The Midseason Report
Gentlemen – By far, the first half of this season has been the worst in the seven years of the Funny Money Football League. We are a collective -$37,100. Think about that. Judging by our futility, Vegas must be cleaning up this year. The pain has been felt across the board, and most of the wild card bets placed in the first half were losses. Usually, the final playoff spots are around $1,000. With the way things are going this year, the last spot in could be around -$1,000. The Midseason Report isn’t a positive one. A select few received above average marks. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased report of the first eight weeks of the FMFL. The views, opinions, and observations that follow are those of the Executive Director and are completely subjective.
East Division
Blossom Russo
Current Total: -$2,200
Winning Percentage: 0.325
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 5 – New England – Lost
Recap: Blossom started off the year fairly well, hovering around even money in the first few weeks. Then she went for it all in Week 5 and the Pats lost, and Blossom never fully recovered. She’s been on a losing skid ever since.
Grade: D+
Bud Fox
Current Total: -$800
Winning Percentage: 0.522
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Bud is one of only a few franchises with a winning percentage over .500 in the first half, yet money management, which is Bud’s claim to fame during the daytime, has been what has kept Fox from excelling. He’s leading the woeful East right now and the division is his if he can take it.
Grade: C
Gordon Bombay
Current Total: -$1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.333
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: All things considered, Gordon isn’t doing too bad. He’s still in the divisional race, despite only having one winning week in the first half. His wild card bet is still on the shelf, but needs to get on a roll.
Grade: C-
Karl Farbman
Current Total: -$2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.344
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – Green Bay – Lost
Recap: It was all downhill for Karl after a big loss on his wild card bet early. He had a lone bright spot in Week 8 winning $500, but that was after he registered three weeks without a win in the first eight.
Grade: D
Larisa Oleynik
Current Total: -$1,400
Winning Percentage: 0.313
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Larisa was one of the franchises that made the East Division look so scary on paper at the beginning of the year. She’s had nothing but a stellar career track record. However, her first half performance was lackluster, even after winning $500 in Week 1. She has five winless weeks thus far.
Grade: D+
Ron Mexico
Current Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.429
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Up and down for Ron in the first half. He was perfect in Week 1, but then failed to bet in Week 2. Since then he has either won both his bets or lost both his bets each week. Unfortunately there have been more weeks like the latter than the former. That being said, he was in first place in the division just one week ago.
Grade: C-
Yaz
Current Total: -$2,300
Winning Percentage: 0.281
Fines: $200
Wild Card Bet: Week 2 – Indianapolis – Lost
Recap: Egad. Yaz was down $1,500 after two weeks and hasn’t been able to fight back. Throw in two “old man lost track of the time” fines and he’s in an unfamiliar spot – the cellar of the Funny Money. He only has four correct picks all year.
Grade: F
North Division
Art Schlichter
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $600
Wild Card Bet: Week 8 – Green Bay – Won
Recap: Art could very well be leading the entire league right now, but now bets in Week 2 were his downfall thus far. He won his wild card bet and shot up the standings, and if he could grind out some money in the second half, he has a great chance at winning the North.
Grade: B-
Bayonnaise
Current Total: $100
Winning Percentage: 0.523
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Proving that last year was no fluke, Bayonnaise has remained right around even money as the rest of the league has fallen farther and farther behind. He still has his wild card bet, and just needs to navigate the next few weeks to be in the catbird’s seat in December.
Grade: B
Boss Hardigan
Current Total: -$2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.235
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Oh, the humanity. The Boss went three weeks and seven picks before registering his first win in 2013. However, he does seem to be heading in the right direction, as Weeks 7 and 8 were his first two winning weeks of the year, notching $100 each week.
Grade: D-
Don Mattingly
Current Total: -$2,400
Winning Percentage: 0.238
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: By just looking at Don’s bets from the first half, you would think his 2013 performance is some sort of elaborate practical joke. In Week 8, the Donald won $100. That was his only winning week this season.
Grade: F
Mr. Marbles
Current Total: -$2,200
Winning Percentage: 0.250
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The profile for Marbles is similar to Don Mattingly’s resume. Very few wins, and only one winning week. He still has his wild card bet, but time’s a wasting.
Grade: D-
The Big Hurt
Current Total: -$1,200
Winning Percentage: 0.326
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: For a rookie, The Big Hurt didn’t fare too badly when compared to the rest of the league. The last few weeks have been rough, with TBH only picking two of his last ten games correctly. But he’s not out of it.
Grade: C+
The Phoenix
Current Total: -$200
Winning Percentage: 0.405
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 6 – Dallas – Won
Recap: The Phoenix has been one of the pleasant surprises of the first half of the 2013 campaign. It figures that in a year that has been topsy-turvy that the FMFL’s worst all-time franchise is right in the thick of things.
Grade: B-
South Division
Babe
Current Total: -$2,700
Winning Percentage: 0.265
Fines: $100
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: Babe has learned one thing in the 2013 season: do not get married during the Funny Money season. Aside from winning $500 Week 5, the rest of the year has been a miserable failure for Babe. He needs to get his priorities straight.
Grade: F
Kiko Garcia
Current Total: -$500
Winning Percentage: 0.500
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Kiko has weathered many a storm so far, and hasn’t experienced the hemorrhaging that the rest of the league has gone through. In fact, his current total is the lowest he’s been all season. Kiko’s definitely a franchise to fear in the second half.
Grade: C+
Kimmy Gibbler
Current Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.472
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – Tennessee – Lost
Recap: Everything was going well for Kimmy up until Week 6. She was on top of the league and looking to break away, but then lost $500 in Week 6 and $1,000 in Week 7. She definitely still has a chance, but missed a golden opportunity in the last few weeks.
Grade: C-
Rick Moranis
Current Total: -$1,600
Winning Percentage: 0.409
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Rick has bet plenty of games these first eight weeks, as Rick tends to do, but seems to lose his bigger bets each week while winning the miniscule ones. In Funny Money Football, size matters.
Grade: D+
The 21th Precinct
Current Total: -$2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.327
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The Precinct has only registered four wins this year so far, and lost $500 each of the last two weeks. A miraculous wild card bet could get him back in it. He might want to employ the George Costanza theory and bet the opposite of what he’s thinking for the rest of the year.
Grade: D-
The Notorious A.B.T.
Current Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.295
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: A.B.T. should consider himself lucky that he’s not too far behind, given his winning percentage. In Week 1, he bet four games and lost them all. But he has been hanging around, lying in the weeds.
Grade: C-
Will Cover
Current Total: $400
Winning Percentage: 0.553
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Finally, the South has something to be proud of. Will dropped to as low as -$1,100 earlier in the season, but has fought his way back, winning $500 three of the last four weeks. He’s the clubhouse leader and might just want to bet five teams each week from here on out.
Grade: B+
West Division
Face
Current Total: -$900
Winning Percentage: 0.458
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 6 – Minnesota – Lost
Recap: Face was right around even money for most of the season, until losing his wild card on the Vikings in Week 6 (proving that the “death game” theory does not apply to illegitimate children ). His winning percentage is somewhat strong, and Face is known for his late season surges.
Grade: C+
Kenny Powers
Current Total: -$2,000
Winning Percentage: 0.361
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 3 – NY Giants – Lost
Recap: After losing his wild card bet early in the year, Kenny has failed to gain any momentum, though he has been able to win a few games here and there recently.
Grade: D
T-Ferg
Current Total: -$1,600
Winning Percentage: 0.283
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: T-Ferg started the year betting a lot of games each week. In Week 1, he lost all four of his bets. In Week 2, he lost two of three. In Week 3, he lost three and pushed on one. Since then, he has bet less games, but the results have been the same. He still has his wild card bet, so there’s hope.
Grade: C-
Teddy KGB
Current Total: -$1,100
Winning Percentage: 0.382
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: Teddy has had some highs and lows this year. He’s had one perfect week and two weeks losing $500. Everything else has been somewhere in between, which is great when compared to everyone else. KGB has wilted in the second half historically, but the door is open for a playoff run.
Grade: B-
The Beard of Zeus
Current Total: -$1,900
Winning Percentage: 0.306
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: The first half was a struggle for The Beard, another franchise that had high hopes coming into the year. He might be one franchise that pulls the trigger on his wild card bet sooner rather than later.
Grade: D-
The People’s Champ
Current Total: -$1,300
Winning Percentage: 0.341
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Still Available
Recap: As the Giants go, so goes The Champ. He struggled the first five weeks or so, but has shown signs of life lately. You can never count out a former champion, and he still has the West Division leaders in his sights.
Grade: C+
Waldo Geraldo Faldo
Current Total: -$600
Winning Percentage: 0.375
Fines: $0
Wild Card Bet: Week 7 – NY Giants – Won
Recap: Waldo seemed like he was in the perfect spot after winning his Week 7 wild card bet, but then he lost $500 in Week 8. Yet, he still leads the West, and if he can avoid big losses in the second half, he’s got a great shot at the postseason.
Grade: B-
