialists on days where Tom Henke just had his fill, I just really want to believe in Kenny and Art, I really do. Unfortunately, I just don’t see it happening.
21. Luis Sojo – Boss Hardigan
I think any Yankees’ fan from the late ‘90s has a special place in their heart for good-spirited, Latino utility men like Luis Sojo and Jose Nobody Beats the Vizcaino. Unfortunately, for Boss Hardigan, this is a 1992-93 Blue Jays’ power rankings.
20. Todd Stottlemyre – The Big Hurt
The Big Hurt and Todd Stottlemyre are both bright-eyed, bushy-tailed rookies heading into the heat of a playoff race, but that’s really where the similarities end. Todd Stottlemyre, although serviceable, was, of course, overshadowed by his much more famous, former Major League Pitcher father, so…hopefully, The Big Hurt will be a more successful expansion franchise than the 1977 Seattle Mariners.
19. Pat Borders – The Notorious A.B.T.
It wasn’t always pretty, but Pat Borders was essentially the backbone of the Blue Jays’ golden years. When he was behind the plate, you always felt comfortable that a good game was about to be called. This is the same feeling I get when I see the Notorious one in my division year after year – a sense of comfort knowing a classic middling finish is on the horizon from this franchise.
18. David Wells – T-Ferg
17. Al Leiter – Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Are T-Ferg and Waldo Geraldo for real, or simply smoke and mirrors, like these two former New York sort-of aces/”really, he pitched a no-hitter?” southpaws?
Well-Respected Veterans
16. Jimmy Key – Babe
15. Devon White – Kiko Garcia
Say what you will about Babe and Kiko, these two franchises are consummate professionals.
14. Juan Guzman – Mr. Marbles
13. John Olerud – Kimmy Gibbler
Mr. Marbles and Kimmy have never been known to be flashy, but when playoff time arrives, you know these two franchises will be right on the cusp.
12. David Cone – Don Mattingly
By 1992, David Cone was a snake-bitten pitcher. Always extravagant, glitzy, and, quite frankly, flamboyant, the fans just absolutely craved for more of the Cone Zone. However, up until that point in his career, Cone just couldn’t shake the stigma of falling apart during the big game. By his Blue Jays’ run, though, things took a turn for the better, and now we all remember him for the legend that he truly is. 2013 will probably go the same way for the perpetually playoff-miscued Donald.
Up and Coming Stars
11. Jeff Kent – Bud Fox
10. Carlos Delgado – Ron Mexico
Former blue chip prospects Bud Fox and Ron Mexico have been tough to beat during their FMFL careers, and, truthfully, I think they’re only scratching the surface. My one concern – they’ve been almost too good. Do they have some sort of in with Walter Football that we just don’t know about? Will the Executive Director ever institute an official investigation into this matter?
9. Pat Hentgen – Blossom Russo
Just your standard, run of the mill, 24-7, under the radar go-to.
One Last Hurrah
8. Dave Winfield – Teddy KGB
Much maligned franchise Teddy KGB looks to prove to the fans that they are no bust, but some in the FMFL media feel this may be their last shot at relevance.
7. Tony Fernandez – Karl Farbman
Hunky Tony struggled mightily with the lowly Mets before turning things around during the stretch run with the Jays after a deadline deal, helping to propel them to the promised land. Karl, too, is coming off a disappointing season. Can he dig deep and return to his typical form in 2013?
6. Tom Henke – Gordon Bombay
The bespectacled master of the ninth inning, Tom Henke was nothing short of intimidating when he took the hill, arrogantly daring opponents to challenge his daunting prowess. Gord’s Gold continues an impressive run, constantly putting up gaudy numbers since the FMFL’s infancy. I see no reason that’ll stop now.
5. Paul Molitor – Yaz
4. Jack Morris – The People’s Champ
3. Rickey Henderson – Larisa Oleynik
Yaz, TPC, and Larisa – all former champions, heralded year after year as all-time FMFL greats, franchises that refuse to buckle under the pressure or wilt under the bright lights of FMFL intense media scrutiny. One of these three will surely be vying for the oh so coveted FMFL crown come February. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.
All-Stars
2. Robbie Alomar – 21th Precinct
The Precinct has been slowly climbing the charts of the FMFL leaderboards the past few years, and I think this is the season this franchise finally breaks out!
1. Joe Carter – Will Cover
“Touch ‘em all, Joe!” – The most enduring illustration of the Blue Jays’ run may be Joe Carter’s series clinching dinger in 1993. Over the past two FMFL seasons, Will Cover has bullied his divisional opponents into a pulp, slowly teasing them, dangling thoughts of glory in their faces, and then mercifully slitting their jugulars at the most opportune of moments – namely when Christian Ponder decides to have the game of his sad, pathetic life. This year, I think he takes it to the next level and treats the whole league like his own personal Mitch Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 Champ – Will Cover.
