Rick Moranis Vegas Odds
(Editor’s Note: In past seasons, Rick Moranis, one of the most notorious Funny Money franchises, has done us the honor of previewing the league. This year, he goes division-by-division, providing odds for each franchises to be on top come January.)
Greetings from The Tangiers! I write this annual preview fresh off of blowing my FMFL playoff winnings on the world’s lamest bender with Norman Chad. Whoever said third place is the second loser was really onto something. Onto the odds…
East Division
Art Schlichter: Part of Art Schlichter’s problem is that although he works for UPS, he continues to invest his life savings in DSL Express.
Odds: 50-1
Babe: Babe put his dream of buying a fleet of gyro-only food trucks on hold to purchase a new house this summer. Nobody needs the $480 division winner’s purse more than a guy with stockpiles of pita bread in a moving truck.
Odds: 5-1
Don Mattingly: Did you know that in 1992 Don Mattingly was moonlighting as a body double, on standby and ready to step in at a moment’s notice for Tom Selleck in the Spanish language remake of Mr. Baseball, tentatively titled Señor Beisbol?
Odds: 100-1
Gordon Bombay: Nobody, I mean nobody will be more irate if Gordon Bombay bets his wild card on the Patriots again this year than Hans.
Odds: 10-1
Karl Farbman: In Rocky III Carl Weathers lost a beach race, and then in Rocky IV he died. How this affects Karl Farbman remains to be seen.
Odds: 12 American dollars – 1.
T-Ferg: When the T-Ferg franchise was just one guy in Baltimore wearing cardigan sweaters in July, the results were average at best. Now that the T-Ferg franchise is two guys in Baltimore, the results are projected to be just as middling.
Odds: 20-1
The Big Hurt: Given the choice between playing as himself on Sports Talk Baseball or annihilating disgruntled barman Wayne in Streets of Rage II, nine times out of ten The Big Hurt chooses the latter.
Odds: 30-1
(Note: I do not apologize for writing this same bit every year.)
Waldo Geraldo Faldo: It has been well documented in this space that Waldo likes to waste away Sunday afternoons, but boy does he have a real treat waiting for him this year – Quantum Leap -The Complete Series, staring Scott Bakula. The question remains, “How say Al?”
Odds: 300-1
North Division
Abe Froman: Much like Sebastian in Cruel Intentions, this cocky youngster may be in over his head.
Odds: 25-1
Bayonnaise: When I knew Bayonnaise during our college years, he would hang his white t-shirts on hangars, so color me only slightly surprised he has won his division the past two years. If he starts hanging up his button-downs, we may as well just scuttle the league.
Odds: 5-2
Kenny Powers: I was surprised to discover that I actually have a better all-time winning percentage than Kenny Powers, which I think could be solved if he went just by “Ken” like all the other hunks out there.
Odds: 100-1
Larisa Oleynik: Some of Larisa’s film credits include A Time for Dancing, Relative Obscurity, and Backyard Wedding. You know what? These look outstanding.
Odds: 4-1
OJ: I’m tired of hearing that OJ was ruined alongside Commodities traders Duke & Duke by a bad bet on frozen concentrated orange juice when insiders have long known that it was pork bellies that brought The Juice down.
Odds: 75-1
Shecky: Is this the year that Shecky finally throws all of his chips on the advice of his idol, Hammerin’ Hank Goldberg?
Odds: 20-1
The People’s Champ: This preview for the People’s Champ is a just blatant excuse to run this clip. Anyway, I think he has a bounce-back year.
Odds: 8-1
The Phoenix: The show Doomsday Preppers is about a bunch of clowns rooting The Phoenix to win his division. Can I sell you a one-way ticket aboard Hale-Bopp, good sir?
Odds: 500-1
South Division
Bud Fox: I may be out of Wall Street references this year, but let’s just go head and say it – Michael Douglas is aging like a fine cognac.
Odds: 15-1
Chris B. Corey: Whatever happened to Chris B. Corey Haim? Sources say he was last spotted buying new Coach luggage at the Auroa Farms Premium Outlets with Chris B. Corey Feldman.
Odds: 1,000-1
Face: Whereas most like Nick Cage in Face/Off, Face himself prefers Face-Off, a 1971 Canadian feature film about a rookie Toronto Maple Leafs ice hockey player and his romance with a musician. Things were going great until famously affable Canadian critic Martin Knelman of The Globe and Mail found the production “downright head-clutchingly terrible.”
Odds: 40-1
Kiko Garcia: You know what sucks? Seattle won the Super Bowl by more than four points.
Odds: 15-1
Kimmy Gibbler: After Seattle won last year’s Super Bowl by more than four points, Kimmy Gibbler celebrated by scaling Mt. Rainer and tossing her winnings off the side of a cliff, just out of the reach of her sherpa, Kiko Garcia.
Odds: 7-2
Mr. Marbles: Mr. Marbles spent his off-season of disappointment sticking pins into a Phil Dawson voodoo doll and rediscovering his passion for Dawson’s Creek. Now that all of the tissues in Cleveland are gone, I have a feeling he’s ready to rumble.
Odds: 8-1
The 21th Precinct: It hasn’t been a good summer for cops, especially in the 20nd and 22st Precincts.
Odds: 30-1
The Beard of Zeus: I hear someone has a case of Poseidon’s Trident envy…
Odds: 10-1
West Division
Blossom Russo: Blossom Russo is known to be a huge fan of all Dennis Quaid movies.
Odds: 10-1
Boss Hardigan: Boss Hardigan is known to be a huge fan of all Randy Quaid movies.
Odds: 100-1
Dr. Oge: Dr. Oge is very particular about how he spends each day: Noon – 1 p.m., Dr. Oz; 1–2 p.m., Dr. Phil; 2 p.m.– nightfall, staring forlornly into the window of a real doctor’s office until he is escorted home.
Odds: 12-1
Rick Moranis: Here is a weatherman’s tip: don’t listen to anything Don Mattingly says.
Odds: 10,000-1
Ron Mexico: Growing up Ron Mexico wanted to be a singer, just like the tough sounding guy from the Real McCoy. Winning the division may be his last shot to fulfill his dreams.
Odds: 8-1
Teddy KGB: Even after all these years, Teddy KGB still talks about the time he caught a foul ball off the bat of Dan Cortez at the 1994 Rock N’ Jock softball game like it was yesterday.
Odds: 25-1
The Notorious A.B.T.: “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when The Notorious A.B.T. carried you.”
Odds: 50:1
Yaz: Watch
Odds: 15-1
Remember friends, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains. Go Chiefs.
Good luck,
Ryck
